Mercury - Way Hot "Hi, I'm Madonna, and I'm the proud new mother of a one-year-old boy from Malawi! I just felt it was really important to spotlight the issue of international orphans, and as a celebrity at the forefront of pop music, I figured that I should be leading the way in drawing attention to the issue as no one else has really done that I am aware of. I'm sorry that I had to leave Malawi without David, while the paperwork is finalized or something; I hope the process doesn't get 'Hung Up' indefinitely! 'Hung Up'! Like the single from my last album! Remember, with the leotard? And the relevance?"

Venus - Real Hot
"Hi, I'm Tom Cruise. Good for you, Madonna. Adoption is great. I adopted my first two kids, but then when I met Kate, I just felt the time was right to try out biological procreation with a human female, and the feeling...I just can't put into words what it was like for me. And I've read lots of books about the sensations and mechanics of it, but even so, I still just find it indescribable. You know how, when you get into bed with a woman, and she's naked, and it's like...she has kind of an extra butt, but it's in the front?"

Earth - Pretty Hot
"Hi, I'm Katie Holmes. Of course that all happened. Probably. I was napping a lot around that time, so I don't really remember. I had said that I liked cupcakes, people were bringing me a lot of them, and I don't know what was in them, necessarily. It's possible someone dosed my cupcake."

Mars - Fairly Hot
"Hi, I'm Amanda Peet, newly pregnant star of Aaron Sorkin's Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip. There was some criticism of my boss on his last show, The West Wing, that he wasn't great at writing women and tended to reinforce stereotypes about how they cry and want to snuggle and stuff -- you know, just that he generally had kind of a retrograde idea of womanhood and was maybe even kind of sexist. But nothing could be further from the truth! The people on his new set just could not be more comfortable with women and really have a very 'now' attitude about the whole thing. You can tell by the way they've started calling me 'Fatty.'"

Jupiter - Kind of Hot
"Hi, I'm Keisha Castle-Hughes, the sixteen-year-old star of Whale Rider, and guess what? I'm pregnant! My nineteen-year-old boyfriend and I are expecting a baby next spring! Just think of that -- an Oscar nominee and a mom, and well before I'm even legal to vote! Suck on that, Lindsay Lohan!"

Saturn - Not So Hot
"Hi, I'm Anna Nicole Smith, proud mommy of a beautiful new baby girl, who joins...uh...oh, right. You know, people, before you judge me, can I just say that at least I am skinny again now? I can't do everything in my life right."

Uranus - Not Really as Hot as One Might Hope
"Hi, we're Jonathan and Victoria. We were on The Amazing Race a few seasons ago -- the team that was the ex-Playboy model and her husband, who shoved her. Well, now, in addition to all our other accomplishments, we're also first-time parents to a new baby girl named Trease, and we really look forward to raising her, since we clearly have so many valuable lessons to pass on about how women should behave, and how men should treat them."

Neptune - Not At All Hot
"Hi, I'm Sandra Bullock. You guys, look the hell around. Is it really any wonder that I am not in a big hurry to join this club? Although if Keisha decides not to keep her baby, maybe she can give me a call."

Pluto - The Exact Opposite of Hot
"Hi, we're Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal. Please welcome the newest addition to our family: our baby daughter Raamonaa."