Mercury - Searing "Hello, we're the rest of Destiny's Child. We just want y'all to know that just because Beyoncé won a Grammy for her solo album doesn't mean we're breaking up. No, sir. We are just on hiatus. Got it? We are so not broken up. Destiny's Child will be back in the studio as soon as we can get Beyoncé on her cellphone. Which should be any moment now. We already called to congratulate her. She's probably to busy to answer right now because of all the afterparties and whatnot, at which we're sure she's talking up Destiny's Child's new album to everyone who'll listen. Though maybe we'll just call again and remind her. Speaking of which, does anyone have her new cell number? She gave us one but it seems to be out of service."

Venus - Scalding
"Hi, we're the rest of 'N Sync. Ha, Destiny's Child -- you got served! Everyone knows that Beyoncé isn't coming back to your sad little threesome. We, on the other hand, are as excited as ever about the future of 'N Sync, now that Justin has won a Grammy -- just the first of many to come, we're sure, for 'N Sync's five talented members. And we're totally excited to pick up where we left off, just as soon as Justin returns from his sabbatical. We'll all be back together in the studio in no time. In fact, we're going to plan our next album when he has time to meet with us, which he said he should be some time later this year...or, you know, early 2005. Depending on his touring. We know as soon as he calls. He's been busy, what with the Super Bowl thing. But once that dies down...he'll call. He will. Call, that is. Any minute now. He'll -- JC, was that your phone? Are you sure?"

Earth - Burning
"Hi, we're that Gospel choir that backed up Christina Aguilera. We know what you're thinking, we know you never thought you'd think it and, trust us, we were thinking it, too. Yes, we too actually kind of miss the skanky Christina of old. You know, the one who glided down from the heavens on the Grammys a couple of years ago in nothing but a few strands of seaweed and a fine mist of penicillin. Because she's definitely preferable to the Christina who sits barefoot and crosslegged on the stage dressed like Charlie Chaplin. Or the one who shrieks and trills her way through 'Beautiful' with so much gravitas you'd think it was the national anthem and 'Hallelujah Chorus' rolled into one. Or the one who never sings one note-per-syllable when eight-per-syllable will do. Kind of makes you long for the good old days of 'Lady Marmalade.'"

Mars - Warming
"Hi, we're Sting, Vince Gill, Dave Matthews, and Pharrell Williams. We were the foursome who recreated the Beatles appearance, forty years ago, on The Ed Sullivan Show. In doing so, we managed to remind everyone that none of us will ever be nearly as cool as the Beatles. Hell, none of us will ever be nearly as cool as Ringo."

Jupiter - Moderating
"Hello, we're the White Stripes. Just in case anyone was wondering -- that's how you do it."

Saturn - Cooling
"Hi, I'z Quentin Tarantino. I'z so glad the Grammys axed me to give out da award for best R 'n' B record. Cuz likes most people, when I thinks R 'n' B, I thinks one person: Quentin Tarantino. I'z so glad, in fact, that I'z adopted this strange, white-boy's Hooked on Ebonics accent in order to announce da nominees. Na mean? How you like it, y'all? Timberlake's been tutoring me for weeks, yo."

Uranus - Chilling
"Hi, I'm Faith Hill. First, let me clarify a few things. It's Faith Evans -- not me -- who recently entered drug along with her husband. And it was me -- not Kelly Ripa -- who appeared to present at the Grammys, that hairstyle and dress not withstanding. I regret the confusion. Thank you."

Neptune - Freezing
"Hi, I'm Jason Alexander. In an evening of strange pairings -- Michael MacDonald and Mary J. Blige, The Foo Fighters and Chick Corea, Santana and Kelly Ripa -- the strangest of all was when I appeared to give out an award along with Snoop Dogg. This pairing raised two questions: (1) Why the hell is Jason Alexander presenting at the Grammys?; and (2) No, seriously -- why the hell is Jason Alexander presenting at the Grammys? Of course, it all became clear when I cracked that hilarious joke about marrying Britney Spears. Because that guy she married was also named Jason Alexander...you see? Get it? Two people! Same name! Crazy! Okay, maybe it wasn't the highlight of the night, but you know that somewhere right now there's someone wishing very, very hard that she'd married some random guy named Peter Scolari."

Pluto - Ziering
"Hi, I'm Death. To all of you people at home who, as the show crept into its fourth hour, were begging me to come and grant you a sweet merciful release -- my apologies. I was very busy shuffling from house to house and rescuing tortured viewers worldwide from their torment. My beeper was going especially crazy when Sting made his second appearance of the night. Also, even I dozed off for about forty minutes in the middle there. Plus, I got into this whole fight with Steven Tyler who, every time I see him, still refuses to believe that I took him about three years ago. I mean, just look at him. The man is in serious denial. As for next year's Grammys, all I can say is: chomp those cyanide capsules early and chomp 'em often. Also: go Evanescence! Yeah!"