Mercury - July in Miami "Hi, I'm Martin Scorsese. Admit it: really, it was my night. I know some people are saying I shouldn't have won for The Departed because it wasnıt as good as Goodfellas or Raging Bull and neither of those won, which makes a lot of sense -- if you could travel back in time and correct those mistakes. Which you can't. Also, isn't that kind of like saying the 2005 Pittsburgh Steelers shouldn't have won the Super Bowl because they weren't as good as the 1975 Steelers? The real question is: were they better than Babel? And the answer is: yes. Yes, they were. And so was my movie. So this will have to do. And come on -- it was cool seeing me get the directing Oscar from Steven, Francis and George, the old '70s film-school posse, even though when they came out the other four nominees must have thought the fix was in. And it was pretty cool of George to make that joke about never having won an Oscar mind doing, because he's got more money than everyone else in that room combined. Oh, and by the way, speaking of past mistakes, you'll be happy to know that the Oscar they gave me was actually repossessed from Kevin Costner, with his name scratched out at the bottom. It seemed the right thing to do."

Venus - June in D.C.
"Hi, I'm Ellen DeGeneres. I'm so low-key and charming, aren't I? I am unfailingly low-key and charming. So much so that I ceded the first planetary position to Scorsese. What the heck -- I don't need it. Gosh, that's just part of my low-key charm. Speaking of which, what did you think of my hosting, America? It was pretty much like the show itself: pleasant enough, never spectacular, no home runs but always getting the job done. Oh, wait: way too many montages. Memo to the Academy: montages are the new tacky dance numbers. People hate them. Get rid of them, or at least some of them. Also, the show was a little heavy on those gimmicky shadow-puppet tableaus from Pilobolus dance troupe, which has now cemented itself as the Mummenschantz of the early twenty-first century. We get it! You can make dogs with your hands, except it's not dogs, itıs a sort-of shoe, and it's not your hands, it's twenty very flexible people. Even that first Oscar effect, which was cool, could have been achieved just as well by one muscle-bound bald guy standing behind a scrim. Wow ­- it feels kind of good to be snarky for once. That's liberating! Anyway, my velvet suits looked great (though weren't you secretly hoping to see me glammed out in a gown? Just once?) And, while it's hard to imagine Johnny Carson doing a gag about vacuuming under peopleıs feet and taking drink orders, I was a damn sight better than Whoopi or the last few years of Billy Crystal. Hey, it's the Oscars, not heaven: you take what you can get."

Earth - May in Maine
"Hi, I'm Helen Mirren, the least surprised Oscar winner of the night. Surprise is overrated, anyway, especially when there were so many other things that made this win so fab. For instance, it was gratifying to be the first menopausal Best Actress winner in years. Not to take anything away from my more coltish colleagues; certainly there was as much artistry in my performance as Queen Elizabeth II as there was when Julia Roberts played Erin Brockovich. [eye-roll] Then, there was the fact that I got to put on an outfit that was attractive, age-appropriate, showed off my figure, and wasn't made by Barbour, unlike every hideous schmatte I had to wear in the movie. And finally, you may have noticed that I didn't thank my husband in my speech, but unlike Hilary Swank, I won't get any heat for it, because I am just that cool. Oh, and if you're wondering why I brought my purse up with me -- it's because I had my weed in there."

Mars - April in Seattle
"Hi, I'm Forest Whitaker. Though you probably never saw my movie, it was obvious, even from the clip, that my performance was the best of the year. It was also obvious from my speech that the show's director really preferred shots of my gorgeous wife in the audience to shots of me onstage...you know, winning. And it was obvious from my speech about taking my Oscar-winning moment into all my future lives that I'm a very sweet, unfailingly cool, supremely talented, and profoundly weird guy, who in real life is so mysto-spritual that I make Ghost Dog look like Archie Bunker."

Jupiter - August in New Hampshire
"Hi, we're Jerry Seinfeld and Tom Hanks. Let us just say: we know. We have no illusions about our place in the pop-cultural pantheon. We know we're not hip, we're not edgy, we've both achieved so much in our professional lives that we no longer really have to...like, try. You know, your mom likes us. So having any strong allegiance to us is like rooting for the Yankees: it's nice, but it's not like we need it. But on occasion -- like, say, last night, we'll come out and do our thing and make you remember that while it shouldn't be that remarkable for a show-business professional to give an effortlessly relaxed and self-deprecating award-presentation intro or gently mock a backstage stooge without looking like a dick. But as you saw throughout the night, it actually is pretty rare (I mean, you're going to give a rambling, mumbling speech that includes the words 'So anyway,' when you're accepting an award for being the year's best writer? Really, William Monahan?!). Our point is: sometimes we have to remind you why we got to be where we are, so that you can appreciate anew how great we actually are, and we did that, so we'll see you again in a couple of years."

Saturn - October in Alberta
"Hi, we're lesbians. And this was a great night for us. You already know about Ellen, the host in the hot velvet suits. Then Melissa Etheridge -- the Vice-President of Lesbians to Ellen's Commander-in-Chief -- pulled the upset in best song over the Dreamgirls, themselves providing some awesome lesbian eye candy. And, of course, there was the beautiful Jodie Foster, who looked amazing as always and who, on second thought, HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LESBIANS AT ALL. Forget we said anything. But not only did all of America get to witness our collective Sapphic power, but it also got to scratch its collective head and think, 'Wait, is that chick that Etheridge just kissed the woman who used to be on Popular?' One and the same, America. In fact, this night was so lesbian-friendly you probably expected a musical tribute to Personal Best performed by the Indigo Girls. But let's be honest: gay men got all the attention in 2006, what with the Grey's Anatomy scandal and Neil Patrick Harris and so on. But this night signaled the fact that 2007 will be our year in the spotlight. We're just looking for a young drunken male star who'll publicly rant against lesbians, to help our cause. So far, we're having some trouble."

Uranus - November in Alaska
"Hi, we're Philip Seymour Hoffman and Robert Downey Jr. Could we have dolled ourselves up a little bit before the big night? Gotten manicures? Combed our hair? Showered? Sure we could. But we just felt it was important to show the world that, though we may play some flamboyantly gay roles, in our real lives we are totally straight. And what better way to prove that straightness than to eschew all those frou-frou grooming products from Kiehl's or Aveda or Ivory. We feel we made our point. If we had to go a little overboard to make it, so that we ended up looking like we were only onstage because we'd won some sort of hobo talent search, so be it."

Neptune - January in the Yukon
"Hi, I'm Justin Guarini. I couldn't be more pleased that Jennifer Hudson -- who was unjustly robbed of an American Idol title that rightly should have been hers -- has gone on to redeem her legacy by winning an Oscar! It just goes to show that there is life after losing on Idol, okay? You can still go on and live a richly rewarding creative life! I just hope that last night's billion-viewer audience included some of those guys who throw garbage at me from their cars when I'm just trying to finish my paper route."

Pluto - February in Denmark
"Hi, I'm Alan Arkin. Sorry I ruined your Oscar pool for you all, guys. Even I thought it was going to be Eddie Murphy. But I can't really stay and chat right now. I'm late for the Oscar Pool Spoilers' brunch; I'm getting a lift from Adrien Brody and Juliette Binoche because I don't know the way to Marcia Gay Harden's house."