Mercury - The One That's Very Hot! "Hi, I'm Renée Zellweger. Would everyone please stop talking about my weight! Yes, I put on some pounds for the new Bridget Jones film. Yes, I took them off very quickly. Yes, I look a bit sickly now. Yes, you could even say skeletal. But since when is a skeletal-looking actress actually news? Come on! Isn't there anything better to talk about? Seriously -- Tara Reid flopped a boob out, people! Where's all the gossip about that? I think we should stop dithering about my figure and get back to the real issues: for example, the fact that, since I dyed my hair black, I look disarmingly like Jennifer Tilly. Except not as fat. Thank God.

Venus - The One That's Quite Hot!
"Hi, I'm Liza Minnelli. Come on, big boy. Have some sex with old Liza. Liza needs the boom-boom. Come on -- hey, where are you going?"

Earth - The One That's Inarguably Toasty!
"Hi, I'm Jude Law. You may have noticed that my recent film, Alfie, totally bombed. Now the producers are blaming -- wait for it -- the election and the 'mood' of the country. Frankly, I don't see it. Obviously, America loves Bush -- and so does Alfie! You see? I think the obvious reason for my film's failure is that no one in their right mind could possibly take a ladies' man seriously when he has the name 'Alfie.' What am I, a philandering muppet from space?"

Mars - The One That's Warm to the Touch!
"Hi, I'm Madonna. I know you're all wondering about this war in Iraq. Sure, you might have some half-formed opinions, but really, you're just sitting around saying, 'Yes, but what does Madonna think about all this?' Well, as I told BBC recently, I think the U.S. should pull the troops out immediately. And I know people will listen to me, because of my huge influence in geopolitical affairs. You know what they say: as the pope is to Catholics, I am to nobody."

Jupiter - The One That's Pretty Much Room Temperature!
"Hi, I'm Liza Minnelli. Mama needs it! Get over here! Don't make me hit you in your own head with a lamp! Give me the loving! Here comes mama!"

Saturn - The One That's Acquired a Slight Chill!
"Hi, I'm Nicole Kidman. As I announced recently, I think I'd be the perfect person to play Cuckoo Chanel. After all, I love the perfume, and have ever since I was a child, which was long before I was being paid $12 million to appear in Chanel's ads. Seriously, don't you think it would be divine? And imagine the synergy -- I mean, energy. The energy. I'd be the perfect Cuckoo! What? Coco? Since when? Oh, maybe I wouldn't be right for the part. I don't even like sweets."

Uranus - The One That's Downright Frosty!
"Hi, I'm Britney Spears. Pay attention to me! I'm...pregnant! Or am I? Maybe I am, and maybe I...am! Or not! Ha! That's my prerogative! I'm so coy! Especially with no pants on."

Neptune - The One You Definitely Shouldn't Press Your Tongue Against!
"Hi, I'm Tara Reid. Oh, Britney. When will you learn? You don't need to tease the media with pregnancy rumours to get their attention. Just pop out a boob. It totally works! Sure, it's shameless and humiliating, and makes you look like a drunken sod. But what am I supposed to do? Act in a movie? This is so much easier. Here, I'll show you. Just -- oops! It's already out! Oh, naughty boob! Would you look at that? No, seriously -- look at it."

Pluto - The One That's Frickin' Freezing!
"Hi, I'm Liza Minnelli. YOU GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW AND GIVE MAMA SOME SUGAR! I WILL TOTALLY FIRE YOU, AND/OR HIT YOU IN YOUR OWN PRETTY FACE WITH A DINNER PLATE. No, not you, you idiot. I was talking to him -- oh, okay, you."