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Troy Story

A play in one act in which all parts are played by Troy Evans, except one.

[Scene: a small-town police station. Desk Sergeant Troy Evans stands idly reading a newspaper. Troy Evans, the local high school basketball coach, bursts through the door.]

Coach Evans: Sarge, someone's stolen all of our uniforms! And tonight's the big game against State!

Sergeant Evans: Hold on, there, coach. Let me call the Sheriff in here.

[Sergeant Evans picks up the phone.]

Sergeant Evans: Sheriff, can you come in here, please?

[Sheriff Troy Evans enters from his office.]

Sheriff Evans: Say there, coach, shouldn't you be down at the high school getting ready for the big game against State? And I hope that teen werewolf player is ready to go!

Coach Evans: That's what I was just telling the Sarge. All our uniforms are missing! And the teen wolf is ready, although now he's decided he doesn't want to play as the wolf anymore! But he's sure not going to play naked -- none of my boys will!

Sheriff Evans: I'm flummoxed. Sarge, what do you think?

Sergeant Evans: I haven't a clue, Sheriff. Without those uniforms, our boys are sunk!

[Enter General Troy Evans, escorting the town wrestling coach, played by Troy Evans.]

Sergeant Evans: [saluting] General, what brings you here tonight?

General Evans: Evening, boys. I was driving past the high school in my Army Jeep, on my way to see my son play in the big game against State, and look who I caught sneaking around behind the gymnasium -- with a big bag of basketball uniforms!

Coach Evans: The wrestling coach!

Wrestling Coach Evans: Damn you, General! And damn you, Coach Evans!

Coach Evans: You always were jealous of the success of the basketball team, who won game after game on the coattails of our freakish wolf boy, while your team floundered!

Wrestling Coach Evans: I told you before, Coach Evans -- share the wolf boy!

Coach Evans: I'll share something with you!

[Coach Evans lunges at Wrestling Coach Evans, but is restrained by Sheriff Evans.]

Sheriff Evans: Whoa there, Coach!

General Evans: Wait, there's more. Feast your eyes on...this!

[General Evans rips the rubber mask from Wrestling Coach Evans's head, revealing that he is, in fact, an alien.]

General Evans: Turns out Wrestling Coach Evans is an alien spy!

Wrestling Coach Evans/Alien: I need to take those uniforms back to my home planet, to teach my fellow aliens to play your human game of basketball, so that we can defeat your secret weapon.

[Enter Michael Jordan.]

Michael Jordan: Sheriff, I just stopped by to say goodbye before leaving for my interplanetary basketball tournament...whoa! An alien spy!

Sheriff Evans: That's right, Michael. Looks like we caught him just in time. This is one alien who's going to learn a new meaning for slam dunk!

[Sheriff Evans, Sergeant Evans, Coach Evans, General Evans, and Michael Jordan all laugh. Enter Roger Podacter, the equipment manager from Ace Ventura, played by Troy Evans.]

Roger Podacter: Hi, Sheriff. I wanted to let you know that, with the help of that pet detective we hired, we solved the case of the missing Miami Dolphins mascot. Turns out Sean Young was a man all along! She had a penis!

Michael Jordan: A penis!

[All laugh.]

Fin.