Mercury - Downtown Mexico City "Hi, I'm Keith Urban. I admit it: my checking into rehab for alcohol abuse just four months after marrying Nicole Kidman doesn't necessarily make either one of us look great. And believe me, I tried to handle this problem on my own in order to spare her public embarrassment. But some days, at the breakfast table, as she dawdled over her morning Mini-Wheat, if I looked up at just the right moment and the light hit her a certain way, I could see the various kinds of poisonous goo she pumps into her face pulsating under the surface of her skin. But Botox -- that's the most predictable component of her beauty regime. She sleeps upside down, like a bat! Come on, you'd drink too. You'd drink a lot."

Venus - Tucson
"Hi, I'm Kevin Federline. You've probably already heard, but in case you didn't, I don't care if you think I'm a joke, just living off my wife's money and fame and laziness! I've put out an album, I've guest-starred on C.S.I. -- by any reasonable standard, I'm a legitimate showbiz personality. Hell, I'm like two Nicole Richies. And guess what else I've done that she can't: I've procreated a whole bunch of times. Yeah, the second kid was born a while ago, but now I can tell you we decided to name him Jayden. And, look, I realize that despite my many successes and my seemingly boundless bravado, I'll always be a loser to you, but I did do at least one thing right in my life: after naming our first boy Preston, Britney wanted to go for a Grey's Anatomy theme, so even though 'Jayden' isn't the kind of name you're ever likely to see in the Hall of Presidents, it's a damn sight better than 'McDreamy.'"

Earth - New York City in July
"Hi, I'm Ryan Phillippe, serious actor. How serious? I was the star of this year's Best Picture Oscar winner, Crash. And now, I'm the star of Flags Of Our Fathers, the latest film from two-time Best Director Oscar winner Clint Eastwood. I am a big, big deal. Can someone please tell my wife so that she'll let me choose what restaurant we go to or pick out colours for the new living room design she's paying for?"

Mars - San Francisco
"Hi, I'm Reese Witherspoon. My husband said what? ...No, whatever -- did you say 'my husband'? I could swear we fired that guy back in May. I have to make a call."

Jupiter - Fargo
"Hi, I'm Heather Mills McCartney, and although my marriage to Paul McCartney has failed, I am trying to be above-board and scrupulous in my dealings with the media about these matters, and the unsubstantiated claims that have been flying around the tabloids have not come from me, nor from anyone on my team of advisors. The story that Paul abused me physically? I'm not saying whether or not it's true -- I'm just saying I never told anyone about it. Similarly, I have never leaked it to the press that he put hemlock in my tea, slept with my sister, rogered me with a bass guitar, or used my artificial leg as a golf club."

Saturn - Labrador
"Hi, I'm Ojani Noa, better known to the world as Jennifer Lopez's first husband. It's starting to look as though we may come to terms on the matter of the memoir I've been shopping around -- a tell-all about our lives together. And though I've been careful so far not to disclose any details that would make the eventual manuscript less surprising and juicy, do you think she would be going to all this effort to keep it from getting out if all it contained was some photos from her 'chubby' phase or her secret sangria recipe? Dude, come on. You just don't get skin that poreless by not drinking the blood of virgins, okay?"

Uranus - Aspen
"Hi, I'm Sara Evans, and my husband and I? We're totally fine. I know the stories you've heard were scandalous and everything, but there's just nothing to them. Got me the hell off Dancing With The Stars, though, didn't they?"

Neptune - Greenland
"Hi, I'm Katie Holmes, and pretty soon, I'm going to get married! Tom and I have finally set the date -- November 18. Wheeeee! I'm so excited! There's so much to do, of course, and I know that most brides find all the planning totally overwhelming, but I'm so lucky to have a groom who's so involved. And I mean, he is so detail-oriented. I swear, he has scheduled intense, closed-door, hour-long interviews with every cater-waiter in L.A.!"

Pluto - Antarctica
"Hello, I'm Elizabeth Taylor, and I promise I have no plans for a ninth marriage. I'm just far too busy with my charities and my visiting to think about adding a new husband into the mix. I don't know what kind of man could even manage to keep up with all my activities! He'd have to be a real glaaaaaaaaaadiator!"