Mercury - The One That's Very Hot! "Hi, we're Marta Kaufman, Kevin S. Bright, and David Crane.. So, there it was! The big surprise we promised! The huge bombshell! Did you catch it? Huh? No? But -- there were twins! You see? Not one baby, but two! Whoa! Who could have -- oh, all right. There was no surprises. There was nothing shocking. A foosball table got destroyed. But come on -- what did you think? We were going to have them all pull off their faces and reveal they're actually robots? Maybe Rachel could hump Tom Selleck in the toilet on the way to Paris before the plane goes down in a fireball? No, this was safe, sappy and straight down the middle. Hey, we saw the Seinfeld finale too, you know."

Venus - The One That's Quite Hot!
"Hi, I'm Matt LeBlanc. So...who's the dumb one now, mofos?"

Earth - The One That's Inarguably Toasty!
"Hi, sazz Big Tom. Ya now shazz vern tag dabbit. Vin bucky -- vin bucky tag dogz the fex binnit!*"

*Translation: "Hello. I'm Big Tom. For those of you who may have missed Survivor last night, I was the one voted off. Terribly betrayed by my so-called allies. But that's okay. Now I'm on the jury, where I can get my revenge by continuing my habit of mumbling incoherently while wearing a floppy head scarf, so that I look like someone you might trip over while exiting the subway. That is, if I'm not knocked flat by one of Lex's lethal flying eye-rolls. Those things are deadly."

Mars - The One That's Warm to the Touch!
"Hi, I'm Mario Lopez. Man, I just found out Friends is over! Which sucks, because they totally promised me a guest spot in the 2006 season. Damn."

Jupiter - The One That's Pretty Much Room Temperature!
"Hi, I'm Kelsey Grammer. Look, I'm not saying we at Frasier should get as much attention as Friends. I don't expect a People cover story or a special issue of Entertainment Weekly. But, you know, a few tears would be nice. Remember all the fun you had with me and Niles and Daphne and that other guy? Come on -- this is humiliating. It's one thing to not be the biggest finale of the season, but we're not even the biggest finale of the week."

Saturn - The One That's Acquired a Slight Chill!
"Hi, I'm Marcel the Monkey. Well, now you know: rumours of my return in the show's finale were, sadly, just that -- rumours. Nor will there be a spin-off. I'm not saying NBC is anti-monkey. But can you name the last NBC sitcom that's starred a monkey? No, I didn't think so. I guess I'll just have to take my two excellent development ideas, According to Monkey and Yes, Monkey, over to ABC."

Uranus - The One That's Downright Frosty!
"Hi, I'm John Ratzenberger. Yo, Perry, Schwimmer, LeBlanc -- take a good long look, boys."

Neptune - The One You Definitely Shouldn't Press Your Tongue Against!
"Hello, I'm Ben. Ross's son. Remember me? I'm about nine years old now and I'm doing okay. I was excited to see my dad end up with Rachel, who I guess will be my new stepmom, which officially brings my Mom count to three. My dad seemed pretty happy that Rachel's staying in New York and everything, but I wouldn't really know for sure. I haven't seen or spoken to him in three years."

Pluto - The One That's Frickin' Freezing!
"Hi, I'm Mark Burnett. Thursday nights now officially belong to me. Insert evil genius laugh here."