Mercury - Hell with the heat on "Hi, I'm Chris Rock. So, how'd you enjoy that host-less Golden Globes broadcast? Personally, I made it through the first half of the red-carpet pre-show before jamming a knitting needle in my ear in an insane effort to dig out the boredom. Y'all must be excited for me to host the Oscars. You know it's going to be good. I'll be saying all those things you're usually screaming from your couch at home -- and I'll be saying them right to Warren Beatty's face! Tune in early, because I'm front-loading the show with nasty barbs. Because you know that by the middle of the show, Jack Nicholson's going to put out the word, Bruce Vilanch's going to wrestle me to the ground, and then Karl Malden and Jack Valenti will drag me off and replace me with Whoopi Goldberg."

Venus - Hell with the heat on, but one window open
"Hi, I'm Whoopi Goldberg. What's he talking about? I thought I was hosting the Oscars! This year is my turn, right? Why do they need Chris Rock? Don't I provide enough sassy blackness? Come on -- I've already had over a dozen pairs of heavy velvet drapes and Persian carpets turned into dresses for me to wear, and I've written literally hundreds of unfunny jokes! Like this one: 'Jamie Foxx -- you can say that again! I'd like to put another X on the end of that name, chile.' Or how about this one: 'Closer -- that's how I feel about Jude Law. As in, I'd like to get closer to him. Are you with me, girlfriends? How about if I look at you over the top of my eyeglasses?'"

Earth - Hell with the heat turned down to half
"Hi, I'm Annette Bening. How did you feel when I won the Golden Globe for Best Actress in a Comedy or Musical? Where you overtaken by an extreme sense of ambivalence? Were you swept away by complete underwhelmedness? You see, this year Hollywood's trying a fascinating social experiment: giving a major award to someone who appeared in a movie that absolutely no one has seen. You thought Monster was obscure? Dude, Being Julia makes Monster look like Spider-Man 2. In fact, I'll let you in on a little secret. There is no Being Julia. That's right -- never happened. It's a little ruse Warren and I whipped up so I could right the wrong of being beat out by that horse-face Swank for Best Actress in 2000. As for you, Hilary, I know you also won a Golden Globe. You better bring it on Oscar night, because I just have three words for you: It. Is. On."

Mars - Hell, in need of some caulking around the windows
"Hi, I'm Ryan Murphy. Who? Don't know my name? Maybe this will help you out: Just call me Ryan/Murphy. Or how about this: Ryan/Murphy, Sopranos/Killer. That's right, yo! Me and my little show, Nip/Tuck are all up in the grill of The Sopranos. Kicked. Their. Asses! At the Globes! We're like what Ally McBeal was in the mid-'90s, if Ally McBeal had kicked the ass of The Sopranos! This win was so surprising, it actually knocked Popular back on the schedule."

Jupiter - Hell with the door left wide open, as though Satan is paying to heat the whole neighborhood!
"Hi, I'm Jason Bateman. Unlike my friend, Mr. Murphy, I won't take this opportunity to crow in the faces of everyone who mocked me during my long fallow period in the '90s. I'll just graciously accept this well-deserved Golden Globe award for Best Actor in a Comedy Series, say thanks, and be on my way. But wait -- here comes someone who would like to share a few words with you. It's Teen Wolf Too! And he's grabbing his hairy teen-crotch and flipping all of you a big, furry bird."

Saturn - Hell in summertime
"Hi, I'm Teri Hatcher. I'd also like to grab my hairy teen-crotch and flip all of you skeptics a furry bird. Or something like that. Because who ever believed that I'd be able to win Best Actress in a Comedy by beating out this talented field of...er, other stars of Desperate Housewives. Boy, what a fun set that was on Monday morning."

Uranus - Hell in Indian Summer. Sure, it's not a politically correct term, but what does Hell care?
"Hi, I'm William Shatner, winner of Best Actor in a Drama Series. Take everything they said, but put a Spock on it, fothermuckers."

Neptune - Hell frozen over
"Hi, I'm Natalie Portman, winner of Best Supporting Actress in a movie. I don't really have any grudges to settle, though I do plan to carry my Golden Globe statuette around with me so I can bludgeon anyone who comes up to me on the street and says, 'I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die while you discuss this invasion in a committee.' And since everyone seems to like Closer so much, this gives me a great idea to pass onto George Lucas. Two words, George: Amidala. Thong. Then I can walk up to Anakin all slinky-like and say, 'Are these the droids you're looking for?'"

Pluto - Hell frozen over, then served on a bed of lemon-flavored Italian ice. Delicious!
"Hi, I'm Kathy Griffin. I'd say something witty here, but I'm too busy being spanked thoroughly by Dakota Fanning."