Mercury - The kiln "Hi, I'm Naomi Watts. Well, I've split with Heath Ledger, citing the usual 'scheduling' problems. Do you ever notice that celebrity relationships have more scheduling problems than US Air? Than ABC on Thursday nights? Than another thing that has scheduling problems! Of course, the real reason we split is because, in light of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, our ten-year age difference is no longer particularly notable. Sorry, Heath. And please don't come around bothering me and my new beau, Grant Rosenmeyer, lovable star of TV's Oliver Beene."

Venus - The stove
"Hi, I'm Ben Affleck. I'd like to refute the recent reports that I might be ousted as Jack Ryan in the Tom Clancy film franchise because of all my tabloid troubles and the massive flop of Gigli. Certainly, there's a chance I won't return to the role of Jack Ryan. But this would only occur because the producers want to go in another direction, and not at all because they want a more bankable, more stable, less troubled, and less toxically overexposed star. I mean, I totally agree that Robert Downey Jr. would make a great replacement as Jack Ryan! Or how about Tom Sizemore? So I repeat: The producers might simply want to go in a different direction with the franchise: You know, the more bankable, more stable, less troubled, and less toxically overexposed direction. You'll find that direction right next to 'South' on your compass. You'll find 'South' right next to 'Ben Affleck's Career.'"

Earth - The microwave
"Hi, I'm Colin Farrell. Yes, it's true -- I've used a lot of drugs in my time. A lot. A. Lot. Why, just this week came my revelation that, in the early '90s, when I was depressed about not making it into the boy band Boyzone, my shrink told me to write down everything I did for a week. Here's the tally: Twenty E's, four grams of coke, six of speed, half an ounce of hash, three bottles of Jack Daniels, twelve bottles of red wine, sixty pints and 280 fags. Hello! And that was just Monday! Before noon! And, no, I'm not going to make a Joel Schumacher double entendre joke here, ya filthy bastards! But seriously, aren't I a refreshing change from the usual 'dehydration and exhaustion' crowd? Wouldn't you love it if every star were as candid as I am? Sure, my candour is, in itself, a kind of pose, but what an entertaining pose! Or let me put it another way: While Britney Spears is coyly revealing that, yes, maybe, once in awhile, on occasion, there's a slight chance that she may, may have 'experimented,' I'm off just to the left of her with a half-drunk bottle of Jack in one hand, a handful of Carmen Electra in the other, I'm pissed off my tits and I'm literally trying to snort Britney's dander up my nose."

Mars - The toaster oven
"Hi, I'm Will Smith. Well, that's it for me, folks. No more action movies, starting in three years. Yessir, that's right -- three years from now, I will stop making action movies. And I've got a few more Nostradamussian predictions: There will be no sequel to The Wild, Wild West titled Wilder, Wilder, Westier. I will absolutely, positively stop making Men in Black movies (unless they meet my salary demands). And finally -- I will not win an Oscar for Ali. Thank you! You heard it here first!"

Jupiter - The tea cozy
"Hi, I'm George Lucas. Good news, Star Wars fans -- shooting has wrapped on Episode III. That's right -- the grueling ten-day shoot, which involved four live actors and a huge greenscreen, has finally been completed. Now we enter the last, supplemental stage: A 458-day post-production period in which we wrap up such details as adding the backgrounds, filling in the props, fleshing out the 'story,' and inserting thousands upon thousands of CG characters for the real actors to stare just to the right of as they deliver their stilted lines."

Saturn - The refrigerator
"Hi, I'm Jennifer Love Hewitt. I'm pleased to report that my stalker has been captured and has pled guilty. In a related story, I ran into Carson Daly the other day and asked him if he still thinks about me. He replied, 'Nope, not really.' This now means that the number of people in North America following my career has officially hit zero."

Uranus - The crisper
"Hi, I'm Bette Midler. You might be wondering what prompted me to release an album titled Bette Midler Sings the Rosemary Clooney Songbook. I know it all seems a bit unnecessary -- particularly my cover of Clooney's slight novelty hit 'Mambo Italiano.' But this was a selfless gesture, people. I didn't do this for me -- I did it for all the drag queens who need new material. Look at Cher -- she's just reissuing her greatest hits. There's no new nuggets in there! So don't think of this album as Bette Midler Sings the Rosemary Clooney Songbook; think of it as the inspiration for such future albums as Lady Butterfly Sings Bette Midler Singing the Rosemary Clooney Songbook or Parsley Sage, Rosemary and Bette: Parsley Sage Sings Bette Midler Singing the Rosemary Clooney Songbook."

Neptune - The freezer
"Hi, I'm Kathie Lee Gifford. Forget those recent reports that I've been begging Regis to let me back on the show to fill in for Kelly Ripa when she's sick! I don't need that stinking gig! My career's been going gangbusters since I left that show. Why, there's that album I did, and that other thing! And now I'm pleased to announce my latest project: Regizz and Kathie Lee Redux! It's all your old favourite episodes of Regis and Kathie Lee, except instead of my old self telling annoying Cody stories and guffawing sycophantically, it's my current self, inserted digitally like Forrest Gump, telling all-new annoying Cody stories and guffawing sycophantically! If you loved my old show, you'll love Regis and Kathie Lee Redux! Er...I mean, Regizz and Kathie Lee Redux. We can't say 'Regis' for copyright reasons. And his face is digitally blurred out. But he's the same old Reege...izzz! No, the show's not on any actual channels yet, but come on over to my house and watch the tapes with me and Frank! We'll build a grassroots groundswell! Then they'll have to take me back! Come on! It will be fun!"

Pluto - The really cold freezer at the 7-11
"Hi, I'm Tom Sizemore. I regret to reveal that I won't be able to take the role of Jack Ryan, as I've recently entered rehab. In the day's other surprising headlines: 'Sun Rises,' 'Weather Patterns Continue,' and 'Scientists Confirm Earth Atmosphere Rich With Life-Giving Oxygen.'"