Mercury - The Perfectly Poignant Speech "Hi, I'm Ellen DeGeneres. I know I didn't show up in the previous Oscar Nominations '07 Galaxy of Fame, but you know -- that's just the laidback, easygoing style that I'm known for. In fact, I tried to convince Clint Eastwood to take Mercury, but he just squinted at me and grunted. Oh, by the way, I'll be hosting the Oscars. Yeah. No biggie. Whatever. I'll probably stop at Jack In The Box on the way with some raccoons and kangaroos. You know, my animal friends. Whatever. Let's dance, everyone! And you know I'll do a good job as the host. I will. And in keeping with my kooky, crazy, laidback style, I'll forego the usual tux and be wearing a loose blazer over a t-shirt that reads, 'Smile, It Could Have Been Whoopi.'"

Venus - The Concise and Classy Speech
"Hi, I'm Clint Eastwood. I like to squint and I'm old. People used to say that maybe, after sentimental films like Million Dollar Baby, I'd lost my edge. But how's this for edge: I put out one bombastic war film last year, no one liked it, so I put out another one in the same year. In Japanese. No wonder those pantywaists like Spielberg and Scorsese can't compete with me. You didn't see Marty rounding the troops back up to reshoot Gangs Of New York, but this time in Korean. The Academy can't help nominating me, every single year. I've broken their spirit and made them my bitch. Especially that Karl Malden. Sweet, tender Karl Malden."

Earth - The Standard Thank-Yous With a Funny Kicker Speech
"Hi, I'm Leo DiCaprio. I'm a real actor, mate. I got two Golden Globe nominations, crikey! And now an Oscar nommie! That's pretty impressive, innit? I'll gobber! The only reason I didn't win a Goldie Global is because I's up against the one bloke I can't beat -- meself! No such flub-flub at the Oscars, though, innit? And I be up for Blood Diamond, in which I mastered the crickety dialect of South Africa, or, as I like to call it, South Paprika. That's how they say it down there, yes? True to like, that's me tindersticks. In fact, I like this accent so much, I'll be keepin' it, matey! Forever! Stab that wooly in your jub-jub!"

Mars - The Heartfelt Speech That Goes On A Little Too Long
"Hi, I'm Abigail Breslin. Yes, I was adorable in Little Miss Sunshine, and that movie is turning out to be the pre-packaged feel-good underdog that no Oscars is complete without. But I know you don't want to see me win. Trust me, I don't want to see me win -- in part, because no one wants to see a ten-year-old give a speech. In part, because giving acting awards to children always feels like you're rewarding us for being cute, not good -- I mean, you might as well open up the category to kittens and puppies at that point. And in part because -- and don't deny it -- you're always a little worried that anyone under fifteen who has to appear on that stage might just wet their pants on live TV. Also, Nick Nolte. So thanks for the nomination -- but let's not take this too far."

Jupiter - The Rambling Speech That Gets Drowned Out As The Orchestra Plays You Off
"Hi, I'm Paul Haggis. Face it -- I cannot be stopped. No matter how hackneyed my work is, the Academy can't wait to lick its lips and shine my knob. They gave an Oscar to that tepid piece of hackwork, Million Dollar Baby, in which Hilary Swank played a plucky lady-boxer raised by a family from Deliverance. Then they gave Best Picture to Crash, a movie that was essentially a radical Dadaist experiment in attempting to write something with no subtext whatsoever. You know: 'I don't like you, black person. Because a black person was mean to my father.' 'Well, I don't like you, white person, though I suspect that perhaps I would if we were thrown into a life-threatening situation together.' Gems like that. Then this year, I have a screenwriting credit on Letters from Iwo Jima, and it gets nominated for Best Screenplay -- and it's in Japanese! Do I even speak Japanese? Even I don't understand this one. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go gut my third garage to make way for another trophy case. I look forward to an additional nomination in 2008 for my forthcoming Swedish-language adaptation of Speed Racer."

Saturn - The Robotic List of Thank-Yous Ending With Your Agent and Your Lawyer
"Hi, I'm Isaiah Washington. No, I'm not nominated, nor will I be appearing at the Oscars, thank goodness. But I thought this would be an excellent opportunity for me to once again pop up and further torpedo my already crippled career. To reiterate: I never use the word 'faggot' unless I'm using it to make clear what word it is that I never use. That word is 'faggot.' Or sometimes I use it if I'm buying a bundle of sticks. You know: a faggot of sticks. And that's all this was. A big misunderstanding, stemming from me wanting to buy a bundle of sticks from some faggot. Oh, damn. Wait. Let me rephrase that."

Uranus - Forgetting To Thank Your Spouse
"Hi, I'm the Rising Starlet Who Has No Business Presenting At The Oscars But Has a Show to Promote on ABC. You know me. Some years, I'm Jennifer Garner. Or some years, I'm Jennifer Lopez. I'm that attractive actress knocking on the door of celebrity that the Academy wants to put front and center, and/or has a project on the network airing the awards. Who will I be this year? Eva Mendes? Bridget Moynahan? Knights Of Prosperity's Sofia Vergara? In any case, it will be a triumph if I can totter to the podium and choke through my introduction to Best Costumes or Best Documentary Short and not stumble on my dress or my words, while Jack Nicholson sits in the front row, giving me those creepy, 'do-me backstage' eyes."

Neptune - The Blubbering Melt-Down
"Hi, I'm Emmanuel Lubezki. I'm the cinematographer for Children Of Men. If you've seen the movie, you'll know I spent much of it dodging burning cars, artillery explosions, and flying limbs, all the while delivering some of the most breathtaking action sequences ever filmed. Seriously, this movie makes Saving Private Ryan look like Van Damme in Hard Target. So please, reward me with an Oscar. Then me and the director, Alfonso Cuarón, can take the Oscar home and scratch the words BEST PICTURE into the base, and all will be right with the world."

Pluto - The "I Thought We Could Take This Time To Talk About Darfur"
"Hi, I'm Isaiah Washington again. Please, let me explain. Faggoty fag fag. Faggoty fag fag fag. Fag to the fag fag faggotty fag fag fag. Whoops."