Mercury - Hotter than a match head "Hello, I'm Demi Moore. SKREEEEEE! That's right, I'm back, baby, and these talons are as sharp as ever! Can we just take a second to marvel at what I've accomplished here? After a string of films so bad that the very name 'Demi Moore' became synonymous with 'Refunds Will Only Be Issued Up to Fifteen Minutes After Showtime,' I've managed to score a hot role in one of the summer's most high-profile films. And I'm getting more press than the other three beeyotches combined! I even squeezed myself onto the cover for Entertainment Weekly's Charlie's Angels story! Damn -- even I am amazed. When plotting my comeback, I thought I'd at least have to do a few Showtime movies, maybe a chapter in the Poison Ivy series. Who knew I just had to feed the press a bunch of preemptive stories about dropping out of the spotlight to raise my kids. (It's odd how said stories just started cropping up, don't you think? Don't blame me -- I was yelling, yelling, at those reporters to give me my privacy back! Hey! Where are you going? I'm not done yelling at you yet!) Then I feed the press a bunch of stories about my new amazing 'workout' regimen (step one: make incision; step two: insert vacuum). Then I date the first few spotlight-dazed, twentysomething hunks I can lure into my lair! Hey, Ashton -- I've got candy! But don't judge me. You don't understand. I had to return, people. I'm an actor -- that's what I do. This is my passion. This is my art. And you can see my art on display in Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, opening June 20. Trust me, my art is a lot smaller than it was in Striptease."

Venus - Hotter than a match that was just on fire, but isn't right now
"Hi, I'm Ashton Kutcher. Hey, what's up, dude! I'm, like, everywhere! I'm on Punk'd, my totally awesome new MTV show! And I'm, like, on TV a lot! And to anyone who saw me, like, on Jimmy Kimmel Live, when I was howling and bouncing in my seat like a rhesus monkey, thanks for the letters of concern and advice, and please rest assured that, yes, I will take a lower dosage of whatever no-doubt totally legal substance I'd been enjoying that evening. But, dude -- oops! Got to run! Demi's tugging on my leash!"

Earth - Hotter than a match that's been out for a while
"Hi, we're Halle Berry and Eric Benet. We're suing the previous owner of our house because we weren't really paying attention when our subordinate told us what his subordinate had told him about what the lawyer said about the details of the deal. Apparently, we're going to have to spend an additional one million dollars to reinforce the bedrock so we can something something in order to something something something. One million dollars! Well, we're not letting the previous owners get away with this! Yes, we know -- we are celebrities and have piles of money lying around and will probably spend more on these suits and countersuits than it would cost to dig up the damn bedrock and replace it with solid platinum. But a principle is a principle! And here's our principle: You do not fuck with Halle Berry! Got that? And you do not fuck with Eric Benet! Okay, that's another story -- don't even say it. Don't say it. We'll sue your asses! We'll do it! Yours too! Stop your snickering, various subordinates!"

Mars - Hotter than a match that's not actually lit
"Hi, I'm Nicole Kidman. Speaking of money, I've just signed a reported $7.5 million deal to be the new face for Chanel. This, of course, is only a warm-up for my really big new sponsorship deal. That's right: I'll soon be the public face of Money. I'm looking forward to my tenure as Money's spokeswoman. They're even launching a new slogan. Money: Fun to spend, fun to smoke, fun to just sit on and throw in the air, like a baby splashing in a wading pool."

Jupiter - Hotter than a match that's not actually lit, in the drawer in the kitchen after you accidentally left the window open a crack all night
"Hi, I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger. Well, I've made it official. I will definitely not be making a Terminator 4. No sir. Definitely not. Unless of course I fail to win the Republican nomination for governor, and the sequel to End of Days, tentatively titled Endier of Days: Mo' Hatin' Satan, is a flop. But otherwise, definitely, positively no. As I joked this week, they'd have to call the fourth movie Terminator in a Wheelchair. Ha ha! Unlike the third movie, or course, which we're calling Terminator in Pancake Makeup and a Bad Dye Job."

Saturn - Hotter than a match that's not actually lit, in the drawer in the kitchen after you accidentally left the window open a crack all night, in winter
"Hello, I'm Brett Ratner. I'm sure you're thrilled to know that I'm negotiating to bring my unique brand of Ratnerian magic to the sequel to Get Shorty. How did I land this gig? Hilarious story. Some studio exec yells at another exec about hiring a director. 'We need a guy for the follow-up to Get Shorty,' he yells. 'What?' the other guy yells. 'The follow-up to Get Shorty!' the first guy yells. 'What?' the other guy yells. 'Get Shorty!!' the first guy yells. And that's when they phoned me."

Uranus - Hotter than a match cleverly frozen into a novelty ice cube
"HELL-o, I'm Dan-YIEELL RAD-cliffe, star of the Harry Potter films. No, no, my voice isn't SQUEAK-in'. No, my VOY-EECE isn't changing. I'll be thirteen for -- SQUAWK! -- ever. I refuse to succumb to Savagitis, the dreaded wasting dis-EASE that hits PREE-teen boy actors. Symptoms include hardening jawline, excessive facial GREASE, and a bad dusting of fuzztache right along the top lip. Previous vic-TEEMS: Frankie Muniz, Adam REE-- >ahem< Rich, and, of course, Fred Savage, for whom the condition is named."

Neptune - Hotter than a match cleverly frozen into a novelty iceberg
"Hi, I'm David Brinkley. Goodbye, everyone. I'm sorry I had the bad timing to die on the same day as Gregory Peck. Yes, yes, he's a fine actor -- I GET IT. I tried to do a few things in my life, too, but whatever. I guess delivering the news and interviewing presidents just isn't as noteworthy as starring in Old Gringo. Okay, I know. Cheap shot. I'm sorry. Well, that's it for me. Goodnight everyone, and have a pleasant tomorrow. Okay, that's not mine either, but come on, cut me a break."

Pluto - Hotter than a match cleverly frozen into a novelty ice cube, in the drawer in the kitchen after you accidentally left the window open a crack all night, in winter
"Hi, I'm Hume Cronyn. Yes, I'm dead. No, I wasn't dead before. I lived a long and full life and was, by all accounts, a humble and decent human being. I was also the ultimate stumper on the old British radio show, Dead or Canadian?, in which contestants had to guess which famous people were the former, and which the latter. Now I finally qualify as both. And so, farewell."