Mercury - A speech for the ages "Hi, I'm Annette Bening. I'm so honored just to be included among these worthwhile nominees. In fact, I'd like to turn down this Best Actress award and give it instead to Hilary Swank for her amazing work in Million Dollar Baby. I'd like to, but I can't, because I've waited a goddamn long time for this. In fact, I think not only should she cede this to me, but she should retroactively give me that Oscar she stole from me in 2000, which I totally deserved for my performance as a brittle real-estate agent in American Beauty, plus I don't think she should even be eligible for Best Actress because I think she's actually a boy. Thank you."

Venus - The best speech of the night
"Hi, I'm Imelda Staunton. Thank you so much for this Oscar for Best Actress -- what a surprise! I can only say this to my fellow nominees tonight: what's up, bitches! Looks like Vera Drake 'aborted' your chances! Think about that next time you elbow me off the red carpet so you can show your best side during an interview with E!, Charlize Theron."

Earth - Humble and poignant
"Hi, I'm Natalie Portman. I totally can't believe this. You know, I've grown a lot in the last few years, and I have only one person to thank: George Lucas. George, your thoughtful insights and subtle suggestions crafted me into the fine actor I am today. Oh, and acting in front of all those green screens helped too. Because once I got on, you know, an actual set with, you know, actual props, acting across from Clive Owen instead of a guy in a bodysuit with a broomstick on his head to show me where to direct my eyes, this acting thing got a whole lot easier."

Mars - Boilerplate, but brief
"Hi, I'm Clive Owen. So I guess you can take my name out of the running for James Bond, then."

Jupiter - Enough with the thank-yous
"Hi, I'm Thomas Haden Church. Thank you for believing in me. This one's for Tony Shalhoub, and Crystal Bernard, and George Wendt, and Pat Harrington Jr., and all those other sitcom refugees just looking for the right role. I will always treasure this Oscar, and if it paves the way just a little bit for a Markie Post career revival, then all those years in oblivion will have been worth it. Oh, and by the way: to Debra Messing -- who's the Peter Scolari now?"

Saturn - A laundry list, interrupted by the orchestra
"Hi, we're the producers of Sideways. Who knew that Million Dollar Baby and The Aviator would split the vote and our charming little film would come charging up the middle? This is so great. Just to be up here, at the podium, holding an Oscar -- it's like a dream. We'd like to thank -- what? We're coming back from commercial? We have to go sit down again? Yeah, okay, we'll give back the statuette. Just let us hold it a little while longer."

Uranus - Shrieking idiocy
"Hi, we're The Incredibles, doing the standard animated-characters- pretending-to-talk- at-the-podium bit. Don't worry -- we won't be long. We hate this as much as you do. But if we have at least five lines of dialogue, we get double the standard rate for the voice talent. We said, if we have at least five lines of dialogue, we get double the standard rate for the voice talent. Okay, that should do it. Thanks."

Neptune - Jabbering self-promotion
"Hi, I'm Jamie Foxx, and I'm speechless. Good night."

Pluto - Blubbering incoherence
"Hi, I'm Martin Scorsese. Wow. What can I say? This is just as I imagined it...all those years...those many, many years. Of course, I didn't envision the part where I'd have to rush the stage, stab Clint Eastwood dead with a pitchfork, then pry the statue from his cold, dead hand. But, you know, I've jumped through all your hoops already, haven't I? Made the brilliant masterpieces -- nothing. Made the schlocky, Oscar-baiting epics -- no dice. So I figure the next step is the pitchfork. So a big thank you -- I mean that. Now back off."