Mercury - Five-alarm fire! "Hello, I'm Ruben Studdard. Yes, America, I can say it now -- y'all made the right choice. I know I acted all humble, but come on. Who do you want representing you -- some huge black dude with a velveteen voice and the ability to rock a pinstripe suit and use the phrase 'cats' unironically and still come off sounding cool? Or Cynthia Nixon from Sex and the City? Yeah, that's what I thought."

Venus - Four-alarm fire!
"Hi, I'm Clay Aiken. That's okay, Ruben. You're still my best friend. And I'm sorry to all the screaming hordes of people in Raleigh, several of whom looked vaguely familiar, for letting you all down. And, frankly, I'm sorry to Simon and Garfunkel for bloating their hymn-like 'Bridge Over Troubled Water' into a finale from the new Céline Dion show in Vegas."

Earth - One-alarm fire, with some volunteer firemen on standby!
"Hi, I'm Simon Cowell. Yes, yes -- we all know who the real winner is on American Idol. Let's put it this way: You don't see Justin Guarini doing Vanilla Coke commercials, do you? But I also have something to apologize for: I'm sorry, America, for the retinal damage caused to millions of innocent viewers by that hideous dream sequence in which Paula Abdul licked whipped cream from my finger. And then locked her gaping mouth on mine like the Millennium Falcon docking on the Death Star. That scene even made me retch. But that hilarious coda where I woke up with Randy Jackson? Priceless! Imagine that! Me sleeping with a man! Har!"

Mars - Controlled brush fire!
"Hello, I'm Randy Jackson. Whaddup, dawg? You know, it wasn't your best night, but y'all just doin' your thing. Ya keep bringing it week after week, dawg. And hopefully y'all haven't noticed that I haven't had a new thing to say since Episode Five. But that's cool, dawg. You know what my secret is, dawg? Sometimes, when I don't want to say 'Whaddup dawg?' yet again, I just stand up and clap. That's my secret, dawg. It's cool."

Jupiter - Mattress fire!
"Hi, I'm Kimberley Locke. Did anyone else notice that I'm about ten times the singer that Kelly Clarkson is? Was it just me? I'm guessing that, if Kelly had entered this year, she might have placed sixth. On a good night."

Saturn - Fire in an old oildrum at a picket line, warming strikers!
"Hi, I'm Carmen Rasmussen. Did anyone notice that I was air-drumming during one of the songs on the final showdown on Tuesday night? Air-drumming? Anyone? No? Good. I don't want it to get out that my real ambition isn't to be a pop diva, but to be the drummer in 'Cheap Perfume,' a Journey tribute band."

Uranus - Lit a match, accidentally lit the whole pack, had to wave it a few times, then step on it!
"Hi, I'm Vanessa Olivares. Does anyone imagine that I'm excited to spend the rest of my summer touring the country in a musical revue with these plasticene idiots? Here I thought I'd storm the contest as the lovably kooky girl, but instead I get booted after a few shows, and now I'm stuck in some sort of endless, traveling, purgatorial theme-park karaoke show. Hey fans, look for our tour bus this summer -- I'll be the one in the rear, breathing on the window and then writing 'HELP ME' backwards with my finger in the cloud of condensation."

Neptune - Smelled smoke, but it turned out to be the crumbs in the bottom of the toaster!
"Hi, I'm Charles Grigsby. Thank you, Corey Clark, for running afoul of the law. Thank you, thank you, thank you."

Pluto - Threat of rain
"Hi, I'm some poor six- to thirteen-year-old, soon to be starring in American Juniors, the replacement on FOX for American Idol. If you think it's fun watching ambitious twentysomethings battle it out for world ballad-singing supremacy, just imagine watching eight-year-olds do it! If you've ever seen one of those adorable child beauty pageants, then you already know how wholesome and exciting it is to watch precocious little kids prance about on a stage, while their parents stand in the wings with electric cattle prods. But to ensure your devoted viewership, FOX is adding a special bonus to this series. Before each commercial break, they'll feature another bout of Stage-Mother Texas Cagematch: first stage mother to claw her way out of the cage gets free prenatal vocal instruction for her next fetus. See you then!"