Mercury - Scorched Earth "Hi, I'm internationally famous movie star Geena Davis. I'm sure you're going to love my new show, The West Wing With Geena Davis, in which I play the U.S. President, Geena Davis. Now, some viewers will be put off by the experience of watching my last show, The Geena Davis Show, as well as any number of my movies that weren't called Thelma & Louise. But I'm confident that you'll fall in love with my no-nonsense attitude and still vaguely recognizable smile. And guess what? I'm the president! A lady! A lady president! And we've already got the Susan Sarandon stuntcasting all lined up. She'll play my vice-president, Susan Sarandon. Geena and Susan, together again! We may even rename that episode The West Wing with Geena Davis & Friends. If she's nice to me."

Venus - Melting Asphalt
"Hi, I'm Martha Stewart. Are you ready for a double-dip of Martha? No doubt you're already excited for my daily syndicated talk show, Martha, and soon you can see me on The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, applying my unique brand of charming anal-retentiveness to a stream of wannabe domestic dictators. Have you heard my catchphrase? 'You just don't fit in.' Catchy, yes? Soon all America will be saying it! 'You just don't fit in.' I picked that one up in prison. I'd rather not discuss the details."

Earth - Baked Clay
"Hi, I'm Freddie Prinze Jr. I'm here to tell you that the long national drought of Freddie Prinze, Jr., is now over. Yes, I understand -- and your gratitude is appreciated. Now, I know you've spent many nights in front of the TV thinking, 'Sure, Two and a Half Men is entertaining, but where's the Freddie?' Right here, my friends. Right here. And it's a great premise: I play a guy named Freddie. Cool."

Mars - Moist Concrete
"Hi, we're the stars of Just Legal. What is it, you ask? Truth be told, it's a run-of-the-mill law drama about a fresh-faced kid who joins a grizzled vet, played by a perennial TV favorite. Oh, wait. Our mistake. That part's played by Don Johnson. In any case, the premise doesn't really matter. We're betting the show's name alone will draw enough of a curious-perv audience to at least get us through to sweeps week. Then bring on the Philip Michael Thomas cameo!"

Jupiter - Dewy Grass
"Hi, I'm Matt LeBlanc. Seriously, Joey's going to be so much funnier this year. Come on, guys. Give it another chance. What happened to all of us being friends? Remember that? 'I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to--' everybody now! Here's your chance to be there for me! This year, we've tinkered with the show: for starters, we replaced the co-creator and former Friends writer with a guy from Just Shoot Me. That's gotta help, right? And we've brought in a character who's sort of like Chandler but not really. Have we won you over yet? In fact, we can now guarantee that, rather than being just one-sixth as funny as Friends, the show's at least one-fifth as funny. And on several nights, it's nearly one-fourth as funny! And we're also bringing back the monkey, Marcel! Unless you don't want us to. In which case, no monkey. Your call, America."

Saturn - Autumn Puddle
"Hi, I' Jason Lee. I'm on TV now. So the good news is, you can stop playing that worn-out Chasing Amy DVD, chuck Vanilla Sky altogether, and get a fresh Lee fix every week. And I do mean fresh. You see, now I've got a mustache. A real one. Delicious."

Uranus - Cool Spring
"Hi, I'm Shannen Doherty, and I'm back on Love, Inc. What's a TV season without Shannen Doher-- what?!? You what!?! You can't fire me! I will rip your hair out, bitch! The people demand their Doherty! All right, well, if you'll excuse me, I've got a phone call to make. I hear they might be looking for a sidekick to Tara Reid on Taradise."

Neptune - Mountain Lake in Winter
"Hi, I'm one-time gospel singer turned Peter Cetera duettist turned reality-show host Amy Grant. I know you're going to love my new show on NBC called Three Wishes, in which I travel to a small town each week and grant the wishes of three lucky locals! Assuming, that is, that one of their wishes is to see a live performance by former gospel singer turned Peter Cetera duettist Amy Grant. Yep, that's the show. Boy, NBC is really turning it around! Take that, Les Moonves!"

Pluto - Polar Ice Cap
"Hi, I'm Jill Hennessy. I'm here to remind you that my show, Crossing Jordan, is back for yet another season. In fact, it's kind of a hit. I know you didn't realize that it was still on, but think about it: all those Nash Bridges fans have got to watch something. And, no, I still don't know what exactly Jordan is crossing. Please stop asking."