Mercury - Entertainer of the Year! "Hi, I'm Jon Stewart. Well, it's official -- I'm 2004's Entertainer of the Year. Entertainment Weekly said so. I'm not going to say I'm not honored, but really -- who was the competition? Usher? Have you seen that kooky look in his eyes? He looks just about ready to go from 'modern-day Michael Jackson' to 'modern-day latter-day Michael Jackson.' And who else was in the running? Mel Gibson? Yes, there's someone whose eyes are totally 100% kooky-look free. Mm hmm. But, you know, my show was excellent, as usual, and it was an election year, and everyone was totally absorbed in politics -- or, at least, fake news about politics. And I called Tucker Carlson a dick. So, really, I do deserve it. Normally, I don't care about these kind of empty awards, but there is one thing I'd like to say: in your face, Mo Rocca!"

Venus - Vice-Entertainer of the Year!
"Hi, I'm Usher's bodyguard. Usher would like me to tell you that Usher is very grateful for your support this year. Though Usher is not happy about Jon Stewart's joke about Usher, which Usher did not find to be funny. Otherwise, though, Usher is very pleased with 2004. Now please bring Usher a vodka tonic. And stop looking at him. Seriously. Stop it."

Earth - Sub-Commandant Entertainer of the Year!
"Hi, I'm Mel Gibson. When I bankrolled my own film in Aramaic, they all laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? Huh? I'll tell you who. Or should I say who plus who. That's right: it's me... and God! Ha! Together again! Me and God. Having the last laugh. A good long laugh. What's that, God? What? Ha! You sure said a mouthful! Ha ha! God's so funny. No, I can't tell you what he said -- it won't be funny if I translate to English. Anyway, if you thought I had a good year in 2004, just wait until 2005, when I unleash my new self-financed film, The Passion of the Paparazzi, in which a certain movie star is killed by a certain segment of hook-nosed photographers -- only to be resurrected after three days to reap revenge on those same scum-sucking losers! I'm not saying the paparazzi are bankrolled by the Jews, but let's just say they all hang out with Satan. Plus, did I mention the movie's hilarious? It'll be some great laughs with me and you-know-who! Ha! God -- what a cut-up."

Mars - Entertainer-At-Arms of the Year!
"Hi, I'm Teri Hatcher. Shouldn't I be the Entertainer of the Year? I mean, I'm the nominal star of the year's TV sensation. We were even on the cover of Newsweek. So what's the problem? Is it too soon after Lois & Clark? Radio Shack ads still a little fresh in everyone's minds? Okay, cool. I dig. I can wait. Just don't keep me waiting too long, or I'll become like Courteney Cox on Friends -- you know, the 'star' who quickly gets eclipsed by her supporting characters. I'd better not see Felicity Huffman on Uranus."

Jupiter - Alternate Entertainer of the Year, in case of injury!
"Hi -- speaking of Friends, I'm Joey LeBlanc... I mean, Matt LeBlanc. I mean... well, you know. It's me. Joey! How you doin'? Surely you all remember that Friends ended this year. That was one of the biggest stories, right? Of course, mentioning the end of Friends means mentioning Joey, the spin-off that's turned out to be -- surprise, surprise -- about one-sixth as funny as Friends. And I don't want to draw attention to the show -- I'm hoping to lie low while NBC worries about The Apprentice and we work on getting Chandler Perry in for a cameo. I mean, Matthew Bing. Well, you know."

Saturn - Bonus, DVD-only Entertainer of the Year!
"Hi, I'm Tara Reid's boob. You didn't think I'd let a year-end round-up list go by without making an appearance. After all, I seem to be really good at 'making appearances'! Ha! You know, like popping out of a dress. That kind of appearance is what I meant. Remember that? Hey, on the serious tip: in 2005, you all be nicer to Tara. She's going through a rough time. I mean, you know things are bad when your own boob launches a solo career."

Uranus - Person Who Most Entertained the Actual Entertainer of the Year!
"Hi, I'm Jude Law. Um, I don't mean to complain --- I mean, I had a fine year -- I mean, I'm quite grateful, all in all -- but I was in thirty-six movies this year. Thirty-six. That's a lot of work. I had very few Sundays off. And People named me the year's Sexiest Man Alive. What else do I need to do to get on Mercury? I'm doing all I can, people. Have you seen how good-looking I am? And I had to sucker-punch Felicity Huffman just to get on Uranus."

Neptune - Last Entertainer of the Year Standing!
"Hi, I'm She Whose Name Shall Not Be Spoken. Come on -- you know who I am. I'm that vaguely talentless ditsy ingenue who's been on more magazine covers than movie posters, and whom you thought would have burned out long ago, but whose career received an unexpected boost by that irritating reality show. And then I put out an album. And did that SNL cameo where I made fun of myself, thus artificially prolonging my own non-fame. You know me, right? No, I'm the other one. No, the other one. With the less-famous little sister. No, the other less-famous little sister. Plus, I was the creature who stalked the woods in M. Night Shyamalan's The Village. That's right! She Whose Name Shall Not Be Spoken! Boo!"

Pluto - Bizarro World Entertainer of Year!
"Hi, I'm Jon Stewart again. Yeah, I know I was on Mercury. But I thought I'd pop by at the end, just to cheer you up. Ready? 'Dick.' You're welcome."