Mercury - The kiln "Hi, I'm Ben Affleck. Come on -- admit it. I did myself proud hosting Saturday Night Live last weekend. The sketch about the mentally challenged actor criticizing Gigli was funny, and to whoever wrote the Mary-Kate and Ashfleck joke -- I owe you a beer, bro. Now, if only me and Fallon could have stopped giggling in every sketch like we were two class clowns in a high-school assembly. I can't explain what came over me, folks -- I mean, I managed to get through all of Paycheck with a straight face, and that was way more absurd than anything on SNL."

Venus - The stove
"Hi, I'm Jimmy Fallon. tee hee! I trust you've been enjoying my recent contributions to SNL. giggle giggle! If you haven't, then you probably aren't watching at all anymore, since I'm now, by Papal edict, required to appear in every sketch, snort! in every episode. In fact, I'm in talks with Lorne about making a few hahaha! changes to the show. I can't speak about them yet -- just tune in next Saturday night to Fallon & Friends Live and you'll see what I'm hyuk hyuk! talking about."

Earth - The microwave
"Hi, I'm Charlize Theron. As you may have heard, I announced this week that I'll no longer be doing mediocre films. That right, you heard me. No more. So don't even bother sending me the script to Bagger Vance 2: Baggier Vance. Or The Astronaut's Second Wife. Or The Devil's Re-Advocate: Permission to Approach Satan's Bench."

Mars - The toaster oven
"Hi, I'm Hilary Swank. Yeah, I tried that 'no crap' approach after I won my Oscar, too. Then I ended up in something called The Affair of the Necklace and some HBO movie about suffragettes. So I'd now like to say: I'm once again available for mediocre movies. I'll even do real stinkers. In fact, I'd be open to reprising my role in The Next Karate Kid."

Jupiter - The tea cozy
"Hi, I'm Barbra Streisand. I'll be playing Ben Stiller's mother in Meet the Fokkers. Which is a shame, since you might actually have wanted to see that movie until now. I'm very much looking forward to the film, though I'm hoping to convince the director to go with my choice for the title, which is The Mirror Has Two Parents Named Fokker, One of Whom Is The Incredible Barbra Streisand."

Saturn - The refrigerator
"Hi, I'm Colby Donaldson. Yes, it's true -- I was recently booted off Survivor. I was shocked, too. But maybe it's for the best. Did anyone notice how I was becoming the Colonel Kurtz of the island? Lying up there in that little bamboo bungalow, dispatching my minions to carry out my bidding? Doing interviews while wearing that weird, thousand-yard stare? I went from America's golden-boy sweetheart the first time around to acting like some crazy escaped Nam vet they wound up taking down with a tranq dart."

Uranus - The crisper
"Hi, I'm Omarosa Stallworth. I, too, was recently ejected from my reality show, The Apprentice. My natural leadership skills, however, have not been impaired by this setback. My leadership skills are undeniable. Didn't you see how I rallied all my fellow contestants around me? A born leader! But then I was taken down cruelly by traitors and deceivers! I was battered by falling plaster and ridiculed for my pain! Then I was unjustly fired. That's all right. I'm in talks with Mel Gibson right now to film the story of my last twelve hours on the show."

Neptune - The freezer
"Hi, I'm Viggo Mortensen. Look, it's one thing for Hidalgo to get beat at the box office by The Passion of the Christ. But it's quite another to get beat by Agent Cody Banks: Destination London. So if you don't mind, please spread the word that my new film, Hidalgo, is the stirring story of a man and a horse in a race across the desert, chasing orcs. That's right. With hobbits, too. And Orlando Bloom. Come check it out. He runs up this one horse's back and...well, you have to see it to believe it. And if you don't see it, well, you've already bought your ticket. Take that, Muniz."

Pluto - The really cold freezer at the 7-11
"Hi, I'm Vin Diesel. You may have heard that I'm in talks to star in The Fast and the Furious 3 -- you know, the third installment in the same series in which I refused to appear in the second installment. You might think I'm considering this role now because my last few films have all tanked. But that's not it at all! Skipping the second film in a series was my plan all along! That's going to be my trademark -- the guy who always skips the second installment. That's why I'm also in talks to star in XXX 3. Soon everybody will be copying my strategy. Just you wait -- I'll have the last laugh in 2006 when Charlize Theron signs on for Bagger Vance 3: Par Excellence."