Mercury - The Top "Hi, I'm Keanu Reeves. You know what's cool about me? I mean, besides the fact that I don't appear to age? What's cool is, I don't even care about money. And you know how much money I'll end up making from my back-end deal for the Matrix trilogy? Like, $150 or $200 or $250 million, something like that. And I don't even care! Hell, my agent's going to clear, like, $25 million on this one deal, and I'm still wearing t-shirts and jeans and living on, like, a raft. I don't even have a house! I sleep in a rolled-up carpet! I build papier-mâché hats out of money and give them to the poor, who then attempt to pry the glued-together bills apart and spend them! I just don't care! I gave a Harley Davidson to each of the twelve stunt guys who worked on the Burly Brawl. Just like that! Then again, I could afford to have given each of them a Harley Davidson made from ground-up emeralds and powered by a Faberge-egg-burning engine. So am I happy I made these movies? Hell, yes I am. Which is to say, I don't care! Which is to say, yes."

Venus - Penultimate
"Hi, I'm Carrie-Anne Moss. Okay, I'm not clearing nine figures, but don't fret, I did all right. My big worry is that, now that these movies are over, I'm doomed to a lifetime of convention appearances and small roles in indie films, in which I'm always referred to in the reviews as 'The Matrix's Carrie-Anne Moss.' Luckily, I still have some tricks up my sleeve. For one, I can smile. Y'all didn't see that in The Matrix films, did you? And after that: laughter. That's right -- I can laugh too. It's true. I've got a whole arsenal of emotions that the Wachowskis never found any use for."

Earth - Major Domo
"Hi, I'm Laurence Fishburne. You might remember me as Morpheus in The Matrix Revolutions. Then again, you might not, since all I did in that movie was sit strapped into a chair next to Jada Pinkett Smith, jiggling. 'Whoa -- watch out for that sharp turn, Niobe!' Yeah, it didn't take me too long to memorize my lines for that film."

Mars - Inner circle
"Hi, I'm Hugo Weaving. Seeing as I've already proved I can play a transvestite, an elf, and a sheepdog convincingly, I have no fear of being typecast as a megalomaniacal, black-suited computer virus. I understand, however, that I can look forward to a future of being constantly approached on the street and in restaurants by fans who'll hiss, 'Misssster Anderssson,' or worse, ask me to hiss, 'Misssster Anderssson.' Trust me, it started long ago, and it ain't abating. When it happens, however, I simply rise in the air and kick the person's face several times, which usually shuts them up. That's right -- unlike those other layabouts in The Matrix, I did all my own stunts."

Jupiter - In the loop
"Hi, I'm Harold Perrineau Jr.. You know -- the excellent guy from HBO's Oz. Funny story: High Times magazine contacted me about a big interview tied in to the last two Matrix films. Then they contacted me at the last minute to call the whole thing off. It was all a big mix-up, as it turned out. Apparently, they'd heard that in that last two Matrix films, I was 'thoroughly wasted,' and they got entirely the wrong idea."

Saturn - Friends with people in the loop
"Hi, I'm Joe Pantoliano. I'm betting you never guessed that when I got fried in the first movie -- oops, sorry: SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! -- that the last bit of mischievous good humour had just been zapped out of the trilogy. That's right -- it was all speechifying and hokum and cartoons fighting cartoons from there on in. You're missing me now, aren't you? Well, just be happy these last two movies weren't critical hits, or you'd have another freakin' trilogy coming down the pike. And the next three chapters were going to focus on the backstory of the Oracle. The first one was planned as one long, digressive conversation, and was tentatively titled My Dinner With The Architect."

Uranus - On a clear day, can see the loop
"Hi, I'm Cornel West. After this taste of acting, I don't want to go back to the classroom! I love acting! How about me and Jean-Claude Van Damme in a buddy pic? Or me and Jackie Chan -- we could call it East Meets West! Seriously, if you know anyone who's casting the role of a wild-haired, goateed, sack-wearing, self-serious member of a multi-racial governing council, I am so your man. I'm getting very good at saying things like, 'What are you trying to say, Commander?' and 'The council will never stand for it' and 'How long until they breach the perimeter?' Come on, George Lucas -- you're always looking for people to fill out your endless scenes of intergalactic legislative procedure. Give Cornel a jingle-jangle!"

Neptune - Has heard tales of the loop
"Hi, we're Monica Bellucci's breasts. We're fine, thanks. We've just signed a three-picture deal with New Line."

Pluto - So far from the loop that it looks like a straight line
"Hi, we're The Wachowski Brothers. We've finally broken our long public silence to say: we're sorry. We were thoroughly distracted, and weren't really paying attention during those last two films, what with our messy marital split-ups and various gender-reassignment counseling sessions. Frankly, we snoozed through several story meetings, and only really perked up when the costume designer rolled in all those cool mannequins dressed up in fetish wear. Yeah, we know -- it's hard to believe that the two guys behind smart, fun, stylish films like Bound and...well, the first The Matrix put together these last two dreary disasters. What can we say but...it wasn't us. Seriously. It was some other brothers. It was, um, the Hughes brothers. No, wait -- it was the Coens. No! It was the Polish brothers. Yeah, that's it. Damn you, Polish brothers!"