Mercury - Hotter than a match head "Hello, I'm Matt Damon. Wait -- who's that laughing? Who is it? Who could it be? Wait... uh-huh... yes... oh, it's me! I am laughing. I am laughing at everyone who laughed at me after The Legend of Bagger Vance. Why? Well, I've got 55, er, 53, um, fifty-some-odd million reasons to laugh! I'm not a numbers person. But still: Ha! And you know this is just the beginning. Not only is there going to be a whole Bourne franchise -- coming soon: Bourne 3: Air Bourne -- but they've just greenlighted Bagger Vance 2: The Vance Contingency."

Venus - Hotter than a match that was just on fire, but isn't right now
"Hi, I'm Ben Affleck. Just so we're all clear, I'm totally still the big star in this duo. Don't let Matt's huge weekend fool you. You'd have to be blind to think he's surpassed me -- blind like Daredevil! Remember that? Well, they're making that into a franchise, suckers. That's right -- 2005! It's gonna be -- I'm sorry, what? They're what? Starring who? Really? They do know I was the star of that movie, right? Great -- are they giving a franchise to Michael Clarke Duncan, too? Don't answer that."

Earth - Hotter than a match that's been out for awhile
"Hi, I'm Jennifer Garner. I'll be starring soon in Elektra, coming in 2005. No, the dismal opening of Catwoman has not made me worried about the future of my franchise. And while we're dispelling rumours, no, I'm totally not dating Ben Affleck. And no, I totally can't open my jaw really wide so that another, smaller version of my head pops out, which is also smiling. Satisfied?"

Mars - Hotter than a match that's not actually lit
"Hi, I'm Halle Berry. Well, I guess I can't complain too loudly about them canceling that Jinx movie now."

Jupiter - Hotter than a match that's not actually lit, in the drawer in the kitchen after you accidentally left the window open a crack all night
"Hi, I'm Will Smith. Yo, anyone notice that my movie is still going strong, with almost $100 million in the bank in two weeks? First we took out Ferrell, then we whupped Catwoman's ass! I am still the King of July 4th Even Though My Film Wasn't Released On July 4th! Screw you, Damon! In fact, I'm in talks to star in my own Bagger Vance sequel: Vance 2: Bigger, Badder, Bagger."

Saturn - Hotter than a match that's not actually lit, in the drawer in the kitchen after you accidentally left the window open a crack all night, in winter
"Hello, I'm Sharon Stone. Sorry, Halle. Remember that part where I told you that having Sharon Stone in your movie guarantees a huge opening? I fibbed. What I should have said was that having Sharon Stone's huge opening in your film -- oh, never mind. You can insert your own joke here. And you can insert your own 'insert your own' joke here. I've got my own franchise to worry about. Risk Addiction, folks -- it's not too early to start ignoring it."

Uranus - Hotter than a match cleverly frozen into a novelty ice cube
"Hello, I'm James Garner. First off, Jim Rockford would have kicked all y'all's asses. Second, my little film, The Notebook, has, er, garnered a tidy $62 million...and counting. That was just the hairspray budget on Catwoman. Speaking of Catwoman, I haven't seen that much tail since I was inside the trailers we had for Space Cowboys. Ha! If these trailers are rocking, please come a-knockin'. And bring the defibrillator."

Neptune - Hotter than a match cleverly frozen into a novelty ice berg
"Hi, I'm Tobey Maguire. Yeah, maybe you've heard of a little something called Spider-Man 2? You might want to check it out. The second film's taken in $328 million. Sound enticing? Not bad for the skinny dweeb from The Ice Storm. No, not that skinny dweeb -- me, you idiots! Me! What's that other skinny dweeb done since The Ice Storm, huh? What was his name -- Elijah Wood? Like he's got any box-office clout."

Pluto - Hotter than a match cleverly frozen into a novelty ice cube, in the drawer in the kitchen after you accidentally left the window open a crack all night, in winter
"Hi, I'm Shrek. I don't mean to stomp on all your human, non-animated toes, but my film's taken in $430 million. $430 million! Even I think that's excessive. What's wrong, folks? Do you dread your kids that much? One Saturday afternoon, you can't stay home? Do a jigsaw puzzle? Just 'cause the kid will see the film thirty-two times in a row doesn't mean you have to take her thirty-two times. Seriously. Buy her a doll. Rent Bagger Vance. Underrated flick."