Mercury - The Top "Hi, I'm Tom Cruise. I'd just like to start by saying I repudiate the false, hurtful rumors that my relationship with Kathy Holmes is in any way disingenuous or fabricated. The very idea that someone would characterize my true and undiluted heterosexual love for Kelly as some sort of publicity-related stunt, or hyper-aggressive Scientology recruitment campaign, is, to me, repellent. I say, !@#$% that person. !@#$%@ that person who says that. !@#%$!# them twice, in the manner in which a man who truly and sincerely loves his woman friend would !@#$@# that woman friend, though without the implied affection."

Venus - Penultimate
"Hi, I'm Katie...Holmes. I...love...Tom...Cruise... I...love...Tom... I...love...him...Tom...Cruise... ha...ha...ha... the...fun...we...have... Tom...ha...ha...Cruise... love...Hubbard... love...Hubbard... love...Mapother..."

Earth - Major Domo
"Hi, I'm Brad Pitt. Unlike my esteemed peers here, I'm totally not having sex with the woman everyone says I'm having sex with, and just because I was in a movie in which we played husband and wife and had incredibly hot sex scenes and then, to promote the movie, appeared in a very long magazine photo shoot in W in which we posed as husband and wife and rolled about half-clothed in a bed, that totally doesn't mean we're actually, you know, having sex or that there's anything totally hot or sexual between us, because that was just fantasy and had nothing to do with me breaking up with my wife, and if we hadn't, you know, broken up, I mean, that photo shoot would have come out and my wife would have been totally cool with it and not thought it was a slap in the face at all, but seriously, did you see how hot we looked together? We did look pretty hot together. I mean, dude, you can't imagine how hot we look together when we're totally not doing the things we were pretending to be doing in that movie and those photos? Thank you."

Mars - Inner Circle
"Hi, I'm Angelina Jolie. You know what's wrong with this country? I can kiss my brother on the mouth and wear my husband's blood around my neck and tell a magazine I'm sleeping with two men and three women and a knife all at the same time and everyone kind of raises an eyebrow and shrugs. And yet, I'm tenuously linked to one pretty-boy, kind of dumb movie star and the entire nation grinds to a halt and goes apeshit. Seriously, you people need to get your voyeuristic priorities straightened out. Weirdos."

Jupiter - In the Loop
"Hi, I'm Tom Cruise. You know, I don't know if I really made my point earlier about how totally in love I am with Kitty Holmes and how all the people who don't believe me can !@$%# themselves. Wa-hoo! I'm just -- yahooey! Yippee! I can't stop myself from expelling great inarticulate gusts of joy over this true and not fabricated-- yeep! There I go again! So much true and factual love leaking from my face all at once! Unstoppable!"

Saturn - Friends With People in the Loop
"Hi, we're Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner. Um, not that we want to 'poke' the 'hornet's nest,' but you all remember that we're, like, a couple and that we're actually having, you know, a baby? Right? Like, a real one? Not that we want you to be following us all the time and snapping our photos, God knows, but we just thought we'd check to make sure you -- you do? Really? So we're good then. Okay. Great. Well, the privacy's wonderful. Seriously. Lovin' it. Just what we've always... wanted."

Uranus - On a Clear Day, Can See the Loop
"Hi, me Russell Crowe. Me love wife. Me must talk wife! Me must talk wife -- you make talk machine talk! You fix talk machine! Me must love wife in talk machine! Kill you! Kill you with talk machine! Kill! Talk machine! Me! Love! Me...Me sorry. Me sorry me make mad. Me no bad man. Me just love wife. Me swear."

Neptune - Has Heard Tales of the Loop
"Hi, we're Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey and we are totally in love. We've had our ups and downs, but we're still going strong, thanks to Nick's patience and Jessica's tips for getting bikini-fit for summer and Nick's patience. So don't believe the rumors you've heard, because our love is true, just as true as the statement, 'Neither of us has ever been cuckolded by Johnny Knoxville.' Another great truth. That's what's so great about love. It just brings out so much truth."

Pluto - So Far From the Loop That it Looks Like a Straight Line
"Hi, I'm Tom Cruise. Wahoo! I couldn't agree more! Truth and love go together like Tom Cruise and Kandy Kane! Yowza! It's just the greatest feeling in the world to be in love and telling the truth all the time at the top of your lungs, and also in love! Badoom! And if you don't know what that feels like you can !@#$$#$ yourself in the #$%^^#% and then !#$@# your own !$##^% with a hot !$%#$^& you !$^%%#ing @$^#%$ because that's what love is all about! Yabba dabba doo!"