Mercury - The #1 Film in the Country! "Hi, I'm Tom Cruise. Well, America, you've spoken. And, I admit, the news isn't good. M:i:III's opening was so weak that there may actually be layoffs at Paramount to offset the financial drubbing. To those people who could lose their jobs, as well as to those of you out there who chose not to see this film, I can only say: I'm sorry. And assure you that we've all taken a good, long look at some of the mistakes that were made in developing, producing, and promoting this film. What could have led to such a disappointment? We now know. And I can say with utmost confidence, those mistakes will be addressed. And Billy Crudup and Jonathan Rhys Meyers will never work in this town again."

Venus - The #1 Comedy in the Country!
"Hi, I'm Robin Williams. My film, RV, on the other hand, is doing great, thus allowing me to rightly assume my new and permanent title as the Chevy Chase of the twenty-first century. Thank you."

Earth - The Biggest Memorial Day Weekend Opening in Years!
"Hi, I'm Chris Daughtry, and, frankly, I don't know what to say. Except shame on you, America. Shame on you. I was the odds-on winner to take American Idol! Everyone said so! So what happened? What strange, illogical twist of fate threw this bizarre and unfathomable obstacle in my path -- this quote-unquote 'lack' of 'votes'? Lack of what? Since when does the odds-on favorite -- as I was -- have to worry about getting 'votes' from 'viewers' in order to 'win'? Is that what this show's been reduced to? If so, then shame on you, Fox. And shame on you, Communists."

Mars - A Solid Showing!
"Hi, I'm Ashlee Simpson. Speaking of spectacularly beloved singers, I'd like to address some rumors that have circulated recently. No, I did not have a nose job. Every single recent photo of me has been digitally altered as part of a widespread publicity...I mean, 'smear' campaign. But as any student of music knows, a singer of my caliber would never surgically alter her nasal cavity, for fear it would damage the beautiful instrument that is her voice. For without that, I am nothing."

Jupiter - Slightly Wobbly In The First Weekend But Great Word of Mouth!
"Hi, I'm Martin Sheen. With the end of The West Wing, my long reign as America's Fake President would seem to be over. But I'm here to assure you, America, that this simply isn't the case. Though my television show is no longer on the air, that weekly peak represented just one hour in a whole schedule full of Fake Presidential duties. I'll still be on the job for you, America: accepting handshakes, acting officious at award shows, nodding thoughtfully, and daydreaming about how I could totally kick Dennis Haysbert's ass. You might not see my doing it every week, but I promise you: I'll be your Fake President For Life."

Saturn - Released Simultaneously On DVD!
"Hi, I'm Sissy Spacek. As you know, I only come out every so often to do special projects that really speak to me. So please enjoy me this week in An American Haunting of the Ring Saw at Silent Hill Hostel, Part 2. Or something like that. Boo!"

Uranus - Failed to Meet Our Overly Optimistic Projections!
"Hi, I'm Barry Sonnenfeld. Remember when I was the Coen brothers' cinematographer, lensing brilliant films like Raising Arizona and Miller's Crossing? Then I struck out on my own to make not-quite-so-brilliant but visually interesting films like The Addams Family and Men in Black? Then I made a bunch of goofy heist films with John Travolta? How many? I don't remember exactly -- one too many, if I recall correctly. Remember those days? Yeah, me too. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go finish my extended commentary for the special edition RV DVD, called RV: Pedal to the Mental!, available in time for Christmas."

Neptune - Expect Layoffs On Monday!
"Hi, I'm David Spade, and for some reason, you care about me again. Why? I don't know. I'm still best described by the word 'stringy.' But I guess being linked to Heather Locklear in the tabloids is a better way to goose your career than getting your own show on Comedy Central is. Whatever. I'll take it. I'm just hoping that, before all the magazine covers dry up, no one will remember that they don't actually give a rat's ass about me, or Locklear, or Denise Richards, or Richie Sambora. Oh, well. At least I'm doing better than this chick..."

Pluto - You'll Find My Letter of Resignation Slipped Under Your Door!
"Hi, I'm Tarah, and I recently earned $382,193 as the winner of Unan1mous, Fox's reality show that aired after American Idol. Finally, a show that answers the question, 'Is it possible to air a high-concept reality show after the biggest show on TV, run it for many weeks, air innumerable promos, and still have absolutely no one in America know or care anything about it?' Yes! It is! That's okay, America -- you were distracted by David Spade and Heather Locklear. I understand. I mean, seriously: what is up with those two?"