Mercury - July in Miami "Hi, I'm Chris Rock. Are you still there, America? Did you survive? Have you stanched the blood flowing from your fragile, precious ear drums after that onslaught of scabrous comedy? I already know I'm going to have to spend the next six weeks apologizing to everyone for pointing out that (a) Jude Law is in every other movie and (b) most Americans could give a shit less about a bunch of movies they haven't seen, and which one wins an award on a show they don't watch. But come on -- it wasn't so bad, was it? In fact, that feeling you felt in the opening monologue -- that strange cramping in your midsection? Don't be alarmed by it. That was the feeling of actually laughing at an Oscar monologue. I know it's been a while, but that's what that feels like."

Venus - June in D.C.
"Hi, I'm Jamie Foxx. Ohhhh! [Ohhhh!] Etc. Look, even I am kind of sick of myself at this point. And my Best Actor win was so predictable that I was barely even excited to get it. But you know who is excited? My dead grandma, y'all! She raised me! She taught me how to act! And when I got out of line, she beat the crap out of me! I mean, she really whooped me bad. There wasn't any kind of Kids Help Phone back then, so I spent a lot of time just hiding from her out in vacant lots, hoping that when I came home, she'd have forgotten why she was mad at me, but she never did. And she was an old lady, but she had a good arm. I have a lot of scars -- let's say one for every award I've received for playing Ray Charles! And I dedicate every one of those awards and scars to you, Grandma! I know we'll have a lot to talk about tonight, as I apply my ointment."

Earth - May in Maine
"Hi, I'm Hilary Swank. You know how people talk about how Hollywood today seems to lack glamour? They can't quite define why -- but somehow the whole movie industry just doesn't seem as magic as it once was? Some say it was dreamlike quality of the black and white film, while others blame the tabloid culture for tearing down our idols. Still others say it's just our own tendency toward nostalgia. But the fact is, it's because Audrey Hepburn would never have waved off the orchestra so she could tack on a big shout-out to her publicist at the end of an Oscar speech. Nope. Wouldn't have happened."

Mars - April in Seattle
"Hi, I'm Annette Bening. I got a lot of press for not having had Botox and being able to play an actually aging actor in Being Julia. But it might have been nice to have an immobilized face during the Oscars in order not to betray how I felt about Hilary Swank's having beaten me again. Those weren't tears of joy I was crying for her, and you all knew it."

Jupiter - August in New Hampshire
"Hi, I'm Beyoncé. You might have thought it was a bit much for me to sing three of the five Best Original Song nominees, but when Gil Cates noticed how much time it shaved backstage to have to prep only one performer in the place of three, it gave him an idea: next year, I'll be hosting, presenting, ushering guests, filling seats, and portraying any dead former Hollywood luminaries that may die between now and the next Academy Awards. Oh, and in case you couldn't quite put your finger on what I was trying to do with that black dress I had on to sing the song from Phantom of the Opera: my thinking was that Audrey Hepburn looked okay as Holly Golightly, but that there could have been more. My outfit as Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner at Tiffany's."

Saturn - October in Alberta
"Hi, I'm Charlie Kaufman. I've pranked you again, Hollywood, by sending Seth Green up to the stage to accept my award."

Uranus - November in Alaska
"Hi, I'm Penélope Cruz. I don't want to sound ungrateful for the sound-awards presenting gig, but whose idea was it to get me to say the phrase 'usable original auditory elements'? What is this -- My Fair Lady?"

Neptune - January in the Yukon
"Hi, I'm Marlon Brando. I coulda been a contender. Or, at least, I could have got my own frickin' personal memorial montage. Um, I'm not sure if you know this, but I'm widely considered to be one of the greatest screen actors, if not the greatest, of all time, and so, you know -- no disrespect, but maybe you don't want to throw me in with the guy who wrote Rambo: First Blood. But I understand -- there wasn't time to give me a separate tribute, given that you had to honor Johnny Carson, the famous...er, TV star. Who hosted the Oscars a few times. Of course, this slight had nothing to do, I'm sure, with the fact that I never showed up to the Oscars and always sent people to accept awards, and speechify, in my place. Because the Academy would never retaliate in that way. Because the Oscars are all about class."

Pluto - February in Denmark
"Hi, I'm Jamie Foxx's dead grandma. I'm so proud of my boy for winning Best Actor -- proud, but not surprised, just like all of you. However, I didn't actually see him winning the award; there was a Gilmore Girls on ABC Family that I'd never seen. Anyway, good for you, Jamie. And I'm happy to have had any small part in making you the man you are today. If I had it to do all over again, I'd have physically abused you just a little more; maybe you'd have that Grammy too, if I had."