Mercury - African savannah "Hi, I'm Bahstan Rahb. I know this spot is usually reserved for the winner, but come on. You know I was robbed -- Boston Robbed! Heh heh. But seriously. I'm sorry to all the people whose feelings I hurt along the way. Friendships are the most important...wait -- what am I saying? What did I do wrong, exactly? I dominated this game from Week 1. I determined votes, deftly managed alliances and, for good measure, tossed people head-first into ponds of tepid water right, left, and center. Plus, I built a wicked good swing. So what part of that is everyone all boo-hooing about? I only got one thing to say to Lex, Big Tom, Kathy, Alicia and the rest of you sour-grape-eating, cry-baby-crying, friendship-non-reconciling, self-righteous-speech-making, non-handshake-accepting, 'Et tu, Brute' quoting, 'But it was different when I did it'-self-justifying li'l sucky babies: This is how we do it in the All-Stars, bitch."

Venus - Panamanian heat wave
"Hi, I'm Ambah. What he said. Tee hee."

Earth - Amazonian humidity
"Hi, I'm Lex. Look, this was different! This was about friendship. This hurt. That was a mano a mano request. Bro to bro. It's not the same as when I betrayed Colby or booted off Ethan. In those cases, I didn't have...er, we didn't -- I never made an explicit, non-stab-in-the-back, on a handshake agreement. Besides, they didn't fit in my plan...which was to bring Jerri...then, um, convert Big Tom with the secret prior agreement we, er, didn't have...Oh, anyway -- it was plain wrong! Damn you, Boston Rob! I thought we were buddies! And buddies don't...um, compete against each other -- friends don't, er, do things like...Look, when I said about eight hundred times during the show that this game is not about friendship, it's strictly business, I was talking about other people! Not me! I'm different because...uh, I'm Lex! I... can't... think... straight... Too... much... hair... covering... head... need... evil... mohawk... Oxygen....escaping... brain... Kathy! Mommy! Help me!"

Mars - Outback high noon
"Hi, I'm Big Tom. Sure, I ain't none too bright. Sure, I'm a little shaky on my classical quotations. Sure, I moaned about how everyone was tattletaling like grade-schoolers, then during the final tribal council, I pulled the old 'shake my hand -- oh! Where did it go?' trick -- a ruse most people have abandoned by age eight. But as Jesus once said, 'Whaaaazzzzuuppp!' Hey, it's okay. Y'all still love Big Tom. Never underestimate America's affection for a fat man dancing the jig."

Jupiter - Thailand afternoon
"Hi, I'm Jerri. Look at you bastards! These are real friendships, torn apart for your entertainment! You're no better than the crowds at the Roman coliseum! We're all unwilling pawns in this game...that we signed up for. Twice. And don't even get me started on how I was manipulated into appearing in Playboy -- for your entertainment! Take my naked breasts, jackals! That's it! I can't take this another minute -- oh, heck. Actually, I didn't storm off the final live show. I snuck out to get a cheese dog and went through one of those stage doors that locks behind you."

Saturn - Thailand at dusk
"Hi, I'm Richard Hatch. Seriously, kids, I've got a steady boyfriend now, so I can't be playing den mother to all of you anymore. You're going to have to work out these little scraps among yourselves. Grow up and play nice together. But I would like you all to consider that the naked guy, Mr. Wangle Dangle, is now coming off as the voice of reason. Let's all take a moment to think about that."

Uranus - Marquesas morning
"Hi, I'm Shii Ann. I almost won you back, didn't I? One little mature, reasoned 'glass houses' comment made you almost forgive me for all the screeching. And the whining. And the eye-rolling. And that banquet, where I droned on and on and on about Rupert's steak. Even I couldn't stand myself that night. But at the end, by standing up and being an adult in a playpen full of squalling infants, I actually almost won you back. Almost. Though frankly, I don't care if I got your respect. Because Shii Devil got herself a car. Woohoo! But you know, I worked really hard for that car. I played as hard as I could to get that car, and I can go home feeling good about -- okay, I'll stop now."

Neptune - Pearl Islands in a rain storm
"Hi, I'm Jeff Probst. What? No, that's cool. I don't need a seat. I'll just stand out here on the runner of the helicopter. No, seriously. The view is spectacular. Plus, I've been wearing this same outfit since the last tribal council, which ended, like, four months ago. I smell worse than Rupert's tie-dyed t-shirt. So, trust me, it's better if I just stay out here. You're welcome."

Pluto - Panama nights
"Hello, I'm Mark Burnett. Let's see: broken friendships, million-dollar drama -- and a surprise marriage proposal! Take that, Friends finale! Crikey! What else has Burnett got up his sleeve for you? Oh damn, I'm good. I'm so good, I can give away cars during the throws to commercial. Quick -- who wants a Chevy? Anyone? And hey, what's this in the couch cushions? Another million dollars! What the hell, let's give it to Rupert -- I mean, 'to whomever America chooses.' Sure, you might complain that all these people went through thirty-nine days of privation, starvation, and psychological pain just to win one million dollars, and now I'm basically handing the other million away like it was a door prize at a raffle. But what do I care? I am unstoppable! I am the great and powerful Burnett! So once more, with feeling -- everyone join in! You know the words! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"