Mercury - Hotter than Georgia asphalt "Hi, I'm Jon Stewart, or as I was known on this year's Emmy telecast, 'The Funny Parts.' Where would award-show comedy be without me and, to a lesser extent, Chris Rock? I've become some sort of comedy Deus Ex Machina, who pops up every once and awhile to deliver the night's best zingers, then disappears back into the wings. Admit it -- my line about, 'My God, they're attacking Vangelis!' was funnier than Shandling's entire opening monologue. In fact, it was funnier than all of Shandling's monologues ever. And, no, I don't know why he was bobbing and weaving like some geriatric boxer, fighting off the flop sweats. And no, I don't know why he decided to deliver a bunch of jokes that he'd apparently made up off the top of his head while getting his makeup applied. And no, I don't know what's up with that tan. Some things even the Deus can't explain."

Venus - Hotter than Rhode Island asphalt
"Hi, I'm Bill Cosby, or, as you learned at the Emmys, the Vito Corleone of Comedy. Did you see my reaction to Wanda Sykes and her 'hilarious' impromptu kibitzing? Didn't it look like I was going to lean over and whisper to her, 'That's all well and good, Wanda, but I've just ordered your entire family killed.' Secondly, you might have been wondering why, as I accepted my well-deserved lifetime achievement award, I wore those black sunglasses throughout my speech. Some of you might think I have an eye disease that prevents me from looking at bright stage lights. Others might think I've gone blind. But the actual answer is this: What you think of as 'reality' is actually a computer-created simulation called 'The Matrix.' Wanda Sykes, for example, is actually a rogue computer virus created to annoy Bill Cosby. So while I was giving my speech, I was also having a quick sit-down with Niobe and Neo in Zion. Hey, I'm Bill Cosby -- I've got to multi-task."

Earth - Approximately as hot as Rhode Island asphalt
"Hi, I'm Brad Garrett. I held out for more money! Ha! Get it? I hope you enjoyed the Emmys, or as I like to call them, the Brad Garrett & Friends Cavalcade of Fun. There I am, kissing Shandling! There I am, doing a bit about the 'loser's basket'! There I am, accepting an award! There I am, ribbing li'l Jon Stewart! In other news: I held out for more money! Did you catch that, America? Because the only thing more funny than one awkward contract-negotiation joke is ten awkward contract-negotiation jokes! Are you with me? Ray? Doris? Phil Rosenthal? Who's with me?"

Mars - Within the temperature range of Rhode Island asphalt during the rainy season
"Hi, I'm Wanda Sykes! Hi! Hey, who's that! Check it out! It's a celebrity! Hi! I'm Wanda Sykes! Look at the celebrities! Y'all losers! Hi! I'm funny! I'm walking up and down the aisle! Who knows what I might say next! Y'all a bunch of losers! Hi! I'm Wanda Sykes! Watch my show! Hey, Larry David! What's up with you? Hi! Look at that camera! Who wants a trophy! Hi! It's Kim Cattrall! Here's a trophy for you, Kim! Hi! No, I don't have actual jokes! I'm Wanda Sykes! Look at the losers! Why are they playing that music! Don't to to commercial! What am I going to do next? Check out all the crazy celebrities! Wait! Don't go! I might actually say something funny! But in the meantime! Hi! I'm Wanda Sykes!"

Jupiter - Rhode Island on a moderate day
"Hi, I'm Jon Stewart again. Yes, it's true. Precious moments of Jon Stewarty goodness were excised from the show so you could enjoy Wanda Sykes. And Garry Shandling. And 486 jokes about how many people are running for governor of California. Darrell Hammond even made a joke, as Arnold Schwarzenegger, about how lame jokes are about how many people are running for governor of California. Unfortunately, by that point, Shandling and the three guys from Friends had already made their jokes about how many people are running for governor of California. I think Shandling made two of them, actually. At next year's Emmys: Jokes about how lame jokes about contract negotiations are."

Saturn - Hotter than a Rhode Island soft ice cream cone
"Hi, we're Jim Belushi and Courtney Thorne-Smith, stars of According to Jim. We're also the answer to the question, 'If a show has no chance of ever, ever winning an Emmy, can its stars still show up as presenters?' At next year's Emmys: a special lifetime achievement award for Dick Van Dyke, presented by the cast of Yes, Dear."

Uranus - Rhode Island soft ice cream with freezer burn
"Hi, I'm Jeri Ryan. I'm sorry that I showed up in alien makeup and that crazy E.T. hairdo. But I'd just wrapped a guest spot on Enterprise and I didn't have time to change. And no, I don't know why I was the go-to cutaway reaction shot for the whole night, except when anyone made a Queer Eye joke, in which case they cut to Ellen DeGeneres. I think the handheld camera guy had some sort of Seven of Nine fetish. By the end of the show, I'd actually served him with a restraining order."

Neptune - Rhode Island in winter
"Hi, I'm Richard Kline. You might remember me as Larry, Jack Tripper's horny best friend on Three's Company. Uh, I have a question: How did Henry Winkler become the official spokesperson for John Ritter? Okay, maybe they were pals, but come on! I was his friend too! Jack was always using my apartment for his crazy double-dating schemes! And the Fonz would never have hung out with Jack Tripper! First of all, how would he get to Jack's house? You can't ride a motorcycle on the boardwalk! Can't you throw me a bone, people? You think I wouldn't like to walk out at the Emmys and give a speech? I could have told a lot of great stories about me and Jack and our high jinks at the Regal Beagle! I'm available! Just give me an hour's notice, and I'll call in my understudy at the Mississauga Stage West production of Noises Off."

Pluto - Georgia asphalt in a freak ice storm
"Hi, I'm Jon Stewart. Again. Just here to remind you that, when it comes to award shows, Jon Stewart equals funny. Everything else is pure Shandling. In fact, I think the word 'shandling' should become shorthand for bad award shows. Try it out: How were the Oscars last night? Totally shandling. Have you seen Bruce Vilanch lately? So many years of shandling have really taken their toll. See? I also wanted to point out that one of my funniest lines was a dig at my own show, and staff, when I joked about the 'diversity' of my writers. While other celebrities make a joke about shamelessly plugging their upcoming project, then proceed to plug their upcoming project shamelessly, and then call the whole thing edgy, I actually have a sense of humour about everything, even myself. Maybe next year they'll let me host the whole show. Or maybe, like this year, it will just be pure shandling. See? Useful, no?"