Mercury - Red, white-hot, and blue "Hello America. I'm Madonna. Before we start this Galaxy of Fame, I'd like to clear up some misconceptions about my black eye. It was not caused by a row with my husband, as some tabloids have insisted. Nor was it the result of my son Rocco's baseball bat, as my publicist may have led you to believe. Actually, I punched myself in the eye, because I had started to sense that people weren't paying attention to me for a couple of minutes. I can't have a baby, pose naked with Vanilla Ice, or release a thunderous flop every month, you know! So sometimes I get desperate and I have to resort to violence. Thankfully, that arduous period of momentary public disinterest is now over. Now, please enjoy this 'controversial' video from my new album, American Life."

Venus - Red-hot, white, and blue
"Hi, I'm Crazy Michael Jackson. America, have you noticed recently that the only people in the news lately are Madonna and me, Crazy Michael Jackson? What is this, 1988? Even Paula Abdul's back. And I know that as long as I keep providing ever more startling revelations about my aberrant behaviour, I'm guaranteed to be centre stage in the consciousness of America. Do you think it's easy to keep shocking you? See what I've resorted to now? Voodoo hexes! Oh, you didn't think I had that one up my sleeve. Oooga boooga! Voodoo! I allegedly paid a witch doctor $150,000 to put a hex on Evil Steven Spielberg, because Steven didn't cast me in Hook and also he is very, very devilish. And look what happened! Since that hex, he's won two Oscars for Best Director, received a lifetime achievement Oscar, and helped start the first successful Hollywood studio in decades. That's getting your money's worth! Thanks, witch doctor! Just wait until I put a hex on Bad Martin Bashir, who is also very, very devilish. When I'm done with him, he might wind up with his own late-night talk show, then be elected Pope."

Earth - Red, white and blue-in-the-lips
"Hi, I'm Steven Spielberg. Michael, look, I said I was sorry. It was a very hard choice between you and Robin Williams for the lead in Hook. But in the end, when casting Peter Pan, we decided to go in the 'fur-covered hyperactive ape-man' direction, rather than the 'hairless she-male of indeterminate race' direction. And really, I don't know what you're complaining about -- look how the movie fared! Damn you, witch doctor!"

Mars - As warm as apple pie
"Hi, we're the producers of American Idol. You may have heard about some of the recent controversies surrounding our contestants. First, we removed Frenchie Davis because she'd appeared on an adult website. Now it's been revealed that we quietly disqualified another contestant after an unfortunate manslaughter incident. But look, we took these people off for their own protection! You know how mean Simon can be! Just imagine what he might say to someone who was facing a manslaughter rap! 'Cripes, with a voice like that, I wish you'd punched and accidentally killed me.' Oh, Simon! Well, we couldn't let that happen. But rest assured, America, we are still dedicated to bringing you the country's freshest, most exciting, most porn-appearance-free, non-felony-charge-facing young talent, week after week! And then you get to pick which of these fresh young faces will be named American Idol, and then hold your attention for another twenty minutes or so! Good luck!"

Jupiter - As warm as apple pie à la mode
"Hi, we're the producers of Married By America. We had a little controversy of our own. Apparently, one of our eligible bachelorettes is actually already married. Oops! However, we should point out that she was not, to the best of our knowledge, married by America or any other nation-state. Still, we're going to give her the boot. We'll just hope she wasn't the one you chose. We're trusting your judgment, America! Because if you can't put your faith in millions of random people voting to pair up two complete strangers, then what can you believe in? And we're looking on the bright side of all this -- maybe this brouhaha will actually spur some people to watch our show. We thought we had all the elements of a real blockbuster. After all, it's just like The Bachelorette or Joe Millionaire, but without all that tedious 'getting to know the contestants,' or the boring 'caring about what's going on' element. Damn you, America -- you're so hard to read."

Saturn - As warm as apple pie à la mode when they don't heat up the pie
"Speaking of bachelorettes...hi, I'm Amanda Marsh. Remember me? I was the one that the first Bachelor, what's-his-face, actually chose? Hey, wasn't I supposed to be the 'winner' of that show? So how come the runner-up gets her own series and I'm lucky to get two column inches in the 'Monitor' column in EW? And now I can't even cash in by spilling dirt about my former beau, because every time I mention the name 'Alex Michel,' people think I'm talking about the black actress who used to be on ER. America, I beg thee -- remember my blandly affable personage with fondness!"

Uranus - As cozy as being wrapped up in the flag, outside watching fireworks
"Hi, I'm Cris Judd. I just want to say thanks, America. Your votes established me as the country's favourite ex-spouse-of- a-famous-person, a title I will always treasure. For a while, I thought I might lose out to Ian Ziering's ex-wife, but you came through for me. Now you've given me the vote of confidence I need to continue pursuing my career as a professional ex-spouse-of- a-famous-person. Man, I love this country. Now if only I can land a spot on the new reality show, I'm on the D List -- Get Me Off Of This!"

Neptune - As cozy as being wrapped up in the flag outside, fireworks canceled
"Hi, we're movie stars. Remember us? You used to think about us back before TV was full of Michael Jackson exposés and reality shows and the movie theatres were full of February castoffs. Well, we're back, with our annual pageant of extravagant movie-starriness: the Oscars. Please tune in, America, and help return us to our rightful place at the top of the Mindless Distractions Foodchain. Your co-operation is appreciated."

Pluto - As cozy as being wrapped up in the flag outside, no fireworks, and you're naked, for reasons we won't get into
"Hi, I'm Donatella Versace. I don't care about America. But look, everyone! Finally, I have my very own Mini-Me."