Mercury - Closest to the sun "Hi, I'm Ellen DeGeneres. Well, looks like I'll be bringing my unique brand of shuffling, shrugging, self-deprecating humor to the biggest stage in show business: The Oscars. That's right: having been unnerved by Chris Rock's strange vendetta against Jude Law and by Jon Stewart's tragic lack of 100%-boosterish glee, the Oscars have decided to anoint a different person as the ambassador for Hollywood -- lovable me! Never mind that the bulk of my film experience consists of EdTV, Mr. Wrong, and Coneheads. Hey, I did a voice in Finding Nemo! And I have done a very good job hosting the Emmys, the Grammys, and VH1's 'Big in '04.' Plus, now that the whole film-star element has been thrown out, this opens up a new field of exciting potential Oscar hosts: Brad Garrett, Meredith Vieira, Matt LeBlanc. And to think they said that letting Letterman do it was lowering the glamour bar. Let's see what they say when Joe Rogan hosts in 2012."

Venus - Can reach out and touch sun
"Hi, I'm Suri Cruise. Gaze ye upon my face, O Mortals, and adore me, if ye are able. And ye are, for I am adore-able. Apparently, good genes count for something in this world. Good genes, unlimited riches, and wizardry."

Earth - Basking in proximity to sun's warming rays
"Hi, I'm Brad Pitt, and I'd like to reaffirm my stand that Angelina and I will not get married until it's legal for gays to get married. Because what better way is there to advance the cause of equal access to marriage for homosexuals than to deny the world the pageantry of the one celebrity wedding they most desire? Can you imagine as that narrow-minded woman in the Midwest stands in the supermarket checkout line, paralyzed by the conflict between her inherent opposition to gay marriage and her absolute desire to see grainy paparazzi photos of me in black tie, taken from a helicopter? What's it going to be, Midwesterner? Because if gays can't marry, then why should incredibly beautiful people be allowed to marry? Ugly people, by the way, may proceed with their regularly scheduled marriages."

Mars - Requires sunglasses but not sunscreen
"Hi, I'm John Travolta. This isn't directed to anyone in particular, but I just wanted to say that if you're a big Hollywood star who's maybe been dogged with rumors about being in the closet for your whole career, and then a tabloid gets hold of grainy photos of you kissing a man on the lips, and the next movie you happen to be filming is one in which you play a big old lady in drag who sings songs in a role originated on Broadway by Harvey Fierstein, then that's what might be called 'bad timing.' Just take it for what it's worth. As for my fans, you'll be happy to know that I'll be back being my usual manly, swaggering, totally hetero self in my next film, the firefighter drama Johnny Longdick And The Fiery Boys Of Ladder 69. Also, I totally stand in solidarity with Brad, and so I too will affirm that I will not marry Brad Pitt until gays are allowed to marry. Seriously. I mean it. And the boys of Ladder 69 will back me up."

Jupiter - Within spitting distance
"Hi, I'm the 63-year-old Dutch priest who phoned in a bomb threat to try and get Madonna's concert in Amsterdam cancelled. What you don't know is that, in my ongoing attempt to undermine her, I'm also the person who choreographed Madonna's video for 'Hung Up,' produced her remake of 'American Pie,' and advised her to sign an endorsement deal with H&M."

Saturn - A healthy stroll
"Hi, I'm Adrien Brody. Look, I'm happy that Hollywoodland is getting good reviews and lots of attention. But why is every story about how Ben Affleck is rebounding and saving his career? What about my career? I've done a lot to run it in the ground. Affleck's not the only former unlikely Oscar winner to make a lot of bad choices and act obnoxious in public. Did you ever see those Diet Coke ads? Or how about me in The Village? Come on! I've been working hard to trash my reputation, just like Affleck! True, I never dated Jennifer Lopez. But I could probably date Shakira! Or Paris Hilton! Would that do it?"

Uranus - Call a cab
"Hi, I'm Paris Hilton, here to assure you that my recent DUI arrest was simply part of the government-mandated program by which I must appear in one news item every day. Things were getting a bit thin there for a while, when my items were, like, me getting my phone card revoked and me saying I wanted to be on Extras and then me saying that Ricky Gervais said no. I realize that 'Actual Actor Not Interested In Appearing With Paris' isn't exactly news, but I've got a record to promote! So DUI it is. I also understand that people are becoming ever-so-jaded about the unending stream of Paris 'news,' so I have to up the ante. Here's your exclusive: sometime this week, I will rape a rooster. Not sure when. Maybe Thursday."

Neptune - Pack a lunch
"Hi, I'm Jessica Simpson, and I just fired my publicist. Why? Well, partly because he bungled the whole John Mayer thing. And partly because I'm on freaking Neptune, and that bitch Paris is on Uranus. (Tee hee! Uranus!) But mostly it's because I don't think very many people know that, while I've been out promoting, um, whatever it is that I'm promoting, I've also been finishing a PhD at Stanford on the poetry of absence in the work of Emily Dickinson. Did you know that? No? Did you know that I'm a two-time recipient of the Field Medal, one of mathematics most prestigious awards? No? Well, guess why. Lousy publicist. Or should I say, ex-publicist."

Pluto - Has heard unconfirmed rumours of sun's existence
"Hi, I'm Ken Kercheval. I used to play Cliff Barnes on Dallas. I was arrested for drunk driving. This is headline news. In 2006. God bless America."