Mercury - Stripped Naked "Hi, I'm Paul Giamatti. You know, when I did that skit on SNL where the limo driver had no idea who I was and didn't seem to think I had any shot at the Oscars, that was a joke. And the reason it was so funny is that everyone knew I definitely was going to get an Oscar nomination! So what the hell happened? Everyone attached to the movie gets a nomination -- the screenwriter, the director, two of its four cast members, the movie itself -- and where am I? Is this because I left a flaming bag of crap on Warren Beatty's front stoop that time? Because I'm almost positive that I apologized for that. Damn you, fortified wine!"

Venus - Bathing Suit
"Hi, I'm Jim Carrey. Brother, I have been there. And you know, you'd think that getting asked to be an award presenter and then making a bitchy speech about how overlooked you were, in the middle of the telecast, would make you feel better. And you'd be right. It's awesome."

Earth - Tank Top and Underwear
"Hi, I'm Julia Roberts. Didn't you guys notice when I was -- I mean, 'played, played!' -- a cheating hussy in Closer? Wasn't it so shocking when America's sweetheart started talking about [whispering] man juice? I'm just a down-home girl from Smyrna, Georgia who never talks about dirty stuff like that, never mind actually doing it, so that was really some acting I did. I just can't believe no one noticed! Oh well, I don't care. I probably wouldn't have gone to the Oscars anyway, because I just can't spend enough time with my adorable twins Hazel and Phinnaeus, and my amazing husband...um...I want to say Earl?"

Mars - T-Shirt and Shorts
"Hi, I'm Meryl Streep. Congratulations, Natalie. [eye-roll]"

Jupiter - T-Shirt and Pants
"Hi, I'm Peter Sarsgaard. I just want to say something for the record, in case I give another excellent and full-frontally nude performance in 2005 that is in any danger of being overlooked during awards season: if you nominate me for a major, televised award, I will personally guarantee that my date, Maggie Gyllenhaal, doesn't wear anything ugly, ill-fitting, or braless."

Saturn - Long-sleeved Shirt and Pants
"Hi, I'm I [Heart] Huckabees. I know, I was a real long shot. And I know, if America wasn't really ready for a sweet if unusual love story like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, it definitely wasn't ready for...whatever the hell I was. Anyway, I know that my shut-out is due to the fact that David O. Russell leaves flaming bags of crap on George Clooney's front stoop like twice a week. What is that clown's problem?"

Uranus - Jacket and Pants
"Hi, I'm Marc Forster, this year's designated nomination-free director of a Best Picture nominee. Nothing, I get, for helming that incredibly subtle and challenging film? Didn't you notice how Kate Winslet had that little cough so long before we found out her character was sick? That wasn't even in the script, that was my idea! But, you know. Mike Leigh's good too, I guess. Whatever."

Neptune - Wool Coat, Pants and Lined Boots
"Hi, I'm Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom of the Opera. So, Moulin Rouge! and Chcago yes, Phantom of the Opera no. So, pairing a legendarily hacky director with a maudlin Broadway musical doesn't lead to Oscar glory. So, Christopher Columbus, good luck with Rent."

Pluto - Parka and Ski Pants Inside an Insulated Tent
"Hi, I'm Oliver Stone. If they'd included all the scenes I'd filmed of men fucking, Alexander would have definitely beaten out The Aviator for most Oscar nominations. I knew I should have paid that kickback to the Gay Mafia! Damn you, fortified wine!"