Mercury - The bakery "Hi, I'm Jennifer Lopez. I'd like to assure you and all my loyal fans out there that the recent flood of revelations about my supposed out-of-control diva tantrums, as detailed in the premiere issue of Radar, as well as the new British documentary Behind the Behind, are completely, you know, entirely, um -- all right! It's all true! What do I care what you think of me, worms! And stop looking me in the eyes! You and your damnable peasant eyes! I have other things to worry about, such as SARS, the deadly disease that will no doubt target me, given that I am the planet's biggest star, and my ailing would crush the spirit of the world. That is why I've forced Miramax to shift the production of my new movie from the plague-infested cesspool of Toronto to the comparatively sterile Winnipeg, Manitoba! Clearly, I've never been to Winnipeg, Manitoba, but never mind that! I couldn't stand the thought of all those staggering Torontonian plague-zombies looking at me in the eyes, and hacking their dirty plague-spittle all over the specially ordered white flowers floating in my dressing-room toilet. There is one silver lining in all of this, though: Even I think that Behind the Behind is kind of a funny title. All right! Stop laughing now! And avert your dirty eyes!"

Venus - The back room at the dry cleaners
"Hi, I'm Britney Spears. I dyed my hair brown! Look! It's brown! And shorter! Stunning developments in the areas of my hair color and length! (Whoa. Do you know how hard it is keeping everyone's attention when you haven't put out an album in a year, and the last one kind of tanked? You think this is easy? You try sleeping with Fred Durst. Okay. Back to work.) Hey, everyone! Look at my new, brown hair! So brown! So short!"

Earth - The tanning salon at high noon
"Hi, I'm Tim Robbins. Well, I hope you're all happy. You've made me go and do it. I've hired a PR firm to combat all the negative press I've been getting for my anti-war stance. I didn't realize that being outspoken and controversial meant that people might not like me anymore. What's the point of taking a stand if it means people will criticize you? Screw that. I mean, I'll still come out against violence and fatal diseases, unless of course there are people out there in favour of fatal diseases. I'm sure they have a good point to make. But from now on it's ixnay on the ontroversykay. No more peace signs at the Oscars for this hombre. Peace -- what's it done for us lately anyway? Starting today, I'd like to introduce you to the brand new Tim Robbins -- now with 50% fewer opinions! I'd also like to take this opportunity to announce that if this PR campaign doesn't work, I will be dyeing my hair brown. Thank you."

Mars - The car after church when you forgot to crack the windows down a bit
"GROOONK! RRAAAWR! GROOOOOOOOOWR!"* *"Hi, I'm Chewbacca. I'm so pleased to be returning to the Star Wars franchise in the upcoming Episode III. It will be so great to work with George and all my old friends again. For those of you wondering what I've been up to of late, well, after Return of the Jedi wrapped, I toured my one-man show, Luck Be A Wookiee Tonight, for a few lucrative years. Unfortunately, at about that time, Wicket and I were hitting the party circuit pretty hard, and after my unfortunate spice overdose, I checked myself into rehab. I spent much of what I now refer to as 'the lost decade' wandering around Kessel in a silver-foil toga with a non-alcoholic margarita in my hand and half my fur falling out. Luckily, with the help of some friends, I was able to pull my life together. As you probably know, I was briefly married to Angelina Jolie. What else can I tell you? I've spent the past wonderful six years starring in Nunsense at the Mos Eisley Playhouse."

Jupiter - A hotel lobby
"Hi, I'm Hammerhead. While not as beloved as, say, Chewbacca, I feel like Lucas could find a place for me in the new film too. Come on! The kids love Hammerhead! Okay, maybe I didn't even have a name until they brought out that third wave of Star Wars action figures, when they were really stretching for new characters to release. But come on! Look at me! I've got a head shaped like a hammerhead shark's! I'm walking on two legs! I've got one eye over here and one eye over there! Where am I looking? I'm Hammerhead! Listen, Lucas, seriously -- you can have me and Snaggletooth as a two-fer. What do you say?"

Saturn - Your college apartment in January
"Hi, I'm Dougray Scott I'd just like to let you know that you can enjoy me later this year as 'Thomas Fairfax' in To Kill a King. And, no, I'm not bitter that my scheduling conflict with Mission: Impossible II kept me from playing Wolverine in the X-Men movie, and consequently kept me from playing Wolverine in the X2 sequel. And all the other X-Men movies to come. Though I do have to say I'm not jazzed about being lower in the Galaxy than fucking Hammerhead."

Uranus - Your college apartment in February, right after you got the January heating bill
"Hi, I'm Brian Dunkleman. I have decided not to return for Season Two of American Idol in order to pursue other opportunities in the world of TV and feature films. Oh, wait, I said that already -- a year ago. Well, just in case you're wondering, I'm still pursuing those opportunities, which are proving to be damned hard to catch."

Neptune - Your college apartment in February, right after you got the January heating bill, at night
"Hi, we're t.A.T.u.. We apologize to all of our fans that we had to cancel our British tour dates due to poor ticket sales. Of course, if more of our fans had bought tickets, we wouldn't have had to cancel, so you'll understand if this apology is a little half-hearted. Mostly, we're just disappointed. Disappointed in a world that's become so jaded and hardened that even a pair of teenage Russian fake lesbians can't hold your attention for more than a few months. Come on! We're teenage Russian fake lesbians! Dressed as schoolgirls! Look -- we're kissing! Smoooch! Smoooooooooch! Really, people! What more do you want from us? Cruel world! And our manager's already dumped us to go offer a record deal to those two stripping identical twins from The Real Cancun."

Pluto - That sinus burn you get in your nose when you eat ice cream too fast
"Hi, I'm Andrew Ridgely. I'm not really up to anything, but there seemed to be a theme developing here, and when else am I ever going to show up in The Galaxy of Fame? Thank you for your attention."