Mercury - The Top "Hi, I'm Mel Gibson, inviting everyone to come out this weekend and enjoy my new revenge fantasy, Paparazzi. Think of it as Death Wish with photographers instead of rapists. The plot follows a rising movie star who's stalked by evil photographers. They persist in snapping his photo and thus capturing his soul, despite all his best efforts to turn his face slightly away from them. But don't worry -- this story has a happy ending. He kills them! He kills them good! Now, you might think it odd that a big star such as myself -- who has, admittedly, benefited slightly from publicity and image management over the course of my career - is producing a film in which celebrity photographers are maimed and murdered. But let me tell you, I've cursed the paparazzi since day one. Just go back and look. You can see me muttering curses under my clenched smile in every photo. My eyes may say 'Cheese!' but my brain is saying, 'I'd like to throw you through that window, every one of you.' And each time I waved at them as they snapped my picture, I was imagining my cufflink was a tiny machine gun, spraying them with bullets. Bullets of Justice."

Venus - Penultimate
"Hi, I'm Cole Hauser, star of Paparazzi. As I've stated in interviews, I worry the film might anger some photographers, who might 'take it out' on me, or Mel, or the film's other stars. They're a vengeful, blood-obsessed lot, these paparazzi. So don't be surprised if, for the next few months, you only see photos of me that have thumbs in front of the lens, or are slightly under lit, or show only the bad side of my face, or don't use red-eye reduction. I'm not a vampire, you goddamned bloodsucking monsters! I don't have red eyes! I'm a human being! A...human... being...."

Earth - Major Domo
"Hi, I'm Robin Tunney. Uh, look. I don't have anything against paparazzi. It was either this or End of Days 2: False Ending."

Mars - Inner Circle
"Hi, I'm Tom Sizemore. I'm proud to be a part of a film that exposes these photographers for the scum they are. There's nothing more despicable than relentless stalkers who invade people's privacy or threaten their safety. So please enjoy my performance as Rex, the sleazy head paparazzo. As you watch, though, keep in mind that my performance was affected slightly by the fact that, while we were filming, I was arrested by police for issuing death threats against my ex-fiancée, Heidi Fleiss, and then placed under a restraining order. So I was little distracted -- though not by the irony."

Jupiter - In the Loop
"Hi, I'm Dennis Farina. Look, paparazzi, I didn't know what this film was about. You know me -- they just point me toward the camera, hold up the cue cards, and I do my 'gruff detective' act. Sometimes it's gruff dad, or gruff detective-slash-dad, but you know -- either way, it's hard to keep these roles straight. So don't blame me. To be honest, I thought we were filming an episode of Law & Order and I kept wondering when the black guy would show up."

Saturn - Friends With People in the Loop
"Hi, we're The Glitterati. Please, don't confuse us with the paparazzi. We're nothing like them -- we throw parties, wear fabulous gowns, and would never, ever carry all that heavy photo equipment. In fact, the paparazzi often bother us as well, though generally not as often as we'd like. Also, please don't confuse the paparazzi with the literati, which is a whole other crowd. In fact, don't confuse us with the literati either -- they smell like tweed."

Uranus - On a Clear Day, Can See the Loop
"Hi, I'm former Soviet foreign minister and Georgian president Eduard Shevardnadze. I'd also ask that you not confuse me with the paparazzi, or the literati, or the short-lived digerati, for that matter. I'm not really part of the glitterati, either, though I wouldn't mind that, if it meant I could meet Paris Hilton. Oh, The Simple Life -- I tell you, that show is a hoot."

Neptune - Has Heard Tales of the Loop
"Hi, we're The Paparazzi. That's right -- the flash-bulbing, photo-snapping, name-shouting, tree-climbing, lens-extending, other-paparazzi-jostling, car-chasing, Di-killing evil horde itself. You can demonize us all you want, but if you didn't buy this crap, we wouldn't take these pictures! The public demands it! We're only responding to a need! That's the free market -- it's what this country is built on! If you scorn us, you scorn democracy! Uh, let's see, what other rationales do we have here...oh, yeah: It's a free world! And...the public has a right to know! Er...we're simply meeting a need! Oh, wait, we said that already. Look, the bottom line is: Don't hate us. Hate yourselves! Or, alternatively, hate Bonnie Fuller. That works too."

Pluto - So Far From the Loop That it Looks Like a Straight Line
"Hi, we're Child Pornographers. Yeah, what they said."