Mercury - A dignified acceptance speech "Hi, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio, star of The Aviator, which earned eleven nominations and has now emerged as the frontrunner across the board. Ah, there's nothing Hollywood loves more than a grand old epic, especially when it's a grand old epic about the glory days of Hollywood. One hopes they won't show too many clips of Gwen Stefani as Jean Harlow because, really, the present-day Hollywood doesn't come out so well in that comparison. Stick to the Jude Law as Errol Flynn stuff. As for me, I know I probably won't win Best Actor, but if I do, I promise to give a dignified, humble speech acknowledging the artistry of Martin Scorsese, the generosity of the Academy, and the support of my loving parents. Then I'll bring the whole Pussy Posse up on stage, yo! But not that Blaine bitch. If he comes anywhere close to us, Lukas Haas will smack him down two times."

Venus - A dignified acceptance speech that goes on a little too long
"Hi, I'm Martin Scorsese. Look, I know The Aviator isn't my best film. But don't you think it's time I got one of those Best Director Oscars? Wouldn't it be nice to remedy one of the most comical oversights in Oscar history? Please? And if not, can I ask one favor? I've lost to Kevin Costner, I've lost to Polanski -- who couldn't even come to the ceremony -- but please, please, don't let me lose to Taylor Hackford."

Earth - A dignified acceptance speech, the tail end of which gets drowned out by the orchestra
"Hi, I'm Jamie Foxx. Oh, yeah -- the double nominee. How sweet is that? I figure I'm a stone lock for Best Actor. Best Supporting might be a stretch. Still, you know if I actually win both, I'm going to stick those twin statues onto a cone bra like Madonna used to wear, like two big old shiny gold nipples, and prance around for the rest of the night. Night? Hell, rest of the year."

Mars - Wait, what? Don't go to commercial! I'm just getting started!
"Hi, I'm Brad Bird. Yeah. Great. What can I say? Thanks for the nomination for Best Animated Film. I mean, The Incredibles was pretty much the most universally loved film of the year, as well as one of the most successful. So I'd be lying if I said I wasn't kind of half-expecting some Best Picture recognition. But, you know, that's cool. It's a real honor to be going head-to-head with Shark Tale."

Jupiter - A standard speech about what an honor it is to be included among this amazing pool of nominees
"Hi, I'm Kate Winslet. I appreciate the nomination for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, though I understand I'll likely be overlooked in the midst of Bening-Swank II: The Swankening. Or, as Don King's now calling the fight, I'll Beat Her at the Kodak Theater. Should be a barn-burner."

Saturn - A laundry list of thank-yous to lawyers and agents
"Hi, we're the rest of the cast and crew of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.. Hey, can we borrow your cell phone? We have to call the police. Because we were robbed. Sure, they threw Charlie Kaufman the old screenwriting nomination. Best Screenplay -- gee, thanks! That's just insult to injury -- the Oscar equivalent of cleaning out our hotel room, then leaving behind a Polaroid of our toothbrushes jammed up Karl Malden's ass."

Uranus - An uncomfortable invocation of a controversial political issue
"Hi, I'm Sophie Okonedo, otherwise known as the Annual Out-Of-Left-Field Nominee For Best Supporting Actress. Or, if you prefer, you can just call me the Pool Buster. What -- did you think you were just going to walk away with that Oscar Pool this year? You may not know my name now, but trust me -- whether I win or lose, come Oscar night there's going to be more than a few poolsters shaking their fists and screaming at the sky: OKONEDOOOOOOOOO!"

Neptune - Staring grimly at the audience, chastising them for their frivolity like a high-school principal
"Hi, I'm Michael Moore. You know what? I changed my mind. I actually do want my film to be in the running for Best Documentary. Is it -- anyone? Too late? Anyone? Come on -- I even got new glasses! I shaved my hideous briar patch of a beard! Anyone? Damn."

Pluto - Drunken rambling, Anna Nicole Smith-style
"Hi, I'm Chris Rock. Are you salivating? Because I'm salivating."