Mercury - The #1 Film in the Country! "Hi, I'm Martin Scorsese. Well, America, in this wide-open Oscar race, with no clear favorites or runaway juggernauts, there's one thing I think we can all agree on: give me my !%$@^# Oscar. Seriously. Give me my $@&!&# Oscar. Is The Departed my best movie? No, it is not. That would be Raging Bull, which was beat out by Ordinary People. Or maybe it was Goodfellas, beat out by Forrest Gump. Or maybe it was Taxi Driver, beat out by Smokey And The Bandit 2: Still Smokin' And Banditin' or whatever the #$^&@ it was. But you get my point. I don't care which Oscar you give me: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Screenplay, Best Eyebrows. Just give it to me. Give it. Give it. Give it. Thank you."

Venus - The #1 Comedy in the Country!
"Hi, I'm Alejandro Gonzalez Iñarritu. It has been said that 'The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.' That used to be true. Now his greatest trick is convincing the world that Babel is a good movie. I mean, have you sat through this thing? Man, it's a mess -- and I directed it! You know, I started out with good intentions, but I have to admit, at a certain point I was just like, 'I don't know what to do next -- send in the naked Japanese girl! Now put those people in the desert! Hotter! Make it hotter! Have the kids shoot at another bus!' I figured I'd just slip this disaster out into the world and forget about it, and get back to focusing on 42 Ounces, my sequel to 21 Grams. But then some critics were all like, 'The cruelty of technology' and 'American paranoia and the communication breakdown in our modern world,' and I was like, 'Yeah, okay, Peter Travers.' Now it's won a Golden Globe and got a Best Picture nomination! Most people have been sane enough to avoid this tarpit of a film until now, but if we win? You'll all be trundling out to waste six and a half hours of your lives that you'll never get back! And that makes Satan happy."

Earth - The Biggest Memorial Day Weekend Opening in Years!
"Hi, I'm Alfonso Cuarón. Just so you know, I directed a movie this year that was also about the paranoia of modern times and our collective dance along the razor's edge of barbarity, with one notable difference: my movie was awesome. Children Of Men. Heard of it? No? Perhaps you're in the Academy? I'm not sure why people are going gaga for Babel while ignoring my clearly superior film. Maybe they got confused and thought my screener was for City Of God, and were like, 'We saw this years ago.' Or maybe they thought it was a screener for Children Of A Lesser God and thought, 'Yeah, Marlee Matlin, we get it.' It's a mystery. But here's something that's not a mystery: my movie is terrific and Babel blows. Feel free to field test that hypothesis if you like."

Mars - A Solid Showing!
"Hi, we're British Women. American women, whenever you want a collective acting lesson, we'll be waiting to school you. Oh, wait: we already did that, this year. But we'd be happy to share our expertise with you. Except Nicole Kidman. She's a lost cause. Is she even alive?"

Jupiter - Slightly Wobbly In The First Weekend But Great Word of Mouth!
"Hi, I'm Marky Mark, and I've got a good vibration for you: Best Supporting Actor nominee! Feel it! Feel it! That's right -- I could just well become the first former white rapper and underwear model with a third nipple to win an Oscar. Then again, at this point, no matter what I do, I'm pretty much the first former white rapper and underwear model with a third nipple to do it. But if I win, I promise you my speech will go like this: 'Ladies and gentlemen, colleagues, members of the Academy. This Oscar feels good like Sunkist. Many of you want to know who done this. It's me, Marky Mark, and you know I moved you. With the acting chops to prove to you, that we can party on the positive side, to pump positive vibes. This Oscar goes out to the entire nation. Black, white, red, brown: feel the vibration. Thank you.'"

Saturn - Released Simultaneously On DVD!
"Hi, I'm Jennifer Hudson. For those haters who don't want to see an ex-American Idol reject win an Academy Award, take a look at my Best Supporting Actress competition: a Mexican actress you've never heard of, a Japanese actress you've never heard of, Cate Blanchett in a movie that no one saw, and a little girl. That's right -- Let me hear you say 'Cake! Walk! Cake! Walk!' Trust me, it could be worse. I could be Justin Guarini."

Uranus - Failed to Meet Our Overly Optimistic Projections!
"Hi, I'm Ryan Gosling. By some bizarre miscalculation, I was nominated for Best Actor, which is totally weird, because I actually did give the best performance of the year in Half Nelson. So clearly there's been a mistake. I mean, I'm up against Will Smith. I demand a recount."

Neptune - Expect Layoffs On Monday!
"Hi, I'm Eddie Murphy. What an honor, seriously, after so many years of industry success, to finally be recognized for my talent and versatility with a nomination for Best Supporting Actor. I'm glad that my peers and you, the American public, are able to see me in a new light. I'd also like to take this opportunity to encourage you all to go see my new movie, Norbit, in which I play a really fat black woman who jumps on a skinny nerd a lot. It's hilarious. And we can now say that it stars 'Oscar Nominee Eddie Murphy.' Twice."

Pluto - You'll Find My Letter of Resignation Slipped Under Your Door!
"Hi, I'm Sacha Baron Cohen. Well, no Oscar-time for Borat. Oh well. It's probably for the best -- I wasn't sure how I could top that speech from the Golden Globes. Somehow, the phrase 'your two wrinkly Oscars on my chin' doesn't have the same resonance."