Mercury - Sunday night on HBO "Hello, I'm Alicia Silverstone. My new show, Miss Match, is getting great reviews and lots of hype. Hurray! And I love being on TV. Who knew? TV is like a little movie theatre in your house, but for free! Normally, I wouldn't have considered doing a TV show, but this just felt like the right time for me to make the move. And they're making really good shows now that are almost as good as movies! Seriously! So I thought, What the heck? I'll temporarily forego the world of cinema and give this upstart medium a whirl. I'm not sure when I made up my mind. I think it was probably sometime between Excess Baggage and Blast From the Past."

Venus - Thursday night on CBS
"Hi, I'm Mark Harmon. Well, it must be time for a new TV season if old Mark Harmon has ambled back into town. I'm like the swallows of Capistrano of TV, except older, and with cuter dimples. Did you know you can actually carbon-date yourself using the series you remember me best from? Is it as Dr. Bobby Caldwell on St. Elsewhere in the early 1980s? Or as Detective Dicky Cobb in 1991's Reasonable Doubts, that short-lived show with Marlee Matlin? Or as Dr. Jack McNeil on Chicago Hope, where I wound up in the late '90s? One thing's for sure -- no matter how old you are, you no doubt remember your mother mooning over me on some show or other. And now she can moon over me on Navy NCIS, a new show that combines the intrigue of JAG with the magic of forensics! I hope I can do this show for eight or nine seasons, before I move into the 'old guy solving mysteries, Diagnosis Murder-style' phase of my career."

Earth - Thursday night on NBC
"Hi, we're Ross and Rachel. Well, this is it. Here we go. The final season of Friends. What's going to happen? Your guess is as good as ours! By which we mean to say that, there's a totally real chance that we may not end up getting back together. Who knows? It's totally up in the air! No, really. We mean it. We might not get back together! Really! This season is going to be totally, entirely unpredictable, and part of that unpredictability will be the fact that we very well might not end up getting back together! Look at what this show's done in the past! We even brought a black person on last year! We've thrown out the rule book! Maybe Rachel will marry Joey! Maybe Phoebe will marry her twin sister! Maybe Ross will marry a horse! Anything's possible! And by anything, we mean us not getting back together, which really, totally could happen. Or not happen. We mean it. Really."

Mars - Wednesday night on FOX
"Hi, we're the producers of Threat Matrix, an exciting new show that combines 'threat' with The Matrix. Of course, the show's more specifically about some team of top-secret something something who fight something something, using forensics. But all you need to remember about the show is this: It's like The Matrix, but with threats. Thursdays at 8 on ABC. Yeah, we know the time slot sucks. But if this show fails, we've got another one already on the drawing board. It's called Exciting Nemo. Start with something called 'Nemo.' Add excitement. And what have you got? A home run, if you ask us."

Jupiter - Monday night on CBS
"Hi, I'm Carla Gugino. I've landed the prize role of Karen Sisco in this season's Karen Sisco. It's kind of like Crossing Jordan, but with higher heels and more ass-kicking. The show's based on Jennifer Lopez's character from the Elmore Leonard-based movie Out of Sight. To bring the show up to date, though, we made a few tweaks. For example, now, instead of saying 'You wanted to tussle? We tussled,' I say, 'This is how we tussle in The O.C., bitch!' Small stuff like that. To tell you the truth, I don't know if it's going to be any good. But I hope the show takes off, if only so I can finally establish forever that I am not Paula Marshall. That mix-up is a real bitch around tax time, and she keeps getting all my license-plate renewal stickers in the mail."

Saturn - Friday night on MTV
"Hi, I'm Jason Bateman. Look at that -- Arrested Development is the season's best new comedy! Says so right there in Entertainment Weekly! And who's the star of this show? Me! Jason Bateman! Yes, I know the show's quirky premise means it will probably last about as long as a snow cone at a July 4 picnic, but come on! Let's make this a hit, people! What else are you doing on Sunday nights? HBO is for suckers! Please, I need this show. If you think it's bad to go through life with strangers pointing at you and saying, 'Look, it's Teen Wolf!' then just imagine what it's like to for them to point at you and say, 'Look! Teen Wolf Too!'"

Uranus - Saturday night on CBS
"Hi, I'm talented character actor Gary Cole. You might remember me from such Galaxies of Fame as last year's 2002 TV season preview. Back then, I was lamenting my purgatorial exile on the wretched remake of the Family Affair. That show was quickly and mercifully canceled, which surprised no one, given that it also starred Tim Curry, or as he's known in Hollywood, 'New-Show Cyanide.' Trust me, if you see him on set, just bite down on the capsule and go peacefully. But enough bitching and moaning. This year I've got a reprieve -- I'm the new VP on The West Wing! That's right! I'm number two! Now you can look forward to me turning to Leo and saying, 'Yeah, if you could go ahead and get that defense briefing on my desk by 4, that'd be greeeaat.' Okay, they're not going to let me do that. But what a world this would be if they did!"

Neptune - Any night on ABC
"Hi, I'm Ted Danson. You may have heard that my sitcom was canceled. No, not Cheers. The other one. Becker. Yes, that one. Well, guess what -- we're back! CBS stuck us onto the schedule at the last minute, when another show was postponed. Talk about a vote of confidence! I'm sure we'll be sticking around for several more weeks, if not months, of entirely ignored hijinx! But this time with 50 percent more forensics! In fact, the show's been renamed Threat Becker Naval CSI. So all you Becker fans out there can breathe a sigh of relief. To the other 258,500,000 people in America, let me bring you up to speed. I'm now on a show called Becker. I have been for several years. Check the TV guide if you don't believe me. And stop calling me Mayday. Stop it."

Pluto - Every night on UPN
"Hi, I'm former MTV personality Dan Cortese, star of Rock Me Baby, a new show on UPN about a radio shock jock who -- get this! -- is a dad at home, and which will probably last as long as it takes for you to read -- oh, there it goes. Never mind."