Mercury - It doesn't get any hotter than this! "Hello, I'm George Clooney. Look upon me and quiver. I am tremulous rapture. I am delight. I am the man that Wrigley's determined most people would like to share a piece of gum with. And not all of them meant, you know, 'at the same time.' Many said they'd be happy to pry my three-week-old gum off the bottom of a bus seat, then chew it vigorously until they collapse into an ecstatic fervor. Or they'd be happy to buy a mangled wad of my discarded Hubba-Bubba on eBay, then have it surgically implanted into the muscle tissue of their heart. Hey, I think it sounds weird too, but then again -- look at me."

Venus - It doesn't get any hotter than this, except for Mercury
"Hi, I'm Hugh Jackman. If you think I looked good as Wolverine in X2, wait until you see me in my new Braveheart hair extensions! Rrrowr! And wait until you see me in the posters for my new one-man show, The Boy From Oz, in which I wear two-tone saddle shoes and do my best impression of Tommy Tune! Double rrrowr! Tommy Tune's a big sex symbol stateside, right?"

Earth - In the upper range of hotness
"Hi, I'm Nicole Kidman. Not only am I honoured to be named to the 50 Most Beautiful People list, but I also got some other exciting beauty-related news recently. Apparently, a study concluded that I am the most beautiful woman in history that no man has ever had a sexual fantasy about. That's right. I narrowly edged out Linda Evangelista."

Mars - Definitely more hot than not
"Hi, I'm Ben Affleck. What -- you thought I wouldn't be in here? They're lucky I even agreed to be part of this punk-ass list. 50 Most Beautiful? I'm the Sexiest Man Alive, beeyotches! I'm so hot that when I masturbate, I think about myself! I'm so hot that if this list was a ranking, I'd be, like, numbers 1 through 8, and some of these other lower-ranked mofos would just have to double up. Yes, I'm looking at you, Derek Luke and jockey Gary Stevens! Why are we even on the same list? Y'all might be good-looking for normal people, but I'm the Sexiest Man Alive! Oh, damn -- now you're getting me all worked up. I can't maintain The Sexy-Guy Face. Must...twist...face... back...into...alluring...glare... There! Now bud ov. No, I cand moo my lits."

Jupiter - Could well be described as hot
"Hi, I'm Christina Aguilera. You know, when you hose off the orange Man-Tan and the layer of vaseline, I don't look half-bad."

Saturn - More of a warm than a hot, really
"Hi, we're Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. We're not just about moving product -- we're about social change. And one of the issues we care a lot about is the sexualization of children. We think it's terrible that young girls are presented as sexual objects. And as soon as we finish this photo shoot, we'll be announcing our exciting new fragrance, called Whiff O' Teen Crotch -- a portion of the sales of which will go towards solving this pressing problem."

Uranus - Verging on brisk
"Hi, I'm Farruquito! I am one of the great flamenco dancers of this new century! My dancing is quite savage, or so I say to People magazine. For I am...Farruquito! I am not Juan Manuel Fernandez. That was my birth name, yes, but I dropped it because it sounds like some utility infielder for the Atlanta Braves. And I am no utility infielder. I am Farruquito! 'Farruquito's beauty is so strong,' says my aunt, Maria Rosario Montaya Manzano, or, as she is better known, Aunt of Farruquito, 'that people are generally left speechless.' People, yes -- but not...Farruquito!"

Neptune - It doesn't get much colder than this, except for Pluto
"Hi, I'm Colin Farrell. Apparently, I'm 5'9". Yeah, that's it. 5'9". It's funny, because every man in this whole issue is listed as being between 5'9" and 6'2". Then again, we all know that movie stars are notorious for their above-average stature. You know; Al Pacino, Tom Cruise, Dustin Hoffman. And me. As for those of you who may have seen me on Letterman looking like a refugee from a box of Lucky Charms, rest assured that I am, in fact, 5'9". Says so right in the magazine. Clearly, your vertical hold was on the fritz."

Pluto - It doesn't get much colder than this!
"Hi, I'm Monica Palumbo. No, I'm not famous -- not yet! But I'm one of the contestants on All-American Girl, the new reality-show sensation that has all of America buzzing. People's included me, along with my fellow contestant Andrea Lynem -- you know A-Lyne! -- as part of a package of reality-show contestants and their original audition photos. Of course, now that all of America is buzzing about All-American Girl, who wouldn't want to see these candid, behind-the-scenes photos? Because all of America is buzzing about All-American Girl, right? Tommy Tune's a big sex symbol stateside, right?"