Mercury - Rolling boil "Hello, I'm Jeff Probst. Hey, I enjoyed The Apprentice as much as anyone. But don't you think people were giving Donald Trump a little too much attention? Uh, hello -- there's another reality-show host who's been doing this a little bit longer. Who goes all over the freaking earth and gets his butt bit by mosquitoes and whatever else it was that crawled into my hotel bed the other night. Who has to stand around doing play-by-play for four freaking hours when they do that idiotic stand-on-a-pole challenge. Look, I don't get a Game Boy to pass the time, people. And, unlike a certain moonlighting mogul I could name, at least I know how to corral a bunch of fame-drunk losers during the live finale show. What can Trump do? He just comes out of that creepy closet like Nosferatu out of the coffin, makes a few pointless pronouncements, shouts down George, and then disappears. And he can't even get that right -- didn't you hear all that post-production voice-over work he had to do? Hello? What -- just because he has one freaking catchphrase? 'You're fired'? What's that? I've got catchphrases, people! Lots of them! Like, 'The tribe has spoken.' Ring a bell, anyone? Or 'Out here, fire represents life' -- I think that would look pretty good on a t-shirt. Throw that in the face of your house-league basketball buddies next time you make a nice lay-up. Ha! Out here, fire represents life -- suckah!"

Venus - Bubbles aplenty
"Hi, I'm Bill Rancic. I'm so super-excited to take on my new job as the sort-of pretend supervisor of Trump's multi-million-dollar high-rise complex in Chicago. Because as you might guess, nothing wins the respect and admiration of a bunch of Chicago contractors and construction workers like being that guy from TV with the whitened teeth who won some game show by playing Trump's caddie and running around with a walkie-talkie and a golf visor. Ten-shun!"

Earth - Whistling kettle
"Hi, I'm Kwame Jackson. You know what's ironic? Remember that show where I signed autographs outside Planet Hollywood, and Bill got all mad because I wasn't really famous and we were tricking those poor dupes into thinking I was someone notable? Well, now I could go sit down out front of Planet Hollywood and people would still line up for my autograph, and I still haven't really done anything noteworthy. I do have great ties, though. What a strange country this is."

Mars - Lots of steam
"Hi, I'm Boston Rob. Now that the pansies on The Apprentice are finally off the TV, we can all return our focus to the task at hand -- my coronation as America's favourite alpha male. You think I'm playing Big Tom for a chump -- you are the biggest chumps, America! Geez, all a guy's got to do is go on TV, build a swing set, and then squirt a few tears over his girlfriend who's, like, thirty yards away on another beach, and suddenly the whole country wants to put your face on Rushmore. You're the dupes, America! Or should I say, Yah tha doops, America! Ahsk not what Bahstan Rob kahn do fah you, but what you kahn do fah Bahstan Rob!"

Jupiter - Hot to the touch
"Hi, I'm Ambah. What he said. Isn't he so dreamy? By the way, I'm now legally changing my name to 'Ambah,' for branding purposes. Ambah's Smokin' Ass Brand Chewing Tobacco -- look for it this fall!"

Saturn - A nice cup of tea
"Hi, I'm Nick. Just so everyone knows, I'll be pursuing a career in show business now that The Apprentice is over. Because heaven knows, that's what kept everyone watching the show week after week: my good looks, charm, and indisputable movie-star charisma. Actually, the very self-delusion that makes me and my fellow 'stars' think we should now move to Hollywood is probably closer to what kept people tuning in every week. But I don't know that. See, that's where the self-delusion part comes in."

Uranus - Tepid bathwater
"Hi, I'm Lex. Oh, man! I had my whole game planned out! I was going to vote off Amber, then mind-meld with Big Tom, then dress up as Kathy to win over Shii Ann, then slice Rupert's skin off and wear it as a cloak to trick Jenna into voting off Boston Rob. The whole thing was coming together! Then Boston Rob totally stabbed me in the back! That bastard! And the worst thing is, he took the very knife I put in Colby's back and used it to stab me! The injustice! But I'll show them. I'm on the jury now. And I've only got one thing to say to those conniving, manipulative, untrustworthy schemers: look who's got a mohawk now! That's right! Start quaking, jerks!"

Neptune - Cold shower
"Hello, I'm Shii Ann. If I get voted off soon, at least I'll know that I played as hard as I could. When I was sitting out all those challenges, I was really committed to sitting them out the best way I knew how. And when I sat around rolling my eyes at everyone, while I was carried along in Kathy's wake like dolphins behind a cruise ship, I was using my superior smarts to ensure that I did not strain my eyes while rolling them. Because I knew I would need them to roll them later. I am so proud that I made it this far, which is to say, into the last large handful of people -- in other words, about as far as you can make it by never winning, sitting around, whining, and generally slipping through the cracks thanks to my devious unthreateningness. I think there are no losers here. At least not anymore."

Pluto - Gatorade dumped over your head
"Hi, I'm Mark Burnett. Um, I guess this is the part where I let out my evil genius cackle. MOOWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is all."