Mercury - Wasabi in a hot spring in Osaka "Hi, I'm Billy Crystal. Oh, good old lovable me -- serving up all the familiar routines and trusty wisecracks you've come to know and love. Literally. I just dusted off the same script I've been using since 1990 and did a quick search and replace. Sure, I whipped up ditties for the current crop of nominees, but come on -- if I'd slipped in a song about Driving Miss Daisy or, I don't know, Bugsy, would you really have noticed? I'm driving Miss Daisy, she's driving me crazy! Pure gold. Yes, in an entirely surprise-free night, I made sure to provide exactly the kind of phoned-in effort the evening demanded. Plus, I appeared naked more often in the first ten minutes than Richard Hatch has in five whole weeks of Survivor! Sure, it was repulsive, but what are you going to do -- fire me? I don't think so -- not after I cannily invited Robin Williams to do a schtick with me. That's right, America. That's what you might have to endure if I ever get tossed from this gig. I even did a Robin Williams impression just to drive the point home. So just be happy with me as your host, or you might wind up with the guy whose ratio of wacky voices to actual jokes is roughly 100 : 0."

Venus - Chili in Guadalajara
"Hi, I'm Charlize Theron. This award isn't just for me: it's for every actor who's taken his or her proceeds from forgettable paycheque pap like, let's say, The Italian Job or Sweet November, and used it to finance an uglifying and therefore surefire Oscar vehicle, thereby essentially purchasing him- or herself an Oscar free and clear. Patty Jenkins, the unknown director I hand-picked to make sure that every element of the movie would not overshadow me and my performance, I thank you for doing exactly what I told you to. I'd also like to add that I am thrilled to be the latest toothsome starlet of questionable acting skill to win Best Actress. That makes seven straight years that we cuties have kept the award away from nasty old hags like Frances McDormand and Holly Hunter, and firmly in the impeccably manicured hands of someone marginally talented, but undeniably pretty. So this one's for all the skinny girls! "

Earth - Spicy chicken wings in Amarillo
"Hi, I'm Adrien Brody. Hey, why am I after Charlize Theron? Didn't you see how I took the focus off the ladies and put it back on myself with that hilarious 'restraining order' crack, and then spritzed myself with Binaca right before I announced the winner? I just wanted to make sure that it was me, and not any of the five nominees in the category I was presenting, who was the most important person on the stage. Also, since none of the movies I've been in since The Pianist has any shot whatsoever of getting me back to the stage of the Kodak Theater on my own steam, I kind of had to milk the moment, which will undoubtedly be my last."

Mars - Tandoori shrimp in New Delhi
"Hi, I'm Sean Penn. Boy, what a relief. Now that I've bagged my Oscar, I can finally stop screaming and go back to my first love: musical comedy. That's why I'll be taking a hiatus from angsty, demanding dramatic roles to focus on my two upcoming films: Dirty Dancing 3: Miami Mambo and You Got Served -- Again!. Thank you."

Jupiter - Steak in Bermuda
"Hi, we're Jack Black and Will Ferrell. We apologize. We did not receive the memo that explained that this year's show was to be entirely entertainment-free. So, if we amused you -- we're sorry. Big mistake. Which was obvious, because we stuck out like sore thumbs. Apparently, there was a mix-up and Sting accidentally got two copies of that memo, because he really took it to heart."

Saturn - Oatmeal in Chicago
"Hi, I'm Renée Zellweger. I am so happy and touched to receive this award, even though it is a lesser prize than I think I deserve after being passed over in the Best Actress category two years running. Not that I would ever let on publicly that I feel that way. If I did, you might start thinking I'm a diva instead of a simple country girl from Katy, Texas! Which I totally am, y'all! Anyway, this is lovely. The only thing I might change to make this moment even better is if the Oscars could have fallen after Bridget Jones 2 wrapped, so that I could diet myself back down to my natural weight of 83 lbs. It kind of takes the pleasure out of rubbing my Cold Mountain win in Nicole Kidman's face when I know she's just telling everyone behind my back what a big heifer I am. But we're totally best friends, you guys. It just happened that Bob Weinstein was sitting between us, and they didn't purposely put him there so that Nicole and I wouldn't scratch each other's eyes out."

Uranus - Gazpacho in Green Bay
"Hi, I'm Tim Robbins. Thanks for the award. At least now I'll never again have to listen to Susan saying stuff like, 'It's your turn to do the dishes -- the Oscar winner did them last night' and 'Tim, do you mind giving the living room another once-over with the Swiffer? Because my Oscar's not catching the light the way it usually does.' 'Cause guess what -- I've got one now too, baby! Now, I know a lot of you were expecting me to make some big political speech while I was at the podium. Frankly, I didn't think the moment was right. But I just want to say that all that stuff Errol Morris said -- I totally ditto that. And that one crack from Sean Penn about the WMDs -- boy, was I ever nodding my head vigorously in agreement. And don't think I let my moment in the spotlight pass entirely. I did make a brave statement to protest child abuse. That's right -- you heard me! Down with child abuse! You can't shut me up! Child abuse is bad! The truth will come out! Screw the Man! Assuming of course that he's a child-abusing Man!"

Neptune - Ice cold Coke in Siberia
"Hi, I'm Peter Jackson. Well, I must say it's nice that after two years of watching trifling films like Chicago and A Beautiful Mind take all the top prizes, the Academy finally honoured the momentous achievement that is my Lord of the Rings trilogy. I mean, seriously -- how long did it take to make Chicago? Like, two years? It took two years just to fashion Hugo Weaving's fake ears! I've been working on these damned films for as long as my kids have been alive! Come on, people! But thank you for finally rewarding me. In fact, maybe you went a bit overboard. Even I never expected this film to win every single prize it was nominated for. Hell, after the show ended, the Finding Nemo guy gave me his Oscar and then bowed in supplication. The ushers were still handing me Oscars on my way out the door. And when I got out to the parking lot, I found two more Oscars stuck under the windshield wiper of my car."

Pluto - Popsicles at the Magnetic North Pole
"Hi, I'm Frank Pierson. It may not have really registered, so let me just confirm what you thought you heard: yes, after Billy Crystal gave that introduction about how boring I am, I did retort that I didn't want to ruin his great show, and yes, that was a dig about how terrible I thought his hosting job was. My pledge to you, the American viewing public, is that after that opener with all the Billy Crystal nudity, neither he nor Joe Roth will be back. Next year, we'll be going with the Oscar host we've been secretly grooming behind the scenes: Robin Williams! No, no, no, don't thank me! Your grateful tears are thanks enough."