Mercury - The Top-Rated Show in Primetime! "Hi, I'm Brad Garrett, hoping you'll tune in to my new Fox sitcom, Everybody Loves Brad Garrett. Because you know what never gets tired? Cranky married couples. Oh, marital strife! It's naggingly hilarious! What's that, honey? Mow the lawn -- again!?! Boy, married life is nothing but misery. Misery and laughs!"

Venus - A Top Ten Show in Primetime!
"Hi, I'm Jeffrey Tambor. Admit it -- my presence along is enough to make you curious about 20 Good Years, despite a conventional premise and the fact that you basically wanted to shoot a blow dart through your TV at John Lithgow during the last few seasons of 3rd Rock. But there's no Arrested Development on this year, so this show might have to satisfy your fix. Not that it will be as inspired, but come on -- I'm good in everything, even The Ropers. And we're working on a cameo from Will Arnett. Or at least Franklin."

Earth - Among The Top-Rated Shows On Basic Cable!
"Hi, I'm Teri Hatcher. Yes, I realize that Desperate Housewives isn't technically 'new' this year, but I wanted to sneak in here and say it's going to feel like new this year! Forget last year -- discover us again for the very first time! We're going back to what you loved about the show in the first place. No, not the shirtless gardener. He's gone. But lots more intrigue, and craziness, and Kyle MacLachlan! And intrigue! And -- what? No, I understand that, but I just stopped in for a moment because -- well, yes, I know it's not technically 'new' but it's going to feel new. Brand new! Like I was saying! Okay, yes, yes, no need to push. So remember folks, be sure to -- OKAY! YES! I'M LEAVING."

Mars - Maintaining A Healthy Audience Of 18- To 35-Year-Old Males!
"Hi, I'm Steven Weber, and I'm back, on Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip. So you can suspend that letter-writing campaign trying to revive the The Weber Show. At this point, I don't think it's going to work. I guess you could say it was 'Cursed'! Ha! Get it? Probably not, since eight people watched that show."

Jupiter - The Highest-Rated Début In Bravo History!
"Hi, I'm Megan Mullally. Speaking of people you forgot you liked from sitcoms you forgot you watched, I'm hosting my very own daytime talk show! It's going to be great! Because I know you totally never got tired of my shrill, cocktail-swilling Karen schtick on Will & Grace. I took a lot of pills! And here's more good news: my show focuses on a whole other side of me -- the side you've never seen and have no idea if you'll like. Well, there's only one way to find out. Tune in, America -- I promise my show will be very much like Ellen's or Rosie O'Donnell's, and not at all like Tempestt Bledsoe's, Kirstie Alley's, Martin Short's, or RuPaul's. Because I've got one thing America can't resist -- an annoying character I won't be doing anymore. Enjoy!"

Saturn - One Of TNT's Top-Rated Shows!
"Hi, I'm Teri Hatcher, here again to remind you that you still love me. Sure you do! This isn't some Twin Peaks situation where a show burns brightly then flares out almost as quickly. This is -- OKAY. I HEAR YOU. JUST LET ME FINISH -- FINE. ALL RIGHT. I CAN OPEN THE DOOR MYSELF."

Uranus - Drew Many More Viewers Than The Show It Replaced!
"Hi, I'm Skeet Ulrich, and I look very much like Johnny Depp. If you think you can't sustain a whole career on that, then you haven't seen Jericho, Wednesdays at 8 on CBS."

Neptune - Steadily Building A Following!
"Hi, I'm Tom Sizemore, once again asking the question, who can't get a reality show? I'm not even famous for any one role. Basically, we're one greenlight away from a VH1 reality series titled The Drunken Guy From Down the Street Who Can't Pull It Together And Occasionally Sleeps With Whores Show."

Pluto - We're Confident That, Given Time, It Will Find An Audience In This New Time Slot!
"Hi, Teri Hatcher here again. Just wanted to say, America, that even if you don't rediscover Desperate Housewives again this year, don't forget about me, okay? I've gone through that once already and I can't handle it again. I've got no more personal tragedies to trot out! Don't make me play the bulimia card! I'll do it -- I swear I will. I've already kissed Ryan Seacrest in public, so I don't mind a little throw-up in my mouth. So please, buy some old Lois & Clark DVDs, go to Radio Shack -- anything to keep the Hatcher-love alive. Seriously, I'm begging -- OKAY, I GET IT. GEEZ -- PLUTO ISN'T EVEN A PLANET ANYMORE! PLEASE LET ME STAY! LET ME STAY HERE ON THIS ICE ROCK!"