Mercury - Best Picture "Hi, I'm Peter Jackson! What the crikey! Maybe you didn't get the memo, Golden Globes, but King Kong is the greatest giant-ape-i n-love-with- a-blonde movie since Mighty Joe Young! Yes, the box office is a little disappointing and, yes, it's a tad long and, yes, when you get right down to it, it's basically a the unfunniest Jack Black movie since Shallow Hal. What can I say? Mistakes were made. But criminy-crikey! I wants me prizes! I'm Peter Flippin' Jackson! Next year, I'm remaking Battleship Potemkin with Lou Diamond Phillips and Balthazar Getty, and you'll give me prizes for that too! I'd eat you all, if you were on my diet!"

Venus - Best Actor
"Hi, I'm Steven Spielberg. I agree with Peter, with regard to my sensitive film Munich. This is a serious film by a serious director, and you're going to nominate The Squid And The Fucking Whale over this? At least do what you did with Walk The Line, and squeeze Munich into Best Comedy or Musical."

Earth - Best Actress
"Hi, I'm Philip Seymour Hoffman. Yes, I'm going to win every prize in sight. Yes, I deserve it. Yes, I too am bored by the award-season pageantry that makes each acting prize such a foregone conclusion that it totally wrecks your Oscar pool. Does that mean I won't accept it? Hell, no. Maybe I'll even give the speech in my Capote voice."

Mars - Best Supporting Actress
"Hi, I'm Mel Brooks. I wrote a new song for The Producers and I'm going to win an Oscar. Why? Because the song's great? Ha! Because this is an excellent chance to coronate a comedy genius in the twilight of his career. It's either that, or give the Oscar to Alanis Morrissette. And that ain't happening."

Jupiter - Best Supporting Actor
"Hi, I'm Johnny Cash. Thanks for a making a movie to memorialize my life and music and all. I appreciate it. But what the hell is it doing in 'Best Comedy or Musical,' Golden Globes? Because it has music in it? Because 'Folsom Prison Blues' is a real knee-slapper, for sure. What I'm saying is, the Hollywood Foreign Press is a bunch of idiots. I will shoot a Golden Globe voter, just to watch him die."

Saturn - Best Director
"Hi, I'm Gwyneth Paltrow. Guess who's back? Gwyneth's back. That's right -- all y'all forgot I had an Oscar-bait leading performance this year, didn't you? Well, here's the Proof, bee-yotches. And now I'm back in the hunt with a Golden Globe nomination. Sure, they have to nominate ten women over two categories, in a year when so few women had good roles that probably the best one was a chick playing a guy. Seriously, Felicity Huffman had better not beat me. Why is she even in this category, anyway? I can play a dude -- I did it in Shakespeare in Love."

Uranus - Best Cinematographer
"Hi, I'm Felicity Huffman. Like Philip, I too will be gobbling up every award in sight, though, I suspect, not the Oscar. I mean, I guess I can take solace in the fact that they gave it to Hilary Swank when she played a man -- twice! Once in Boys Don't Cry and once in Watch Out For That Stool! A Hardscrabble Boxing Tale. But do you think the Academy voters are going to give it to a woman playing a transsexual? Do you think they're even going to see Transamerica? Last time I checked, no one was giving any prizes to Kathleen Turner on Friends."

Neptune - Best Achievement In Sound Editing
"Hi, I'm Paul Giamatti. You don't shower me with prizes for Sideways, now you're nominating me for Cinderella Man? I mean, I'm good in everything. We already knew that. But no one saw this stinker! Thanks for nothing. I give up."

Pluto - The Technical Awards
"Hi, I'm Dame Judi Dench. I'm nominated for a Golden Globe for my movie, Mrs. Henderson Presents. No, it's not a murder mystery anthology. No, you haven't seen it. No one has. But before you count me out, just remember I'm the dame who won an Oscar for seven minutes of screen time in Shakespeare In Love. And I deserved it, too. Suck on that, Gwnyneth."