Mercury - Really Hot And Somewhat Humid "Hi, we're Tom Cruise's juicy, incredibly motile sperm! Nice work, huh? Not only did we knock up the totally happy and not-at-all brainwashed Katie Holmes, but her baby now seems to be growing at three times the normal rate. That's how incredibly potent we are -- we, the sperm of the unstoppably virile Tom 'The Impregnator' Cruise. We're like little woman-seeking missiles: we fly right into a woman and make her pregnant with a baby in her woman parts. Of course we do! And we don't want to hear anything about Katie Holmes getting pregnant before Tom's big Eiffel Tower proposal, and we certainly don't want to hear that she got pregnant through means other than the traditional way -- you know, the way that involves us flying out of Tom and right toward a woman's parts, where we do our work because we're so potent and have had so much practice! Flying into woman parts, we mean!"

Venus - Mosty Toasty
"Hi, I'm Happy Katie Holmes. I'm so happy, and I couldn't be happier. My happiness is so total and complete that I just feel nothing but happiness. Tom Cruise is the most amazing, virile man in the way he makes me feel the happiness I feel. I just wish my parents could see that my total conversion to happiness and devotion to Tom and my new baby is wonderful! And it's all about being happy and joyous. Joy! That's what this feeling is! I'm so happy and full of it. The happiness, that is. I'm so pregnant and happily full of nothing but joy, and why can't people understand, especially the people who've known me all my life and now wonder what the hell happened to me? Happiness, that's what!"

Earth - Perfectly Comfortable, Thanks
"Hi, we're Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, and we are totally not split up. Our marriage is as full of love as our careers are full of promise. Wait. Let us rephrase that."

Mars - All Things Considered, Would Rather Be On Earth
"Hi, I'm Ashlee Simpson. I'm full of it too! Promise, that is! Did you catch me on Saturday Night Live? I bet you thought I'd make some self-deprecating joke about 'the incident,' like starting to sing to a track and then realizing it -- ha ha! -- as a goof, just to show I'm cool with it! Well, I fooled you. Instead, I introduced a song as one I'd written about 'the incident,' then sang this crazy self-pitying ballad in a live warbling caterwaul that made you wish they'd turn the backing track back on. And just like that, America, I'd won back your heart."

Jupiter - Feeling A Little Chilly
"Hi, we're Tom Cruise's sperm. Ka-boom! Here we come! Whose woman parts are next?"

Saturn - Closing That Window...
"Hi, I'm Paris Hilton. You know, the funny thing is, even I don't care about me anymore."

Uranus - ...Turning On The Radiator...
"Hi, I'm Teri Hatcher, recently voted the actress who suffers most when seen on HDTV. Thanks a lot. I'm sorry I'm not all smooth and young like Jessica Alba. But guess where I still look pretty damned good? On an iPod, bitches. And I don't see them offering episodes of Dark Angel on sale at iTunes."

Neptune - ...And Getting A Sweater
"Hi, I'm Jodie Foster. In case you didn't notice, I just emerged from my self-imposed exile to take a half-assed thriller with an entirely implausible ending and make it the #1 movie in the country two weeks in a row. Meanwhile, I look around the galaxy and I'm surrounded by Paris Hilton, Nick and Jessica, someone named Ashlee with two Es and Tom Cruise's sperm. And you wonder why I'm a recluse."

Pluto - Oh, Are You Still Here?
"Hi, we're Tom Cruise's sperm. And you are surrounded by us, Jodie Foster -- surrounded by us right before we put ourselves in your woman parts! To make babies, that is! Because that's what motile sperm does -- motile sperm like us! That's our 'Flight Plan'! Destination Woman Parts!"