Mercury - Vintage Givenchy "Hello, I'm Bill Murray. Well, thanks for the nomination. And with any luck, I'll take home the Best Actor Oscar. Not because it's high time I was recognized for my excellent film work of late -- hell, there were sidelong glances of mine in The Royal Tenenbaums that were worthy of an Oscar -- but because, if I do win, there's a very good chance I'll give the grouchiest, funniest speech in Oscar history. No guarantees, folks, but -- come on. I've got some scores to settle and, frankly, I stopped giving a shit quite a long time ago. Who knows? I might go the boring, gracious, 'What? Who? Me?' route. But let's just say, if I'm Chevy Chase or Drew Barrymore, among many others, I'm very freakin' nervous right about now."

Venus - Classic Armani
"Hi, I'm Charlize Theron. What? Who? Me? Why I, I, I...I sure am going to have a hard time feigning surprise when I snatch that statue. It's mine! Come to me, my preciousssss.... Look, I know it's a big shock to y'all that I turned in a good performance -- clearly, y'all never saw The Devil's Advocate -- but if you think I'm shocked by this Oscar, forget it. What do you think got me through those ninety minutes of makeup and prosthetics and fake freckled skin every day? Silently reciting my Oscar acceptance speech, that's what. And if one more person says I kind of, maybe, look and sound a little bit like Beetlejuice in that movie, I will personally visit your house and get all Wuornos on your ass."

Earth - Daring Galliano
"Hello, Nicole Kidman here. Oh, thank you, Academy, for once again recognizing my personal brand of chilly and distant understatement as the astonishing acting it so obviously is. I knew this would be my year, what with not one, but two big Oscar-worthy roles. The only question was, Which film would you nominate me for? The Human Stain or Cold Mountain? Frankly, these days, I don't even read a script if it doesn't come with 'Certified Oscar Bait' stamped in red across the cover. Well, there was Dogville, but we shan't talk about that. No, I simply want to express my gratitude -- what, Harvey? What? Are you serious...did I mishear...can this be -- WHAT!?! Oh, don't even try to tell me that little runt Cruise doesn't have his fingerprints all over this."

Mars - Off-the-rack Gucci
"Hi, I'm Fernando Meirelles, director of City of God. Er, thanks Academy, for throwing me into a category I clearly won't win, for a movie most people didn't see, and which those who did see it saw about sixteen months ago. What can I say -- apparently, the Academy has now adopted the Byzantine eligibility rules favoured by the Grammys, by which songs from the same album are eligible in consecutive years, unless they're songs by U2 or Santana, in which case they're eligible in perpetuity, or until they win, whichever comes sooner."

Jupiter - Tacky Versace
"Hello, I'm Keisha Castle-Hughes. Oh, wow! Thank you! What an unexpected nomination! I really appreciate this! Seriously! Thanks! Just one question. Couldn't you put me in Best Supporting Actress, where I'd, you know, have a chance to win? Pretty please? I was kind of supporting.... There was a whale in my movie, right? 'Cause there's no way I'm going to win Best Actress. What's that? Don't give up? I could be the next Tatum O'Neal? Great. Thanks for the encouragement."

Saturn - Banana Republic, marked down
"Hi, I'm Diane Keaton, and don't feel bad, kid, because I'm not going to win Best Actress either. Which is just as well, because if either of us won, we'd find Charlize Theron waiting for us in the stairwell with a garrote. So, really, what's in it for me? I've got my Golden Globe. Why do I want to show up at the Oscars? So Steven Cojocaru can name me worst-dressed -- again? God, I hope Sally Kirkland is there. Or maybe Jack will bring Lara Flynn Boyle."

Uranus - Old Navy warehouse sale
"Hi, I'm Sean Penn. Uh, thanks for the nomination...again. Will I be attending? Let me check my schedule. Well, me and Nicholson were going to catch Barbershop 2 that night, but -- oh, all right. I'll go if he goes. But I will not smile. Nope, not even once. Even if I win. Which I won't. I know that. They'll give it to that clown, Murray. I don't care. I'm nominated every year anyway. And I'll be back next year, when I'm recognized for my starring role in my new sequel, I Am Still Sam."

Neptune - K-Mart -- everything must go!
"Hi, we're the cast of Lord of the Rings: The Return Of The King. We're, like, all really pleased about the eleven nominations and everything, and we're overjoyed for Peter and all. But we're just wondering: didn't you think any of us were any good? Not even Elijah Wood? How about Sir Ian? Anyone? Viggo? Sean Astin? Come on -- he blubbered! A lot! Yeah, well, I guess we'll all have to content ourselves with sitting in the audience, staring adoringly at Peter as our film collects Oscars like Ab Rollers collect dust."

Pluto - That thing Kim Basinger designed for herself
"Hi, I'm Billy Crystal. Yes, I'm back -- that tiny, sort-of funny, half-assing it through for the millionth time, little old me! As the Academy settles into its three-person rotation, I'm the mean-average of funniness -- not as good as Steve Martin, not as bad as Whoopi. Right at the top of the bell curve! Sorry, folks -- I'm getting kind of sick of me too. But what can I say? They already bought me a tux and they want to get their money's worth. See you on February 29th! Oscar, Oscar! Etc.!"