Mercury - Is it me, or is it hot in here! "Hi, I'm Donald Trump, and welcome to the best Galaxy of Fame ever, on the internationally famous Fametracker website, the greatest celebrity satire website in the world. I'm here to announce the launch of my new magazine, Trump World, which will reveal fantastic details and shocking surprises about all things Trump -- or, at least, all things Trump that you give a rat's ass about, which means, basically, The Apprentice. Once I've successfully launched my luxurious new magazine, I'll be moving in to my next project: installing solid gold loudspeakers on marble poles in the centre of every intersection in every city in the world. From these loudspeakers, I'll be transmitting the words 'Trump, Trump, Trump' twenty-four hours a day, in what promises to be the most fantastically annoying ploy any tycoon has ever attempted."

Venus - Is it me, or is it relatively hot in here!
"Hi, I'm Britney Spears. Hey, guys, guess what? I'm totally getting married! Like, for real this time! I'm not even going to get totally drunk or anything until after the church part, or maybe just before. But we're, like, totally in love! And the best part is, my new husband already has one kid and another on the way! No, not with me -- with his old girlfriend, the one he left to be with me. But isn't that great? It's, like, instant family! Maybe I can name one Nyla, after my restaurant! As, like, a tribute! I love these kids! I'll be their stepmom -- but a cool stepmom, like Julia Roberts in that one movie I saw part of before I passed out. Cool! I just know I'll be a wicked stepmother -- totally wicked!"

Earth - Is it me, or is it quite warm in here?
"Hi, I'm Mary-Kate Olsen. There have been a lot of rumors swirling about me, so let me clear them up right now. I may or may not be in rehab, which may or may not be related to an eating disorder I may or may not have, Or it may or may not have something to do with a cocaine addiction which I may or may not be suffering from. I may or may not be rejoining my sister soon to promote New York Minute, our recent movie that may or may not have flopped. Actually, let me be more specific. It did flop. I hope that clarifies everything."

Mars - Is it me, or is it temperate in here?
"Hi, I'm Ashley Olsen. Obviously, I'm very upset about my twin sister's rapid weight loss. You know, looking back, I'm not sure how I missed the warning signs. But I'm fine. Can't you tell? I mean, look at us when we stand side-by-side -- I totally look like a whale! Hello! Shamu! I mean, it's like we're not even totally identical and impossible to distinguish one from the other anymore! Because she's so skinny and I'm so totally not skinny in the way she is!"

Jupiter - Is it me, or is it chilly in here?
"Hi, I'm Gary Oldman. Good news for Star Wars fans: I've signed on to star in the next film. Bad news for Star Wars fans: George Lucas is still involved. Heavily. He's asked me to play a very evil character named 'General Grievous.' I guess the names 'Admiral Anarchy,' 'Commander Chaos,' and 'Major Troublemaker' were already taken. In another development, he's going back and alter all the previous films, taking every reference to 'Darth Vader' and digitally changing them each to 'Darth Dastardly.'"

Saturn - Is it me, or is it cold in here?
"Hi, I'm Jack Ryan. No, not the secret agent. The politician from Illinois who recently dropped out of the Senatorial race, following allegations from my ex-wife, Star Trek star Jeri Ryan, that I dragged her to a bunch of sex clubs. As I said in my official statement, 'It's clear to me that a vigorous debate on the issues most likely could not take place if I remain in the race. What would take place, rather, is a brutal, scorched-earth campaign -- the kind of campaign that has turned off so many voters, the kind of politics I refuse to play.' That's the politician's way of saying, 'Ahhhhhhhhhhh shit. Caught!' But, seriously, people, I have to drop out -- I can't have one more turned-off voter on my conscience. I would, however, love to have a few turned-on voters on my, er, conscience."

Uranus - Is it me, or is it downright freezing in here?
"Hi, I'm Jeri Ryan. You know what bothers me? Not my ex-husband and this whole sex-club scandal. What bothers me is that in every news report about it, I'm identified as 'Star Trek star Jeri Ryan.' Hello! Ever heard of a little thing called Boston Public? No? Ever hear of a little movie titled Dracula 2000? No? Down With Love? Not so much. Uh, ever heard of Star Trek? Yes? All right then. Carry on."

Neptune - Is it me, or is it absolute zero in here?
"Hi, I'm Mira Sorvino. Guess what? I recently married in secret. Guess what else? I'm also conducting my career in secret. And, apparently, I'm very good at keeping secrets."

Pluto - Is it me, or is my career in shambles?
"Hello, I'm Whitney Houston. I recently canceled a show in Berlin because of concerns over 'bad weather.' You know what my concern was? Not enough snow. Thank you! Good night!"