Mercury - The kiln "Hi, I'm Eva Mendes, or, as some of you may know me, Jennifer Lopez without the drama. Has anyone noticed that, while Ms. Lo is going through a minor meltdown -- firing both her publicist and her longtime manager, Benny Medina -- I've quietly inserted my own grade-A booty into the public imagination? There I was on the cover of GQ, now I'm here on EW's It issue. I've just finished doing press for 2 Fast 2 Furious and I've got three more high-profile films coming up. Not only do I have all the upside of J.Lo (sultry good looks, healthy film career) with none of the downside (Ben Affleck, audio recording career). but I've got all of the backside as well. Hey, don't get me wrong -- I'm not trying to replace J.Lo. There's room enough for both of us. Well, except on a park bench."

Venus - The stove
"Hi, I'm Six Feet Under. Calling all underappreciated actresses of a certain age! Calling all underappreciated actresses of a certain age! If you were pleased to see such talents as Catherine O'Hara, Kathy Bates, and Patricia Clarkson sprinkled in among the It eye candy, well, you've got this show to thank. What do all three of those actresses have in common? That's right -- celebrated roles on Six Feet Under. Gee, you'd think the rest of television would follow our lead and tap into the rich talent that's out there in the persons of older actresses. In the meantime, however, please enjoy The Simple Life starring Paris Hilton."

Earth - The microwave
"Hi, we're Snoop Dogg and Sean Paul. Okay, whatever you think of Sean Paul's disturbingly infectious and blissfully content-free dance hall songs, such as 'Get Busy,' you've got to give him props for being the only dancehall reggae star in recent memory to list Karen Carpenter among his influences. And whatever you think of Snoop's music and leering pimp persona, you've to give him respect not only for titling his next album Snoopafly, but for being the only person in the entire 'It' issue to appear in their photo wearing false buckteeth. Seriously -- go through the whole issue again, but this time picture everyone else wearing those false fronts. Especially Antonio Banderas. And Dakota Fanning."

Mars - The toaster oven
"Hi, I'm Frenchie Davis! Excuse me while I flip through my dictionary. Let's see. Lasagna... lassitude... lasso...oh, here it is: 'Justin Guarini is listed under people who are losing 'It' because he 'lacks vocal horsepower,' while Frenchie Davis gets big play and a big photo as the 'It Bootee.' Yep, that's what it says, right here under the definition of 'last laugh.'"

Jupiter - The tea cozy
"Hi, I'm Kathy Griffin. I recently appeared in the Galaxy of Fame to detail the extensive plastic surgery that I'd be undergoing. Well, if you'd like a peek at the results, check out my picture on page 66. I'm listed there as 'It D-Lister,' which is kind of an oxymoron, come to think of it. Now, I won't spoil the surprise by telling you too much about my photo. Let's just say that, by all appearances, I felt that Jennifer Grey's nose job was a little too subtle. You know, rather than spending all this time on reshaping my person, perhaps I could learn a little about aging gracefully. Speaking of which..."

Saturn - The refrigerator
"Hi, we're The Golden Girls, or, as we're listed in this issue, the 'It Rerun.' That's right -- we've been off the air since 1992, and we're still about twenty times funnier than According to Jim. We're also the answer to that age-old showbiz question, What did gay TV writers do before they had shows with openly gay characters, such as Will & Grace? They put their cutting jibes and verbal bitchslaps in the mouths of four sexagenarian women, that's what. And speaking of Golden Girls..."

Uranus - The crisper
"Hi, I'm Toronto's own Sue Johanson. That's right, I'm all up in this 'It issue,' representing the T-Dot, yo! Sure, some of you may know me from my Oxygen show Talk Sex with Sue Johanson, or from my appearance in EW as the 'It Grandma.' But, if you're a certain age and you grew up in Toronto, then you no doubt remember me from the time I came and gave my frank and hilarious sex talk to your Grade Nine health class, and then pulled a condom over a banana."

Neptune - The freezer
"Hi, I'm Toronto. I'm very happy to see one of my favourite daughters, Sue the Sex Lady, getting her international props. Otherwise, though, it's been a rough year for me. Still, I'm resilient. I survived the months-long summer garbage strike last summer that saw trash piling up in city parks. I survived this year's SARS mania that had the world believing I'd become the real-life version of London in 28 Days Later. And I've even survived the fact that, with the Canadian dollar out of the crapper, no one's coming to film movies here anymore! Gary Busey, come home! But there are some things even the strongest cities can't overcome, and one of those things is being named the 'Out' city by expert trendspotter Jessica Shaw. So, given this recent development, I have no choice but to announce that Toronto is now officially closing down. Please gather your belongings and head for the exits. Thank you for your patronage. All further inquiries can be directed to Hamilton."

Pluto - The really cold freezer at the 7-11
"Hi, I'm Madonna. Due to some clerical error, I was not included in the 'It issue.' No, I don't understand it either. However, you will find me in the news, as I've ordered my legal team to issue a cease-and-desist order against my onetime eyebrow sculptor Damone Roberts, who is still telling people that he does my eyebrows even though he no longer does my eyebrows. As such, I've ordered my lawyers to inform him that, unless he stops telling people he's doing my eyebrows, that further legal action will be taken. Hey, when you've given your publicist a one-item-a-week-minimum ultimatum, you scrape up the news where you can. I can only put out so many flop movies, people! So anyway, as I was saying, I didn't make the 'It' issue, though my legal team is checking into that, and...hey, where are you going? This Galaxy of Fame isn't over until I say it's over! Please, come back! Please, your attention sustains me! Must... have... public gaze... please.... Did I mention my eyebrows?"