Mercury - The Grill At The Peach Pit "Hi, I'm Shannen Doherty, and I think we can all agree that I am this show. You never would have started watching it if it wasn't for Ol' Crook-Eye throwing a shit fit about Dylan or animal rights or some damn thing every ten minutes. And just because it's now widely known that playing Brenda -- a prickly malcontent with a giant chip on her shoulder -- wasn't the greatest stretch any actor ever pulled off shouldn't diminish the importance of my role in the show, or in our culture. Just remember that when you're watching the DVDs: I was known for something cool, back before I was known for possibly having gotten Tijuana cheek implants."

Venus - The Sun Beating Down On The Beach Club
"Hi, I'm Tori Spelling. Watching old episodes of 90210 really takes me back to a simpler time in my life -- when I was still close enough to power players in the TV industry that when I told people that I'd auditioned under a pseudonym and didn't get the part of Donna because my dad created the show, they had to pretend to believe me; when every tertiary character who came on the show couldn't shut up about how beautiful I was even when they had a ringside seat to my scarred-up cleavage. But, you know. Things are going great for me now, too."

Earth - Iris's Tree House
"Hi, I'm Hilary Swank. You may not remember, but I appeared on the show for the better part of a season as single-mom Carly, who worked at the Peach Pit as a waitress and ended up falling in love with Steve. Since then, of course, I have won Oscars for playing a trans-man and a boxer, and while I'm very proud of that work, nothing I have ever done has been as difficult as pretending I would ever sleep with Steve Sanders."

Mars - Baja
"Hi, I'm Dean Cain -- or, as you 90210 fans know me, Brenda's too-brief love interest, 'Reek.' Though my episodes aren't out on DVD quite yet, I'm looking forward to there being ready proof for the consumer that even before I was Superman, I had a super package that I was not afraid to show off in tight, high-rise Levi's. Oh -- and that I super-dressed right."

Jupiter - Summer Night In Paris
"Hi, I'm Darren Star, former producer of 90210. I learned a lot working on that show -- how to launch a spinoff, for instance, since I also produced Melrose Place -- but it's not like I've spent my career trying, and failing, to top my early success. I did create Sex & The City, after all. And as for Runaway, Miss Match, Central Park West, Grosse Pointe, Kitchen Confidential, and The $treet...their DVD releases are totally just around the corner."

Saturn - The Pool At The Bel Age
"Hi, I'm Jason Priestley, the guy you loved to hate as self-righteous, judgmental jagoff Brandon Walsh. I've mellowed a lot since the days when I styled my hair with rubber cement, and even showed I had a sense of humour about myself when I told Conan O'Brien earlier this year that I now look like I ate Brandon Walsh. See? Self-deprecating! It's the kind of thing you love in a former teen heartthrob! Couldn't I be this year's Scott Wolf or Jason Bateman? What if I cut my pork servings to five a week?"

Uranus - Ice Cream In The Walsh Kitchen
"Hi, I'm Gabrielle Carteris. What can you say about the DVD release of a series on which you played a sixteen-year-old starting at age...twenty-nine? You guys, I know. I know. I watch those episodes and I think, 'Why did I ever let them talk me out of wearing glasses? The rims hid my crow's feet! I mean, I was probably the only senior at West Beverly who took a calcium supplement every morning to make sure that, if she happened to trip and fall while dancing at the prom, she didn't break a hip. It's embarrassing, sure -- but still less embarrassing than just about anything I witnessed from Corey Feldman when we both did The Surreal Life."

Neptune - The Martin Chalet At Big Bear
"Hi, I'm Brian Austin Green. You're so precious to me. Am I precious to you?"

Pluto - Minnesota
"Hi, I'm Ian Ziering, one of the few 90210 cast members who stuck around from Episode 1 to Episode 842. And yet, I never would have even known there was a party for the DVD release if someone hadn't stuck a flyer under the door at the Griddle on Sunset. I, uh...I spend a lot of time there. But anyway, it's great that the show's out on DVD now, since I don't like to waste a lot of money on cable and stuff. I already reserved a copy to rent down at Blockbuster, and as soon as I pay my late fees, I am really going to enjoy watching it."