Mercury - A laser beam "Hi, I'm Britney Spears. Guess what? I got married! [Care-o-meter: 8 out of 10] Or did I? [Care-o-meter: 5 out of 10] Maybe I staged the whole thing as a delicious media hoax! [Care-o-meter: 3 out of 10... and falling] But Kevin and I are still spiritually married, [Care-o-meter: 1.5 out of 10, gusting toward zero] if not legally married. You see, our love is something -- [Care-o-meter: 0 out of 10... moving on...]"

Venus - A floodlight
"Hi, I'm Nicole Kidman. A recent report pegged me as Australia's richest woman under forty, with a net worth of $107 million. So if you're thinking of making a Faustian bargain, that should give you a pretty good idea of what souls are going for these days."

Earth - A klieg light
"Hi, I'm Lisa Kudrow. I'm currently shooting a pilot for a new HBO series called The Comeback, in which I play a fading actress looking to prolong her career with a new sitcom. We're hoping to rush this onto TV, though we're pissed that we already got beat out by my former castmate, Matt LeBlanc, and his new show Joey, about a fading actor trying to prolong his career with a new sitcom."

Mars - A spot light
"Hi, I'm Katie Holmes. Hey, did you hear about my big spat with my beau, Chris Klein? Oh, what a dust-up! Coincidentally, I also have a new movie opening. What are the chances? A headline-grabbing spat, a movie opening, in the same week...I guess what I'm trying to say is, please go see this movie. Please. Otherwise, I might have to go to Plan B: the 'secret' internet sex video."

Jupiter - A stage light
"Hi, I'm Kirsten Dunst. Take my advice, Katie: don't go to your premiere. And if you do, make sure there are no athletes there. I got upstaged at the L.A. premiere of Wimbledon by that tennis player Maria Sharapova! Can you imagine? The nerve of someone else...showing up to a premiere...and other people paying attention to that person instead off me! What the--? So I threw a hissyfit when I heard that a British Olympian was invited to be at the London premiere. What's with these British people wanting to look at other British people? They could -- and should -- be looking at me! I've now given strict instructions to my publicists to make sure I never get upstaged at a premiere again. From now on, the only person besides me who'll be allowed to attend my premieres is Tara Reid."

Saturn - A pen light
"Hi, we're Tara Reid. Sure, you can take your swipes now, Dunst, but my career is so back on track. I've got these new boobs, I've got this new JC Penney campaign -- because really, what says 'moderately priced women's clothing' better than a brand-new fake rack? Speaking of which, I've already plotted my next move. I'm going to star in a big campy Russ Meyer flick. What? He's what? Oh. Hey -- have you seen these lovely JC Penney towels? Right over here, next to my boobs."

Uranus - The light in the refrigerator
"Hi, I'm Russ Meyer>, speaking from beyond the grave. Tara -- sorry, but no. Not even if I were still alive. I was a schlockmeister, not a skankmeister."

Neptune - A laser-beam pointer
"Hi, I'm Garry Shandling. Well, the bad news is in: last Sunday's Emmys were the lowest-rated in fourteen years. Who could have seen that coming? You mean the promise of an evening with Garry Shandling is no longer a sure-fire draw for America? Is the country's long love affair with Garry Shandling finally over? Rats. Though that would explain why What Planet Are You From? is doing so shitty on video."

Pluto - A laser-beam pointer, confiscated by the school principal
"Hi, I'm James Gandolfini. I've got a few things to say, that I wanted to say on the Emmys, but I got cut off. Imagine that! They cut off me, James Gandolfini! Everyone's favourite mobster! Anyway, it doesn't really matter because there were only, like, sixteen people watching. But I still have things to say, dammit! I'm James Gandolfini! So I want to take this opportunity to...er... what was I going to...I'm James Gandolfini! Okay, covered that...there was something, I'm sure of it...don't play that music... um... I know I... Hey, Reid -- nice rack."