Mercury - L.A. heat wave "Hello, I'm Ahnold Schwarzenegger. Aren't you shocked that, by all indications, I intend to run my campaign in the exact manner that you joked to your friends I might? That is, peppering my otherwise vapid soundbites with snappy catchphrases from my movies, as though running for Governor was no different than doing a junket interview for The Sixth Day on Access Hollywood? And because the national media is opportunistically jumping on my candidacy as a convenient freak show/excuse to run my celebrity mug and call it 'political news' -- thereby insuring that my face appears on the cover of all over the newsweeklies, thus granting my idea-free candidacy more legitimacy, thus ensuring more 'news' coverage, and so on -- I might actually win this crazy recall election? Is this a great country or what? But I've said too much already. Back to the campaigning: Gray Davis -- it's hasta la vista for you, baby! Sacramento? I'm going to pump you up! Reporters with probing questions about my womanizing or stances on issues? Talk to the hand!"

Venus - Bakin' in San Diego
"Hi, I'm Ronald Reagan. My fellow Americans, did you ever think you'd see a day when I might be thought of as the second most vacant Hollywood actor who ever won the California governorship?"

Earth - Humid in La Jolla
"Hi, I'm Gary Coleman. Whachoo talkin' bout, America? Well, me, apparently. And my crazy crew of fellow joke candidates. We're like the political equivalent of novelty dog poop. Oh wait -- I've just been informed that an actual hunk of novelty dog poop has just filed papers to run for governor. Look, don't blame me for this madness -- I wanted to live a quiet life as an unusually youthful-looking mall security guard. But you all wouldn't leave me alone! The lawsuits, the tabloids, the way you bought all that stuff I auctioned on eBay -- it's like smack to an addict, people! Then that punk-ass Webster went on The Surreal Life, thus threatening my stranglehold on the title of America's favourite black, adorable, unusually youthful former sitcom star. I had no choice but to run for governor of California. You want the surreal life? I'll give you the surreal life, my fellow Californians."

Mars - Sunset in Malibu
"Hi, I'm Bill Simon. No, not Paul Simon. No, not former MTV personality Bill Bellamy. Just Bill Simon. A politician. They guy who ran against Gray Davis in the last, real election, and couldn't beat him. Which, given that a year later the people are rising up to throw him from office, doesn't say much for me. But I'm giving it another try. Of course, since I'm not a washed-up D-lister, nor an insane millionaire, nor a porn star with a rhyming name, I'm having trouble getting coverage. But I have ideas -- I do! Come on over with your microphones when you have a free minute and I'll tell you all about them. In the meantime, my campaign team and I will be busy making these campaign buttons we're sending over to the Schwarzenegger camp -- the ones that read 'Ask Me About Kurt Waldheim.'"

Jupiter - This is how we keep it temperate in the O.C., bitch
"Hi, I'm Larry Flynt. Come on -- strip for me, baby. Come on. Strip it off. Now that the kind of gynecologically obsessive porn which was once my sole domain is now all over the web like spam for Viagra, there's not much for me to do but, you know, roll around in my golden wheelchair and, you know, talk smack about Bush and, you know, run for Governor. Has anyone noticed that I've become like some insane millionaire American version of a Bond villain? I've got the wheelchair and the crazy speeches, but instead of a cat in my lap, I've got a stack of porn mags. Oh, wait. Bill Simon noticed. Luckily, no one's noticed Bill Simon."

Saturn - Grab a jacket in San Luis Obispo
"Hi, I'm James D. 'Don' Bankhead, the Mayor of Fullerton, California, in beautiful Orange County. No, I'm not running for Governor. But if I did run, and by some cosmic fluke I actually won by, let's say, an embarrassingly wide margin over a certain Austrian bodybuilder, it would give me the perfect opportunity to approach said bodybuilder and shout, 'Welcome to the O.C., bitch! This is how we do it in Orange County!' Assuming, of course, that he was visiting Orange County at the time, or perhaps I could phone him from Orange County -- well, we can work out the details later. That is, if I was running, which I'm totally not. Thus ends the completely gratuitous reference to The O.C.."

Uranus - San Jose's autumn nights can get chilly
"Hi, I'm Gallagher. Previously, all you knew about me was that I was a comedian who smashed melons. Now you know I'm the comedian who smashed melons and is running for Governor of California. So I have increased the store of widely known information about me by a full 100%. Yep, that was worth $3,500."

Neptune - Down by San Francisco bay, in February
"Hi, we're The Other 193 Or So Candidates for Governor of California. Isn't it ironic that many of us are crazed, single-issue candidates who only entered this election to draw attention to our one issue, be it anti-immigration or Free the Grapes or increased chalk in schools, and yet none of us are getting any attention at all because so many of us entered to draw attention to our one issue? Isn't that ironic? Wait -- let's check...yes, yes, it's actually ironic. So just remember, on election day, to vote for one of us. We don't care which one. You'll find us on the ballot -- our names are the ones crammed between Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gary Coleman, Arianna Huffington, and Gallagher. Thank you."

Pluto - L.A., rainy season
"Hi, I'm Jerry Brown. Not looking so loopy now, am I, America?"