Mercury - Bullet straight to the middle of the forehead! "Hi, I'm Bruce Willis. Welcome to Sin City, where the men are bruised, the woman are buxom, the geeks are giddy, the dialogue's hackneyed, and the hairpieces look like prairie shrubs run over by a mower with a rusty blade. Seriously, did you see that thing on my noggin? That didn't look natural, even in black and white. You can create a whole city out of CG, but you can't give me a mop that looks half-real. Ah, but what do I care? I've still got it -- I'm one sexy bald mofo, as I totally didn't prove when I totally didn't make out with Lindsay Lohan. Which I didn't. And it wasn't fantastic."

Venus - Bullet right through the eye!
"Hi, I'm Jessica Alba. After Honey tanked, I went to my agent and said, 'How about a totally different direction? I'd like to produce and star in a biography of famed suffragette Carrie Nation -- she's a real-life superhero. I feel I could bring both passion and nuance to the role. And my agent said, 'That sounds good. Why don't we give the naked belly-dancing thing one more try, though?' Well, looks like she was right. Thanks, agent!"

Earth - Bullet just to the left of the eye!
"Hi, I'm Brittany Murphy. I loved doing this movie, not only because I love movies and life and totally never do coke, but also because I actually live in Sin City. So the commute was really easy. But I don't live in the bad part of town. I live in the nice part with all the people who totally aren't strung out, just like I'm not. I've never even seen the bad part of town, or the drugs they do there, let alone snorted them up my nose or injected them into my eyelid to achieve an exhilarating, mind-blowing high, the likes of which I've totally never experienced."

Mars - Bullet in the cheek!
"Hi, I'm Mickey Rourke. Wow, cue the comeback, huh? First the small part in Man on Fire, now this, for which I'm getting great reviews, and later this year I've got a part in Domino, the Keira Knightley film about a woman who leaves her life as a model to start a chain of pizza restaurants… or something. Look, I just stand where they tell me to stand. Of course, a lot of you out there won't remember me as the handsome, rough-and-tumble hearthrob from Rumble Fish, Angel Heart, and The Pope of Greenwich Village. And those who do remember me won't recognize me. You know, if I'd known I was actually going to have a semi-comeback, and not simply live out my days as a vain, semi-delusional has-been amateur boxer in France, do you think I would have resculpted my face so dramatically? The funny thing is, most people see my playing Marv in this film and they think I'm wearing prosthetics. Sorry, folks, but that chin's not makeup -- it's the result of a two-for-one coupon I cashed in at a discount drive-through surgeon in Caracas."

Jupiter - Bullet clean through the nipple!
"Hi, I'm Nicky Katt. Yeah, the guy who gets shot with the arrow. Yeah, the funniest thing in the movie. Once again, I stroll in and casually steal a film. And once again, no one recognizes me, so that the one thing everyone still remembers me from is Boston freaking Public."

Saturn - Bullet to the groin!
"Hi, I'm Nick Stahl. Does anyone know where I can find William Mapother? Cause after what that Tom Cruise-looking fothermucker did to me in In the Bedroom, I think I'd like to go a little Yellow Bastard on his ass. Then I get started on the writers for Carnivàle."

Uranus - Taser shot to the groin!
"Hi, we're Carla Gugino. You might remember me from Spin City, Spy Kids, or Karen Sisco. You don't, however, remember me from Sin City, because you were staring at my naked rack the whole time, you perv."

Neptune - Taser shot meant for the groin, hits the thigh!
"--"*
*Devon Aoki would like to say that, were she allowed to speak, she'd thank you for your support and for patronizing this film. But as it stands, she's only allowed to stand mutely and chuck throwing stars at people. You know, because she's Asian. Asian women don't get to talk in movies like this one, but they do get to kill people swiftly with their strange, silent Eastern dark arts. So watch out! Ha ha. She''s just messing with you. Or is she? Those Asians are so inscrutable..

Pluto - Taser shot, misses thigh, hits wall, frightens nearby cat!
"Hi, I'm Elijah Wood. Go ahead. Call me Frodo now. No, seriously, I want you to. Come on. I just had my nails done."