Mercury - Is it me, or is it hot in here?! "Hi, I'm Clint Eastwood. And, no, I won't be doing any more Dirty Harry movies. Thanks for asking. But am I the only one here who realizes that, if a seventy-three-year-old picks up a gun and starts muttering threats, you should put a tranq dart in his neck, pronto, and not give him his own starring role in a movie? People, not every star clings gracelessly to past successes, embarrassing ourselves well into our twilight years. There are those of us who don't mind moving on with a modicum of dignity and pride. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for a screening of Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines."

Venus - Is it me, or is it relatively hot in here?!
"Hi, I'm Jennifer Lopez. You thought you could avoid me? Every week, the Fametracker astronomers track the sky for celestial movement, and you know who they find? Me! Whether it's my new wax figure being unveiled at Madame Tussaud's, or my new wax figure being unveiled in the lead role of Maid in Manhattan, I can't be avoided. Now I've gone and fired my publicist for suggesting that I tone down the diva antics or face a public backlash. Backlash? What backlash? My public trembles at the whisper of my name! Children weep at the mention of my mighty deeds! I am the great and powerful Jenny from the Block! I Am the Wonder of What Is. And I. Demand. White. Flowers. And, of course, wherever you find me, you're sure to find, trailing not far behind..."

Earth - Is it me, or is it quite warm in here?
"Hi, I'm Ben Affleck. Guess what? I'm the new male spokesmodel for L'Oréal. Cool! Soon you'll be seeing me shilling male beauty products on TV. Apparently, I never got the memo that real stars will only do commercials like these if they're shown exclusively in Japan. Sure, someone like, say, Clint Eastwood would never take such a lowly gig, but then again, Clint Eastwood doesn't need the money, because Clint Eastwood isn't in the process of buying out half of Harry Winston to satisfy the Wonder of What Is."

Mars - Is it me, or is it temperate in here?
"Hi, I'm Jewel. As you may have heard, I've undergone a glamourous makeover -- I've gone from folkie to fabulous! Because as you know, my appearance has never before played a role in my career. In fact, I'm betting that a lot of you didn't even know what I looked like back in my grimy, camera-shy folkie days. Maybe you thought I was Chinese! But I've decided to shed that enigmatic image with my new CD. I've also included an incentive for people to buy the CD early -- it will allow you to download two rare songs from my website. Unfortunately, these songs are also Jewel songs. Sorry, but I couldn't get the rights to the unreleased Pink singles."

Jupiter - Is it me, or is it chilly in here?
"Hi, we're Justin and Kelly. Bad news, kids! Fox was originally planning to release the video of our hot new movie, From Justin to Kelly, just six weeks after its theatrical opening on June 13. However, because those stupid theatre owners got all pissy, the video release has been delayed until, like, September. Which means that after not watching our film in the theatres, you'll have to wait three whole months to not watch it on video."

Saturn - Is it me, or is it cold in here?
"Hi, I'm Kathy Griffin. Remember when I was a relatively funny and subversive member of L.A.'s alt-comedy brat pack -- the female Andy Dick? And remember when you could tell yourself that my supporting role on the noxiously unfunny Suddenly Susan was actually a clever brand of parodic performance art? And that my stint on Celebrity Mole wasn't just the grasping of a has-been, but rather a playful wink at my own lowly place in the celebrity ecosystem? Well, now I'm going on a plastic surgery spree, as revealed in Entertainment Weekly, with the results of my Botox injections/laser-line removal/hair-straightening/new veneers/dead-skin vacuuming (not to mention my previous nose job and face lift) to be unveiled exclusively on Entertainment Tonight! Hey, did you know I'm only thirty-nine? But it's never too early for a complete reconstruction of your physical self! That's right -- I'm turning into the American version of Orlan, the French performance artist! And I'll bet she never gets invited to show up on Celebrity Mole!"

Uranus - Is it me, or is it downright freezing in here?
"Hi, I'm Orlan. I'll never show up on Suddenly Susan, either."

Neptune - Is it me, or is it absolute zero in here?
"Hi, I'm Garfield. Those of you in your twenties may be too young to remember the dark days when I ruled the planet with an iron claw. You couldn't walk through a tchotchke store without tripping over my loathsome mug plastered on throw pillows, t-shirts, placemats, page-a-day calendars and...well, mugs. Guess what? I'm back! I've got a new film, with Bill Murray as my voice and Breckin Meyer as my hapless owner Jim. Because this crazy, war-torn world needs sardonic cats, now more than ever. And guess what, America: I still hate dieting!"

Pluto - Is it me, or is my career in shambles?
"Bob Hope here. That's right, I'm still alive, you motherfuckers. A hundred years old? Ha! That's just what I have my people feed you. To me, a hundred years is like a long weekend! And I don't care if you rate me below a fucking cat. I was doing USO shows before the Egyptians even domesticated cats! I performed softshoe at the thirteenth birthday party of Pharaoh Thutmose III! How do I do it? How have I lived so long? Clean living? Good genes? Those may have helped, but the real secret is that I ate George Burns's living heart. Okay, it was just one heart among the many I have eaten as I've stalked this thankless earth. But his gave me unusual power. Pulled it right out of his chest and ate it in front of him, like a mango. The weird thing was, he lived for, like, two more years after I did it. I couldn't believe it myself. I think he did a couple more Christmas specials."